Black Magic
by GeckoMoriaShadowLord
Summary: Yaoi. A collection of all my one-shots and drabbles. Pairings abound, ratings across the spectrum. Chp.16: ZoSan. "Diamonds, Lies, and Cash Money"
1. Love Me Dead

**Title: **A Cornucopia of Taste

**Pairing: **A plethora of Yaoi couples.

**Rating: **It varies. Usually M.

**Summary: **This was originally going to be pure, unsullied Zoro x Sanji but I changed my mind. It'll just be a collection of man x man love fics. Sometimes they'll be long, sometimes they'll be short, sometimes they'll be steamy, at times sweet. Updated sporadically, labeled as _complete_ since I'll never finish it. Completely unrelated, can jump around from IU to AU to another galaxy. All future yaoi one-shots will be housed here. Het one-shots and drabbles will be housed separate. Pairing will be named at the top of the chapter. I also have moved all other Yaoi oneshots I wrote before in here and deleted them from my stories list. I'm sorry for the huge hassle, but I hope you readers like this streamlined version better. Enjoy!

~0~

_**Pairing: Zoro x Sanji **_

_**Chapter One**_

Love Me Dead

Love me cancerously, like a salt sore soaked in the sea

High maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen

Narcissistic and mean, kill me romantically

Fill my soul with vomit and then ask me for a piece of gum

Bitter and dumb, you're my sugar plum

You're awful, I love you, you suck so passionately

You're a parasitic psycho filthy creature finger banging my heart

You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?

You're hideous and sexy, how's your new boy?

Does he know about me? You've got the mark of the beast

You're born of a jackal, you're beautiful!

Oh, must be the sign on my head! That says, "Love me dead!"

-_"Love me Dead", Ludo_

~0~

Lazy evening, maybe the best time to have sex on the Sunny Go. _If _you are feeling the urge, _and_ if you have a willing partner.

The sun is just barely on the edge of the horizon, its semi circle glowing a warm and relaxing red orange. The heat and the light linger in the day still, allowing the Strawhats to walk around cheerfully enough in their shirtsleeves, but the bite and glare have been sapped out of them; only the mellow afterimages remain.

The most noisiest of the crew members by then have usually succumbed to the serenity of the evening, and have opted to fall asleep against each other's shoulders as they fish; allowing for the necessary peace and quiet for two individuals to glance at each other, nod, and slip off to the comforts of each other's bodies.

The more introspective women of the crew have also taken advantage of the momentary lull in their crew's antics; they are either busy mapping the strange islands of the even stranger ocean that they have found themselves in at this particular stage of their life, or are sitting outside, reading a good book. And deep in the bowels of the ship, an engineer works on his latest project.

So, laying languid and sweaty, pillowed on hard flesh that to them, is soft, with the evening melting in through the window…that is perfection for lovers. If they are lucky, the skeleton musician will be on deck, serenading the dying day with a melody that aches in remembrance, so that their sex is adrift in sweet melody. And they are often lucky.

~0~

"Sanji."

"Hmm.", the cook doesn't turn over, but a small grunt lifts his chest, so that Zoro knows that he is listening.

"We always do it good, huh?" He doesn't know why he says it, doesn't know why he wants to tell the cook so that he knows the cook knows. He just wants to say it. A sort of capping triumph.

"But of course.", Sanji still doesn't turn around; Zoro is still graced with the sight of his bare back, the subtle lines of muscle crossing it, the sweat quickly evaporating from off the white skin, the pink scratches of his own fingernails, the wounds of pleasure.

He reaches out a finger and traces the light lines, chuckling when Sanji twitches and snorts, "Ticklish…stop that."

"You ever wonder if we're just going to keep banging right up to Raftel?", Zoro asks him, his tone both lightly teasing and serious.

"We'll be in one piece when they name Luffy King of the Pirates, get it? _One Piece?_", Sanji cracks up at his own wit. The vibrations of his laughter shake the bed softly, and Zoro punches him lightly in the back, both for the disturbance and the wisecrack.

"I think that was the stupidest joke I've ever heard, cook."

"I think that was the stupidest joke I've ever said, swordsman.", Sanji finally switches sides so that Zoro can see his face, "But I just had to say it." His grin is satisfied, not at all sorry.

"No, but seriously, you think we're just going to keep on going at it, forever?", Zoro reaches out and traces a light hand across his jawline, Sanji's eyes flutter at the touch.

"Well…I think so…If we don't have a problem with each other, I mean, I can't see you cheating on me with Luffy.", Sanji half shrugs, "Why, thinking of cutting if off with me?", he pretends to sniff loudly and dramatically wipes a hand across his eyes.

"No, it's not that…just seems…", Zoro shrugs, "Seems so…domestic, what we're doing."

"Just because we're in the Grand Line where everything's out of this world, doesn't mean we should have Grand Line _sex_.", Sanji smirks at him, and flips his hair over his other eye. "Is my ass getting too boring for you, oh, great swordsman who knows all?"

"I didn't mean it like that.", Zoro says, amused at Sanji's antics in spite of himself, "I'm just surprised that things turned out like this."

"I can sympathize with that. Hell, when I saw you, I thought you couldn't even get it up." Sanji grins at him, it isn't an insult, or even a jibe, it's just something he says, a little Sanji-ism.

"When I first saw you, I didn't think you swung both ways. Ladies' man.", Zoro reaches out and traces the pink-brown oval of the cook's perky nipple, "Was I wrong."

"I can think of something much more productive that your finger can be doing.", Sanji answers, his eyelids drooping, Zoro has seen this happen before and can positively identify that look as the blonde's '_fuck me'_ sign.

"I think you're not taking this entire 'how our relationship has progressed' discussion seriously, cook." But his thumb runs rapidly over the bud, feeling it harden magically underneath his caresses.

"Hmph.", Sanji grunts, he doesn't look as impressed with events as his counterpart, but his back slightly arches with the actions of Zoro's hand, "Whatever…It's because I'm not sure _where_ you want to take this conversation…Is the sex good? No good?"

" 'S good.", Zoro says, and rolls on top of him.

~0~

Later, their bodies more sweatier and the room more muskier, Sanji murmurs, "You could've just said that."

"Forget it. You don't understand, cook."

"Hmph. Shouldn't we clean ourselves, get dressed?"

"You can if you want. I got nothing they haven't seen themselves.", Zoro closes his eyes and props his arms behind his head.

"Oh yeah. I'm entirely _positive_ that Usopp has seen my jizz splattered all over his stomach.", Zoro can hear the squeak of the bed springs as Sanji gets up and the rustlings as the cook cleans himself and struggles back into his suit.

"He better have not, or I swear upon my mother's grave that I'll chop your balls off. You know-_Oni Giri_ has _amazing_ precision."

"Do you seriously think I'd be desperate enough to sleep with the sharpshooter who wears a mask to get his balls to drop…?", Zoro hears the metallic click of Sanji's lighter, and the subsequent whoosh of flame. The smell of smoke completes the trilogy. "I swear he wears that mask when he jacks off-"

"I don't think Usopp is at that stage yet.", Zoro interrupts, chuckling, smiling as he thinks of the long nosed boy aboard the Sunny Go.

"I don't think he'll ever be. Here clean yourself up.", the small thump of something light, presumably a towel, or even his own discarded shirt, hits the covers near his head. Seems as if Sanji is determined to have him clean before the day is done.

"I think they already know for sure anyway. It's not going to be such a scandal if I have your come splashed on me somewhere." He makes no move to grab whatever it is that Sanji has thrown at him.

"It's called decency.", he can't see the blond, but Zoro can picture him. A hand on his hip, another holding his cigarette, his swirly eyebrow drawn down in disapproval.

"Oh, that thing.", he can't help his lips from curling up.

"'Oh, that thing'.", Sanji mimics sarcastically, "Clean up, marimo."

"Why don't _you_ clean me up? _You_ left it there in the first place.", Zoro's grin broadens; deviling the cook is half the fun from whatever constitutes their relationship. He refuses to open his eyes and acknowledge the blond, something which is, no doubt, bothering the cook to no end right this minute.

There is a few seconds of silence, not many, but enough for Zoro to wonder if Sanji had given up and left the room, even though he hadn't heard the door open. He's right about to open his eyes and see where the cook has gotten to, but then he feels the long slathering of heat on his stomach, and his eyes _fly_ open.

"What-", He half gets up, Sanji is hunkered on his side of the bed, his face down, licking up come.

"You wanted me to clean you up, didn't you? 'Cuz _I _put it there; so it's only fair that _I_ take it off.", Sanji 's eyes dance as he runs the flat of his tongue over the rippled abs, the white substance disappearing into his mouth.

"You don't have to-I was just kidding.", Zoro drops back on his elbows so that Sanji can work easier, surprised in spite of himself, and well on his way to being hornier than heaven.

All he receives is small sighs as Sanji 'cleans', taking come but leaving saliva and a chill and a need. When Sanji finishes, it is night and he is hard. Zoro mutters, "I hate you sometimes."

"That's why I wanted you to do it yourself."

"Come on, just get down here-"

"No, I'm all dressed. I was going to go see if Nami needed some help."

"It'll only take a minute-"

"That's the funniest thing you've said all week.", Sanji sits down on the bed and fits his glossy black shoes on each foot.

"I think you did this on purpose.", Zoro muttered, flopping back down on the bed, knowing he'll have to do it later by hand. Oh well, at least after having had a months long sexual relationship with the Sunny Go's cook, if there was one thing he had gained from all of this, after all the dust and dirt had settled, it was first rate jack off material. That was _one _thing he _did _have. "It must all be in your secret agenda."

"Curses, my evil, nefarious plot of having Zoro Roronoa walk around with a perpetual hard on finally revealed.", Sanji blew him a kiss as he walked towards the door, his hips twitching more than usual, a sign Zoro could read as '_I have just been freshly laid and am as happy as a bumblebee.'_

"You're fucking snarky today, I noticed. You on the rag?"

"Toodles."

~0~

"Land Hooooooo!", their captain's bellowing voice, excited beyond measure, drags the crew out of their good night's sleep and into the usually insane realm of the Grand Line.

An hour later, breakfast snug in their bellies, and belli burning a hole in all their pockets, the crew splits themselves into teams of exploration and excitement. The divining up of all members and belli go as it usually does, that is to say, loud and noisy and slightly dangerous.

"I'm going for books! Medicine books!", Chopper's excited squeakings are almost too high pitched to be heard by humans, the stars in his eyes twinkle like small gems, "I've got a little bit of belli I stored up since the last island, and I'm going to buy a whole cartload of medical books so I can learn more!"

"Don't spend everything Chopper, because I swear to God that that is the last belli I'm giving you if you spend it all.", Nami's ultimatum rings out over the general hubbub, "That goes for all of you too."

"Nami! We need a big bronze statue-", Luffy's request is silenced by a hard smack.

"Anyone else think we should change our gold for bronze?", the navigator looks around chirpily. A chorus of 'no's' rings out, subdued and slightly fearful.

"I think I'll tag along with Doctor-san to the bookstore.", Robin comments thoughtfully and favors the reindeer with a smile, "Perhaps we can pool our money together and buy more books that way?"

"Robin!", Chopper's eyes are enough to cause retinal damage, they are that bright and worshipping.

"I'll go with Robin-chwaaaan~", Sanji trills, spinning around, "The island map says that the food section is right next to the book and paper section." He pauses, "Oh, and I guess Chopper's coming too." Chopper takes the opportunity to jab his sharp hoof into Sanji's shin, extracting from the cook a loud yelp.

Zoro isn't even subtle, "I'll go with the cook."

Franky whistles and picks at his thong, "I need some new _pants_. I'll head off toward the department store section. Maybe get a few more tropical shirts. I need to have style, bros."

"I'll go with you Franky. I need to pick some more shirts up and maybe a few skirts.", Nami muses over the map for a few more seconds before handing it to Robin, "The department stores are on the other side of the island, you sure you don't want to come with, Robin?"

The historian just shakes her head, smiling, "I'd rather buy some new books. But can pick up some map paper if you want."

"Yes, I'd like that. I'll pick you up some clothes too.", they share a perfect woman moment of understanding and good economy amidst a den of half witted baboons.

"Nami! Can we at least buy some meat?", Luffy's looks like's back in action, a strange red bump decorating his head.

"Sanji, you can handle that. I'm going now."

"All right Luffy. I'll pick up some meat."

"Yohohohohoho! I think I'll head to the music store and pick up some sheet music, and see the violins."

"Nami told me that the music section is right next to the knick knack section, Brooke. I'll head off with you. I want to see if I can pick up anything useful for Kabuto."

"Hey Skeleton, if you see a few good guitar strings, pick me up some will you?"

"Of course, engineer-san."

"Robin-swaaaan~ Are you leaving now?"

"Yes, cook-san. Ready Doctor-san?"

"Wait for me~"

"Shut up cook."

"Oi!"

"I'm just glad you don't trill my name like that while we fuck."

"HEY."

"Zoro, that's too much information. I can hear you guys at night sometimes! You know I have a disease? The I-can't-listen-to-my-crewmates-have-sex disease?"

"I've never heard of that disease in any of my books, Usopp! Is it dangerous?"

"Why, yes it is Chopper. I'm the only man who's contracted it and survived, you know."

"Yohohohohohoho! I try to drown it out with my violin music, but I can still hear them!"

"HEY NOW."

"Cook, you're the only one in denial at this point."

"Decency, idiots, decency for God's sake. There's a lady present."

"Really? I don't see one."

"Apologize to Robin-swan marimo!"

"I don't see one either, actually."

"Robin….!"

~0~

He's right about to follow the cook into the grocery store when he feels a light tapping on his shoulder. It's Robin. She's alone; Chopper couldn't contain his excitement and had transformed into walking point and headed off at a brisk trot. He probably was already happily rummaging through the old, rickety stairs of the bookstore.

"What?", Sanji is already moving through the aisles of the store, picking up cabbages and sniffing them and he wants to follow him and poke fun at everything from his girly cooking ability to his swirly eyebrow. That's just the way they are.

"Let's go in here.", the blackhaired historian's smile is mysterious, even more than usual, as she points to the nearby bookstore, and her eyes are fixed on the moving figure of the cook. Zoro's ears perk up in spite of himself; the way Robin's eyes are trained on Sanji hint to the fact that whatever she wants to tell him is about the blond, and if she didn't want to be overheard, it further promised the revelation of a juicy something. Anything that would allow him to one-up Sanji was fair game to Zoro and he followed Robin into the dusty bookstore amiably enough.

"What?"

"I was hoping that you'd help me carry some of my books back to the Sunny?", Robin looks at him politely.

"What, woman! I thought you were going to tell me something good about Sanji!", Zoro mutters, feeling just a teensy bit disappointed.

"Whatever gave you that impression?", he can swear he can see small red devils dancing the bagpipe in her blue eyes, as wide and innocent as a lamb's, and as guilty as Cain's.

"You were looking at him-ah, just forget it. I'm going now.", Zoro throws up his hands and starts to head out.

"Aren't you going to help me with my books, swordsman-san?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Call me when you need me.", he doesn't feel like sticking around to watch Robin flip through thick tomes he can't possibly ever hope of understanding.

"So I'm assuming that you _don't _want to know what I know about Cook-san.", her voice is musical, casual, just stating the facts, mister.

He immediately stops, his ears perking up again, but this time, wary. "I thought you said you didn't know anything."

"I never said that."

"But-", Zoro pauses as he re-runs the conversation through his head again, realizes that Robin's right, as she always is, and mutters, "But you _implied." _

"But I didn't _say_." She'd make an excellent chess player. Or speech and debate captain.

"Whatever. What do you know about Sanji?", he tries to keep the eagerness from his voice, but assumes he has failed, judging from the smirk that is definitely not ladylike currently creeping up on Robin's face.

"I'll tell you but you have to stay here while I shop."

"No." His answer is immediate, a result of his own hubris.

"Fine then." Robin drifts off and stops to casually inspect a rack of books, from what Zoro can see, deal mainly in the questionable subject of necromancy. He wonders what the hell she does in her room late at night when everyone's asleep or having sex.

It takes him half a second to give in and follow the historian, "Okay, okay. I will. But you have to swear that one-you'll actually tell me. And two-that it's something _good_. That I can _use._"

Robin smile is nearly voluptuous when she's happy, Zoro would totally lay her in a second if he didn't already have something with the cook, "I swear that I'll tell you. I swear that it's good and that you can _use_ it. Satisfied, swordsman-san?"

"Yeah. But I don't see why you want me to stay here with you, I mean, what's in it for you?", Zoro scratches his head in bemusement, "I doubt you want me to get more literate."

"Maybe I do.", Robin points across the aisle to another aisle, more hidden in shadow, nearer the entrance, "I saw some interesting books about swords and famous swordsmen over there when I came in."

"Huh. I'll check it out.", he heads off, not seeing the smile Robin's wearing develop into a full-out grin of utter amusement and impish naughtiness.

Robin's right. She always is. That's one of the more annoying things about her, in Zoro's humble opinion. The books are fucking interesting. He's not much of a reader, though he _can_ read, which might have come as a surprise to some, especially the orange haired witch and the stupid blond cook. But he'd much rather train or meditate on his spare time than pick up a book and read.

That doesn't detract from the interest he immediately feels for the titles in front of him.

_Through Yellow Eyes: The complete unauthorized biography of Juraquille "Hawk Eyes" Mihawk. _Zoro snorts laughter as he pulls the book from the shelf and flips through it. There's pictures of Mihawk as a young boy, with the same piercing eyes, and clutching a plastic sword/ as well as pictures of other relations, some with strange yellow eyes and others with short cropped black hair. The rest of it deals with the young Mihawk's childhood and his meteoric rise to fame and notoriety. He puts it back. Boring.

_Nitoryuu: A study and training manual. _Zoro flips it open and rifles through the pages. Nothing interesting. Two sword style is something he's already mastered. Anyway, this looks like a book for mediocre swordsman.

_The Sword Bible. _It's exactly the one that marine girl, and creepy Kuina-look-a-like, Tashigi, carried around, except bigger and more detailed. Zoro looks up his own swords for fun and smirks at the prestige given to Wadou Ichimonji. He checks out the other Twenty One Named Swords and ogles them much like he would an Amazon Lily magazine.

_How to Polish your Sword: A Beginner's Guide._ Zoro doesn't even take it down. It sounds too unsavory.

_Samurai Ryumma and the Dragon_ takes up at least thirty minutes of his time. It is interesting, though a lot of it is written based on the author's assumptions and guesses of what happened in that time period. But it carries a ring of truth to it, and Zoro silently approves of the author's clear and concise style, he most definitely had been a swordsman himself.

_The Great Book of Sword Jokes _is highly amusing, if slightly juvenile. But he memorizes the more clever ones to take back to tell Sanji.

_Swords for Dummies_ is slightly insulting in its simplicity. It would have been perfect for Luffy or Usopp.

And then, _Santoryuu: Roronoa Zoro' Infamous Swordsmanship Style _makes him chuckle. He flips through it, sees pictures of his home and dojo, and of his teacher, looking both humble and tired in his simple grey uniform. There's even pictures of the cemetery where Kuina is buried. The actual book is mostly about his activities in the Strawhat crew and an in depth analysis of his techniques. At least the author admired him. The book even comes with his large life-size bounty poster. He puts it back with a sigh of regret after a quick peek at the price tag. Not that he wanted to buy it. of course.

There are other titles, others intriguing enough to warrant him taking them down, others just plain silly which earn from him a grunt of laughter.

_Welcome to the Carnival: A look at swordsmanship in the crew of Buggy the Clown _just makes him laugh.

_Fighting like a Gentleman; the art of the Rapier. _Maybe the ideal book for Brooke, not for him.

_A History of the Sword _is pretty good, but probably more Robin's field than his. There's too much flowery description for him to make any sense of it.

_The Medicine of the Sword_ has good advice for wounds inflicted with metal. He'll have to remember to point Chopper in it's direction. Where did that reindeer doctor head off to anyway?

_Kiribachi: Arlong's Weapon_ makes him grimace.

_Devil Fruit Sex. _

Zoro blinks. _What the hell does that have to do with swords?_

He looks up, a sign hanging overhead proclaims that he's stepped into the _relationships/love/sex _section.

"Why the hell do they have to put that stuff next to the sword stuff?", he mutters to no one in particular, though he probably knows why. Sanji has told him millions of times that he's a swordsman only because he has a Freudian need to compensate. He always retorts that at least he doesn't need to stick something in his mouth all day long in order to feel loved.

Zoro can feel his eyes wandering to the other titles in spite of himself, drawn by a sort of sick fascination by the title of the first book. And curiosity getting the better to him, he reaches over, with a quick glance around to make sure no one's looking, picks it up and flips it open.

He nearly throws up when he reads the paragraph on the Sand Sand fruit. Then, knowing he'll never see Luffy the same way, Zoro flips to the G section and looks for Gomu Gomu.

_-then have your partner spin around and around until it wraps tightly around them and aches with both tension and need. At the moment of release, release your grip so that your partner unwhirls rapidly, spilling-_

"Holy fuck…" He nearly shoves the book back on the shelf.

He can't help look at the other ones.

_The Ten Steps to having Great Pirate Sex._

_Love on the Sky Islands: Positions and Desires_

_The Kama Sutra of West Blue_

_The Complete Guide to Amazon Lily_

_Grand Line Sex _

He has to pick up that last one. More because of what Sanji had said the other day, then because he's actually interested on what it has to offer.

"_Just because we're in the Grand Line where everything's out of this world, doesn't mean we should have Grand Line sex."_

Zoro drags it out, it's a pretty thick book, though he can't imagine that there are so many different possibilities of sex available. On the front there's an image of a man and a woman engaged in a passionate embrace against the backdrop of the infinite galaxies of the universe. Classy.

Apparently the book is divided into four sections; man and woman, woman and woman, man and man, and orgy. It's just curiosity that makes him flip to the man and man section. The section cover is enough to make his jaw drop and to trigger the salivary glands in his mouth.

It's a picture of a young, achingly handsome young man with longish brown hair lying naked on a large bed, his cock is standing to attention, Zoro doesn't know if it's red or not, hairy or not, because it's covered in whipped cream, vague shape of the head is adorned with a bright red cherry. The young man's lover has his tongue out and is captured daintily licking the shiny skin of the cherry.

He can't help picturing Sanji there.

"_Just because we're in the Grand Line where everything's out of this world, doesn't mean we should have Grand Line sex."_

Maybe it _does _mean that they should have Grand Line sex. Karma itself had directed this book into his hands. Why, it had practically jumped into his arms. It was meant to be.

Yeah. Fate. That's what it is.

~0~

"What? You want a book? You want me to buy you a book?", Sanji frowns as Zoro tugs him none too gently into the bookstore, not more than twenty minutes after he had first left it, "What the heck are you so excited about?"

"You'll see. You'll _love_ it.", Zoro favors him with a lecherous grin, emphasizing the _love _part with deceptive sincerity. In all the excitement of discovering the book and managing to drag Sanji here, he has completely forgotten about Robin and Chopper who are probably still floating somewhere around in the bookstore, and most likely not checking out sexual instruction manuals like their more idiotic crewmember counterparts.

"Your smile is slightly scary, you know. _Ah,_ hell no-I don't want to buy you a _sword _book.", Sanji frowns at the titles passing by. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No, no, it's_ this_.", Zoro plops the thick, red leather bound book into his hands.

He doesn't think Sanji's eyebrows can lift any higher than they are doing right now, they seriously look in danger of disappearing into his blonde hair. "A _sex _book? Is _this_ what you're so happy about?" His tone is '_are you fucking serious?'_

"Look at the title.", Zoro urges.

"Grand Line Sex.", Sanji observes, "Oh, I get it. This is from what I said yesterday, and now you're going to weakly use that little coincidence as justification for buying this shit and coercing me into getting into all these kinky positions for your own benefit."

"Wow, that's some scary intuition."

Sanji's flipping though the book, "Holy shit…this one involves six chairs, a log pose, and a breath dial….is this even legal?"

"A breath dial?" Vague images. Some pleasant, other's just flat out disgusting.

"Mother_fucker_.", Sanji's eyes widen slightly, "Check this one out- You need a den-den mushi phone, duct tape, and a bull yagara. The pictures are fucking _explicit _Holy Shee-it_._"

"So what are you thinking so far?"

"I'm thinking no fucking way…I'm more than satisfied with our boring old, decidedly _normal _sex…_OH."_, Sanji sucks in his breath sharply, and Zoro can tell from his spot in the book that he's looking at the cream whipped dick page.

He tries not to laugh at Sanji's expression which can only be described as 'obsessive, wide-eyed intrigue.' As well as 'instant memorization', "What do you think now?"

"Does this thing have a price tag on it? I'm not seeing one."

~0~

"Come on, pass it-"

"Hell no…Hey, listen to this one-_take a stool and place it near a sturdy wall, then have your partner-"_

"Stop spoiling it for me cook! Pass it here! I found it first!", Zoro makes a lunge for it, but only succeeds in having his check smashed with a hard sole as Sanji defended his illegally acquired property. Sanji's lying on Robin's bed, which is, coincidently, where they usually opt to have sex, and where they _did_ have sex yesterday, and flipping through _Grand Line Sex_.

"So what? I paid for it.", Sanji smirks and pretends to see something interesting in the book, his eyes widen in exaggeration. "Oh my dear sweet _God-this one's hot-" _

This time, after a few minutes of hard scrambling, rough punches and swift kicks, Zoro does manage to seize half the book, the spine creaking and groaning in protest as the two men nearly rip it apart in the spirit of competition.

"Hey, dumbass-watch it, this thing's gonna rip-", Sanji glares at him, yanking all the while on his own side.

"_You_ watch it!."

They end up sharing it, something which Nami would have scoffed at if it had earlier been mentioned in her immediate vicinity.

"Hmm-hmmm. I can see myself doing that."

"I'd _pay_ you to that Sanji." He flips the page.

"Wow. Okay, that's just plain weird." Sanji.

"Watermelons? I mean, really? Really?" Zoro.

"Ooh, here's a kitchen one."

"We already did it in the kitchen. Remember? On the table, the counter, the pantry, the floor, the _fridge_."

"But they use all sorts of utensils. Look."

"Hey, I _eat_ with that!"

"So?"

"Good point."

"Hey…", it's Sanji, sounding both a little too eager and a little embarrassed, "Are we actually…you know…", he trails off, letting Zoro fill in the black.

"What? Do these?"

"Yeah."

"Thought you didn't want to, Mr. Normal Sex is Fine.". Zoro leans back and grins at the slightly uncomfortable cook. The want in the cook's body is priceless, it is so much sweeter when he is eating his own words.

"Well, it'd be a waste to buy this book and not…use it.", Sanji turns on his smile, but Zoro refuses to melt.

"Let me here you say it, cook."

"Say what? What?" The innocence act doesn't become him.

"Come on-'You were right Zoro-kun.' Say it."

"Right? Right about what?" I don't know what you're-"

"Say it!", Zoro's outright grinning at the fake look of confusion that Sanji's still hanging on to.

"YouwererightZoro.", Sanji raps it out between gritted teeth, his face slightly pink, and so fast, Zoro can hear the spit flying.

"I didn't hear you. Slower."

"You…were…right…Zoro.", now the cook is obscenely slow.

"Too slow."

"Fuck you marimo!"

"Not until you're a good boy."

Sanji takes a deep breath and growls, "You were right Zoro."

"You were right Zoro_-kun." _

"You were right Zoro-kun.", now Sanji's voice is robotic. It seems that the cook wouldn't just stay down. He just _had _to have the last word. Well, two could play at that game.

"Sexier."

He doesn't think Sanji's going to do it, Zoro has never seen that particular shade of red creeping up Sanji's neck. It's highly amusing in fact.

But then, Sanji's voice drops two registers, it comes out leisurely and husky, slightly aroused and dripping with a smoker's drawl, "You were right…Zoro-_kun_." The last word is a moan, and Zoro's already pushing down his pants and stripping his haramaki by the third word.

Sanji's already on him before he's fully done, hands wrenching his head up in need, "Which one should we…try out?", agile hands, the fingers strong and feeling unbelievably hot grip his back as Sanji breathes the question into his mouth.

"The cover-"

"I'm out of whipped cream…I'll make some later.", Zoro can feel the curve of his lips against his own as he smiles.

"Damn, that was my preferred.", he licks a line across Sanji's jaw, musing. "Let's just go in order."

"Practical, I _like_ it." Sanji detaches himself for a second to snatch the book off from the covers, "Hey, where's Robin? She won't come in here soon?"

"She won't, but we will", Zoro snickers, then, "Nah, she's up deck reading this huge book, called _The Complete Encyclopedia of all things Government._ I checked."

"Ah, my wonderfully intellectual flower. I'll lock the door though."

"While we're down here ogling _Grand Line Sex_, which isn't much better than an adult picture book."

Sanji ignores him, "Okay, let's see…the first position is….ahhhh, yes….", his eyes twinkle.

"What?", he peers over the cook's shoulder, busy stripping off his shirt, "Oh…I see."

Sanji snatches up a pillow and props the book open on it, "We'll need to see this. Come on, help me with my clothes."

Zoro does, with pleasure.

As he's running his hands all over his lover's body, he feels a smug pride that the book was a pretty good investment, after all. And suddenly. Zoro realizes that Robin never told him what she wanted or what she knew about Sanji. Oh well, he'll find out later. His hands are going to be full of hot naked cook in a few seconds.

~0~

_**Part Two **_

The Bootiful View

You taught me to not smoke without breakfast

You taught me that embraced to your waist, everything looks like a feast

You taught many things of the bed

Which are better for making love, but also for sleep

You taught me, among other things, how to live

To convert a caress into a masterpiece

_-"Me Ensenaste", Ricardo Arjona_

~0~

"It's called the Bootiful View," Sanji's voice sounds like he hasn't decided if he's amused, aroused, or appalled. His eyebrow has scrunched tight _and_ rolled into something resembling a swirl lollypop. It's Sanji's special, unique, eyebrow body language which Zoro can interpret to mean that the cook is thinking, '_Do I really want to degrade myself for sexual pleasure? Do I really? ' _

"The _Bootiful _View? Don't you mean 'the beautiful view?'" Zoro asked, shivering slightly at the change of temperature, and rubbed with the tips of his fingers, his goosebumpy skin. It didn't help. He slid his arms around Sanji's waist instead and nuzzled his chin into the crook of skin between shoulder and neck, keeping an eye on the tantalizing images in the book.

It seemed like Sanji always carried the warmth of his beloved kitchen around him wherever he went, his body is warm and smelled good, like freshly baked bread. The solid muscles in his body are reassuring, and Zoro allows himself to cling; to just relax in someone else's body. It's a rich feeling. Their nakedness is comforting, and the quiet happiness which wraps around their bodies is enough of a covering for them.

Neither of them are hard, though they soon will be. But it's not something which they really think about it. It's off in the hazy distance, a pleasant eventuality.

"No, it actually says. 'The Bootiful View'…," Sanji repeated, squinting at the pages fiercely, as if he truly believed that if he stared hard enough at it, the offensive pun would disappear. "I'm afraid that is a rather pathetic attempt at humor, my friend."

Zoro snorted laughter into Sanji's neck, "Look who's fucking talking…I still haven't forgotten about your 'One Piece' joke. That was even _lamer_, if that's even possible."

"Hey-I'm a sensitive man," Sanji muttered, pretending to look put out, and Zoro immediately kissed his shoulder.

"Well, then it's obviously I who should be enjoying the bootiful view," Zoro murmured, his tongue flicks out and runs the side of Sanji's neck. The hands that had been clinging, now clutched at what they considered to be their own. Cook just ignored him, his eyes still glued to the sheets in his hands, lips soundlessly moving as the words ran through his mind.

"I don't really care Zoro-"

They end up on the floor, the bed being too soft to be a good training ground. And they might not have been hard when they had been joking around and acting like general idiots, but by the time Zoro takes Sanji's ankles and spreads them, they are well on their way there.

The bootiful view is just that. A beautiful view of the portion of the human anatomy commonly referred to as the ass. The butt. The dual pair of round globes. The boys. Their name is legion.

Sanji could feel Zoro probing inside already, and he shivered from the cold carpet on the floor, which his stomach as lying flush against.

First, frost the cake. Lotion was spread consolingly around the entrance to his being, smeared carefully, with a sort of lopsided affection. His left cheek was patted, even. With the same subtle affection that Zoro would pat the head of a small dog. And Sanji had the presence of mind to chuckle and squeeze his knees together around Zoro's sides. His ankles could barely cross behind the man's back. It was slightly irritating.

Funny, the stuff he thought about _during._ Sort of like in the transitional stage of a waiting room in a doctor's office. Where the hell where the magazines?

One finger.

It wasn't unpleasant, it never was. A centimeter, he could handle, he wasn't that much of a weakling. There was no whimpering, no mewling. Just a steady throbbing heat down there. Utterly organic. The beginnings of erection. It always felt slightly strange, however. As if something was crawling around inside, a sort of pleasant amoeba. The metaphors abounded.

Two fingers.

Yes, okay, more burning, but otherwise fine. Zoro was taking it slow, letting him adjust. He didn't have to, but then, Zoro was weird. Now the amoeba had extended a tentacle; there were two things, slowly moving back and forth, like they were trying to walk. Doublefinger. Sanji couldn't help it—his muffled snickers turned into hearty guffaws of laughter. It reminded him of the chick in Arabasta.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing."

Three fingers.

Pain he tried not to feel. He had broken his ribs and his spinal cord in several places on Drum Island, he had had his stomach cavity cave in when Kurobi of Arlong's goons had decided to take him swimming, he had had metal plates adorned with stone pearls slammed into every portion of his body. But there were different types of pain. And though this one hurt less, it had a different feel to it. It was an intimate pain, a pain with deep roots in the psyche.

"This is a really good view, Sanji, just saying." Zoro remarked from behind him, "You good?"

"As good as I'm going to get," Sanji answered, feeling the slight adjustment on Zoro's part, and the probing heat at his sensitive hole. But Zoro had prepared him well, and the transition from fingers to cock wasn't going to kill him. Or at least, that's what he liked to tell himself. A little pep talk from the old subconscious. Yee-haw.

"It's pretty easy this way," Zoro remarked from behind him; and Sanji's mind blurred and twisted in strange formations as he tried not to think of the _stretching_. The _pushing_ and _grinding_ entrance of the _cock._

God, oh god.

"Stop acting like you've got the hardest job down there; this is hard for me to, you know." Zoro muttered, gripping his legs in a death grip.

"I'm so sorry, Zoro, I mean, shit, I can't believe I force you into _this_," Sanji grunted, the words hard in their coming as he's entered. It's hard to sound sarcastic.

"You goddamn right," Zoro muttered, and giving him a particularly hard thrust, hit _that _spot.

Sanji could heat the smile in the swordsman's words, "You might want to keep your voice down."

And the sex starts for keeps.

Zoro grabbed him and plundered him, shifting hips, using his ass like it belonged to him, molding and pulling. Sanji's helpless to do anything except grunt and growl and when the position's right, yelp and cry out embarrassingly when it's not and his muscles complain.

The man behind him with skin that burns really can reduce him to nothing but a quivering puddle of bones and flesh. All Sanji can think of is how fucking good fucking feels—_oh fuck yeah. _How it feels to be gripped and used and needed. How vital it feels to have something so potent within him. How the rhythm of thrusting cock, shifting ass, and roaming hands have all converged into something called sex.

Zoro's breathing heavily behind him, small grunts escaping him when Sanji involuntarily clenched inside in response to the stimulation inside him, the touching of that unfathomable place.

"How's the position?" he asked after a few more thrusts and eye watering sensations had loosed his tongue.

"Great. Now quiet, this is—_hard." _

~0~

After.

His ass was buzzing. Like it had a hangover. He tapped Zoro's back drowsily.

"Hmmm."

"I'm going to…sleep."

Zoro grunted quiet laughter. "Go ahead. You deserve it."

He tapped Zoro's back again, a little more urgently even as the room faded dreamily.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll clean up and dress you. Go to sleep."

It was great how during good sex, even their minds fucked and kept on fucking even after orgasm. He was so in tune to Zoro's wavelength that they could probably communicate telepathically at this moment.

He tried it, just as he drifted off.

_Next time…me. _

Nothing.

And then-

Zoro shifted, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."

~0~


	2. One Condition

_**Pairing: **_Eustass Captain Kidd x Trafalgar Law

_**Unconditional Surrender**_

The vicious brutality of their relationship was enough to diminish the life span of other, less powerful, less vigorous individuals. Their mouths crushed against each other; mouths with the undeniable intent to bruise, to hurt, to dominate.

Intoxicated they were, completely inebriated with the heady wine of the power they tasted on each other's tongues, drunk on the danger. Chronic bastards they were.

It had happened some time after the Sabaody Catastrophe in which the insane pirates known as the Strawhats had humiliated them all with the show of how reckless they could be. Their ships had met somewhere in the middle and Law had stepped off his submarine ship and into the court of Captain Kidd. It wasn't long before, like suicidal moths drawn to the fatal flare of flame, they were ripping each other's clothes off and glorying in the reflection of potent power which they saw in each other.

There was one condition. One unspoken, mute, throbbing condition. That it was unconditional.

No limits, no weak and whining complaints of who was submissive and who was dominant and who was the better pirate. No borders or barriers or flimsy restraints. Everything was fair game, everything. Everything.

Only lust, pure and gorged, bloated with desire and proud in its sexuality could appease and please these piratical and ruthless motherfuckers. Only unrestrained and unembarrassed sensuality was permitted here.

Kidd's thin, red lips twisted into a snarl as Law plunged a free hand down the front of his baggy pants and seized his hardened arousal in a grip which hurt.

"You're fast, Eustass."

Squeeze.

There was no answer, just a vigorous assault on his mouth and the upward-forward jerks of the broad hips which all but smashed the Surgeon into the wall of Kidd's ship.

Unconditional heat, pressure.


	3. Three's Company

_**Pairing: **_Sanji x Usopp x Zoro

_**Three's Company**_

They said it was wrong to deceive one's significant other; they said it was a sin. But the unrestricted lust had never felt so fine.

Ensconced in one of the Sunny's many storage closets, hidden deep in the back, the temperature fast nearing infernal levels, the cook grasped the sharpshooter's hips to keep them from slamming seven inches of hardened tissue into his throat. One hand he kept wrapped around the shaft proper, squeezing and stroking, thumb sometimes slipping into his mouth as he lapped up the leaking liquid.

"God—Sanji—_uhgh—" _

He kept at it relentlessly, making sure to keep one eye on Usopp's panting face, his tangled curls which fell in a handsome disarray around his pretty face. The sharpshooter had caught his eye and Sanji had been quick to hunt, trap, and seduce the younger man when Zoro wasn't looking.

Usopp became sporadic, hands roaming to fasten in his blond hair and by the way the sharpshooter began to choke and gurgle his name, Sanji knew that orgasm was close to explosion. He pulled off, hand wiping the semen from off his reddened lips and hauled Usopp to his feet, ignoring the squawk of outrage from the other man.

"Sanji! _Hey!" _

"Over the barrel longnose," he said, grinning and shoved the sharpshooter, overalls enmeshed around his knees, over the conveniently placed barrel, "Time to pay me. I take cash, check, and _ass_." He slid in, his already lotioned erection pushing past Usopp's ring of muscles to by-now-familiar regions.

Usopp yelped and slammed a fist into the barrel's side, "Ouch! Watch it!"

"Hmmm, tight," he gasped out, "Nice." His hand was already sliding along Usopp's hardened length, and pulling, caressing.

He was five minutes in and six inches deep when he heard the secret whisper of soft cloth, felt the strong hand on the small of his back and felt the slicked head prod into the cleft of his ass.

He froze.

"This isn't what it looks like."

"I understand completely. He tripped and fell on your dick," Zoro purred from behind.

Usopp groaned out, "_What—" _

"Zoro—"

The swordsman pushed him deeper into the sharpshooter, and Sanji felt himself spread wide to accept the man's erection.

"If you expect me to forgive you….by all means, continue."

"Hey, what's—"

"Shut up Usopp," Sanji breathed and pressed forward.

Three's company.


	4. Leap of Faith

_**Pairing: **_Sanji x Zoro

_**The Relinquishing **_

The leap of faith is when bare skin hits bare skin and stomachs curl at the injustice of it all. The leap of faith is when hands tremble and only will manages to still the slight reverberations.

The leap of faith is taking a shallow breath which doesn't reassure; the leap of faith is closing his eyes and biting his lower lip so that no humiliating noise can cross the threshold of his abused lips. It wasn't like he didn't trust this man, not at all. But there was always a chasm, an irrevocable abyss over which one crossed when one allowed there to be naked hips shifting beautifully behind one. A delightful suicide of independence.

This is it. No going back.

"Scared..." Only the subtle lilt of the word let Zoro discern it as a question and he shook his head, his knuckles turning white on the new, polished boards of the Sunny Go as his fists gripped the flat surfaces in the best way he could.

"Liar…" the cook said softly and Zoro felt the warm lips press onto the flat of his shoulder blade, long since exposed, "But a good one…"

Goosebumps broke out along his back and he arched expectantly, the cold shivers running rampant along a body which no longer seemed to belong to him, but to the man behind him. Kisses dripped onto him, on his neck, on his shoulders, on his upper back—honey to distract him.

The piercing slowness.

The way the boards were amazingly lit in clarity, yet he looked right past them, through them, not realizing that his eyes were closed.

Serious, dangerous, fundamental business. He had taken a leap of faith, but had landed in the arms of a man who would have died rather than let him fall.


	5. Cuban Cigars

**Pairing: **Zoro x Smoker

**Dedication: **This story is for the awesome, ever-entertaining **School Escapee **for being such a good guy! And even though he doesn't read yaoi, much, I tried to make this an enjoyable read for him. xD Whatever that means! He promised me he'd write me a Gecko Moria Fic, too. But I don't know if he'll ever finish it. Lol. Anyway, **Merry Christmas**. xD

_**Cuban Cigars**_

I am head over heels with someone I really can't deal with

I want to block her out of my head by I really can't do it

I tell myself this is the last time I let her do this to me

But every time we spend time, I realize I can't get enough of you

Rip that smile off your fucking face, rip that smile off your face

-_"One and Only", Timbaland_

~0~

"What the hell you staring at idiot? The only green thing here that I can see is your hair. Stop checking me out, you're still a kid and it's creeping me… The. Fuck. Out."

Zoro blinked as he realized that his silent, admiring observations had not gone unnoticed. He could have sworn that the other guy's eyes had been glued tighter than a virgin's ass while he had been running his eyes along the rippling slabs of muscle and the distinctive, lax bulge underneath the man's jeans. But suddenly, the guy's eyes were open and accusatory. Steel grey eyes.

"Heh." Zoro smirked and swung his barstool lazily back to face the rows of beer bottles and brown whiskey containers behind the polished bar, "That's wishful thinking at its most pathetic."

"You're talking out of your ass kid, I'm not the one who's giving you googly eyes." the guy grunted from behind him. "If you want to get laid so desperately, then I suggest you hang around a high school. Are you even old enough to be in here? This is bar."

All right. That was _it. _Sure, the guy was _hot; _he had that rugged, experienced look that came with age. And plus, he looked only in his late thirties, even younger if he had bothered to dye his iron-grey hair black. And the way he stretched out on the couch, with his button down shirt open all the way so that everything showed, and his arms behind his head, and a thick, fat Cuban cigar sticking out of the guy's mouth so he looked fucking _cool_; it was fucking _illegal_. Really, who _wouldn't_ have eyed the man?

But not even the hottest, most sexiest guy could get away with fucking with him. He spun his stool back, his elbows propped on the bar behind him, a grin that was anything but friendly stretched across his lips, a bottle of booze grasped negligently in one hand as he surveyed his prey.

"Hey, I got four words for you, wanna hear them? _Watch your fucking mouth_. If you don't, you're going to find yourself staring out of a black eye." Zoro took a swig from the bottle of Jack Daniels, and let the liquid splash messily over his mouth, dripping off his chin, and letting the droplets roll down his muscled chest.

"I'd like to see the day that a kid like you takes me on." the guy said, puffing on the cigar in his mouth, he didn't even look riled with the threat that Zoro had served him.

"Stop making yourself sound like you served in the Civil War man; people might realize that you're impotent."

"I'm not. And everyone knows it." and amazingly, the guy reached a hand down and placed a heavy hand on his groin, just as one puts a restraining hand on the leash of a vicious dog, as if though touching his dick would assuage his worries that it wouldn't up and start attacking people, tearing into their innocent bodies and ripping their heads clean off.

"_I _don't" Zoro said bluntly, knowing the implications of what he said, not caring. Let the guy take it as he would. He _still_ hadn't given up on taking this arrogant bastard upstairs and teaching him a thing or two. Mainly Ten Reason Why Not to Fuck With Zoro Roronoa. Metaphorically Fucking, that is.

"Why don't you just ask me to fuck you? You're getting more and more pathetic with each line. I can read the want all over your face." the smoker said, leaning back even more and stretching out his abdomen. And if that wasn't a free show, then Zoro didn't know what was. He eyed the chiseled sixpack.

"Let it be known that you were the first one in this conversation to bring the topic of mutual sex to the table." Zoro laughed, swirling back his chair so that his back faced the smoker on the couch. "And you call me pathetic? Man, when was the last time _your _sorry ass saw action? Sometime around World War Two?"

He almost cheered when he heard the heavy thump of boots hitting the wood floor in a promise of reprisal. Zoro didn't turn around until he felt the heavy hand on his collar. And even then, he still had the audacity to pour himself another drink.

"Outside. Now." the smoker grated, "I'm going to beat you to one inch of your life. Trust me kid, you're going to be so close, you might be able to say hi to Jesus. Give him my regards."

Zoro shrugged the hand off his shirt and slid of his stool, taking his shot glass with him as he sauntered off in the direction of the door which opened to the ally. That the smoker wanted to brawl was all right with him. Fuck or fight. Sometimes they were indistinguishable from each other. Sometimes one followed the other. He could always hope. Whatever, release came in different ways.

It was a dark grey afternoon, the clouds were steel reminiscent of the smoker's dark eyes, and the shadows that resulted from the high walls of the surrounding buildings were many. The rain which fell in sheets was slightly exhilarating, the cold and wind bit at his bare skin and made Zoro want to throw back his head and laugh until he dropped. Or to fight until he saw blood. Too bad he hadn't bothered bringing his swords along. But then, he doubted if any booze franchise would allow him to walk in with approximately nine feet of cutting steel strapped to his waist.

They were barely outside before it began.

The smoker took a heavy swing at him. It was thrust hard and powerful, a hit that would have done horrendous damage to the delicate bones of his face or would have left an aching bruise to the more tougher planes of his body. But it was also slow, and Zoro managed to evade it.

"A little slow are we?" he laughed, and sent a rock hard fist into the smoker's unprotected stomach. It was like punching living concrete. Concrete which could flex and sweat. It was a hard hit, and Zoro widened his eyes in surprise as the smoker merely grunted once in pain and continued on as if nothing more damaging had happened.

The retaliation was the smoker's subsequent grappling assault. The grey-haired man launched himself at Zoro like a short, blunt bullet, seizing his arms in a tight grip, and attempting his best to bore him down to submission. It might have worked with a weaker man.

Instead, Zoro gave as good as he got, letting the muscles in his arms and forearms bunch up and strain, slick with the fine dew of rain, as he pushed back against the smoker, unaware that he was grinning like a maniac. God, fighting always made him one incurable, chronic bastard.

Scuffling disarray in the back alley of some unknown bar. The rain's soaking through their shirts, the jackets they wisely discarded on the floor are turning into one soggy, forlorn pile. And still their canines are showing, gleaming white and strong as their lips peel back in highly amused snarls. The air came in wet and cold, but burnt their lungs as the heat in their bodies contaminated it.

The rain fell around and through them, the moist droplets quickly darkening their clothes and making their skin shiny and slick. Zoro's grip slipped along the length of the man's forearm and his grin fluttered as the other guy nearly shook him off with a powerful shove.

"Still think you're going to rip my ass in half?" he asked, just the right dollop of sarcasm decorating the contemptuous amusement

"Stop referencing your ass kid." The smoker answered, "It's making me think you're still after me."

The next shove had the smoker's back slamming up on the abandoned alley wall, and Zoro shoved his face mere inches from the other man's. He paused for a millisecond as the smoker grunted slightly in pain.

"Maybe I fucking am."

Zoro tensed, waiting for the smoker to unleash his righteous wrath upon him. But surprising there was no repercussion. The smoker stared at him, hands tense at his sides, the fat cigar still on his lip, doing nothing to shove Zoro back or extricate himself from the arms which trapped him against the wall.

Zoro stared at him , meeting the stone cold grey eyes with his bottle green ones.

The smoker coughed slightly before saying, wondrously, "Holy shit, you're serious."

~0~

Some dank hotel.

He was breathing hard, trying not to openly pant and so give away how hard he was, how much the guy was affecting him.

"Hey-" he grunted, "What's your freaking name man?"

The smoker's mouth turned down at the corner even as he spread himself further and let Zoro closer. "I already told you. Immanuel Garcia Condriano Okazaki Lopez." He groaned as Zoro placed a hand on him, fingers expertly around the sensitive flesh.

"Bullshit." Zoro hissed, "Give me something to say. Is all I'm asking." He shoved forward, nearly paralleling the motion with the movements of his hand, and the smoker let out a long, gusty, cry. Eyes squeezing shut as he moaned.

"Fuck-you're good-"

Zoro let out a breathy laugh which could have been a moan, "Give me a name and I can do it a hell of a lot better, trust me."

"No; this isn't going anywhere, better we don't get-" Moan. "-attach-" Low guttural cry. "-attached." A whimpering cry which sounded like it would have never come out of the man's tough throat.

"Who says I wanna see your face again? I just want something to cry out when-" Thrust, withdraw, thrust. "I come-"

"No." The smoker said, eyes glaring.

"Please."

"George Bush."

Zoro frowned and muttered an insult under his breath, but had picked up the pace. Let the rocking of his hips claim the man, let the heat soak them both. Let that connection which was the only thing holding them down and in each other, be the only bridge between them.

"Smoker." He gasped out instead, the next time the man clenched around him and made him feel gorgeous. Not noticing the smoker's eyes widened imperceptibly at the word.

But then the sun was between his legs, that throbbing warmth, organic in its very facets. And he really didn't think to wonder or to question.

~0~

"Don't come back to that bar kid. I don't want to see you again." Smoker said, pulling up his worker's jeans and buckling his belt, refusing to look at the sweaty and languid Zoro, laying lazy and sated among rumpled, musky bedsheets. "It's my favorite one. I'm usually there around eight P.M to nine P.M weekdays. If not, you can find me across the street at the other one. But don't go there."

Zoro grunted, "You don't want to see me all right. Get outta here."

Smoker pulled up his shirt and snatched his jacket and keys up before striding out the room.

"Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?" he called out, more teasing than anything.

Smoker stopped at the door, back muscle visible even under the cloth of his shirt. There seemed to be a short, brutal struggle within the man. Zoro could tell even just from the static tension of his back.

"Next time."

And then he was gone.


	6. Taste of Vanilla

**Pairing: **Zoro x Sanji

**Dedication: **This is for **HappyMe_O's **Story, "**One's Prize is One's Nightmare"** for winning Honorable Mention in Lolly Dream's Supernova Guild Form Contest for Halloween and also a gift of a **Very Merry** **Christmas **xD Good Job! Sweet, fluffy ZoSan requested, and here it is. :D Enjoy.

_**Taste of Vanilla**_

~0~

It was undeniably the strangest sight he had ever seen in his life. It was unnatural. It was strangely alluring. It was creepy. It disturbed and moved him in the oddest ways. It tugged at his heartstrings and caused a turmoil in his stomach best attributed to the fact that his large intestine had coiled up tightly and was dancing a lively beat in his abdomen.

The oddity presented him was all this and more. His heart burned and his face felt slightly warm to the touch, though whether it was out of shock or affection he could not fathom. The sight aroused in him emotions which should never have held company together, emotions which should have never mingled if he wished to preserve the integrity of his mind, soul, and body.

Zoro didn't know how long he would have continued to stand there, mouth silently working, eyes wide, heart triphammering, but the cook frowned at him.

"What are you doing? You look like you just saw the ghost of Gold Roger."

He opened his mouth to answer, not surprised to find that his throat had suddenly lost the moisture which had previously so casually inhabited it. "I…what are…what are you…doing?" he croaked, hand reaching up to massage his temples.

Cook's face had been gradually adopting a suspicious look, "I'm not doing_ anything_. What the hell are you jabbering about? What's wrong with you?"

"That. What is _that._" Zoro pointed to the familiar material in Sanji's hands, suddenly unable to articulate himself any more sophisticated manner.

There was a pause.

"Zoro," Sanji said, slowly and carefully, "This is your _haramaki_. I'm _Sanji._ We're on the _Sunny Go_. Can you tell me who you are and what your name is?"

The ridicule broke the paralysis which had temporarily, but powerfully, seized hold of his faculties.

"_You idiot! I know what the hell my own haramaki looks like! What I don't understand is why the hell it is in your hands and why the hell you're sewing it up!"_

"It had a hole in it." Sanji said, the expression on his face was slightly incredulous. The offense hadn't risen yet, but it would. If Zoro knew the man, it would.

Sanji scratched, confused, at the back of his head, "I'm just sewing your _haramaki._ Why are you mad?"

"Because-Because-Because you're not my wife!" he yelled back, wanting to tear some hair out of his head.

"…I know that Zoro. God forbid I marry you." Sanji answered, curly eyebrow raised. "What's the real reason?"

"_Because you look adorable idiot!" _and Zoro fled.

~0~


	7. Hallucination of the Hedonist

**Pairing: **Zoro x Sanji

**Dedication: **This is for **AllBlueChaser** for a Merry Christmas xD And because she's flat out awesome like that. Her stories make me feel like this fic. xD Check it out.

_**Hallucination of the Hedonist**_

Tell me all that happened, I didn't even notice the one who hit me

Everything twirls like a carousal, madness travels all my skin

Wake me up before I change again

Remind me the story that I won't get insane

Tell me why it's always the same; explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain

Before I change again, before I change again

-"Becoming Insane", Infected Mushroom

~0~

He knew he should have never, _never_ succumbed to whatever passed for his heart. He should have never have paused and pondered the _what ifs_ of the dynamics of such a situation.

Sanji's eyes were unfocused, his mouth slightly open, small shivers spun themselves from out the root of his spine. Zoro held him, mind racing, holding onto his naked hips, trying to ignore their arousals.

The cook gave another shiver, this one stronger than the others, and suddenly his eyes focused. Zoro relaxed, maybe_ it_ wasn't going to have any effect after all. Good. He didn't know what the hell he was thinking when he managed to sneak _it_ into Sanji's drink.

Sanji grunted and shoved his erection up so that Zoro could feel the head pressing into him, his eyes were suddenly blazing strangely, "Goddamn you Zoro. You know you want _this_." The _this_ was punctuated by the grinding of his hard cock into his entrance.

"What the hell Sanji?" Zoro gasped, reflex galvanizing him to close his legs. Sanji's sudden flare of dominance nearly freaking him out.

Sanji seized his knees and wrenched them open, immediately thrusting himself in. Zoro cried out, and clenched his teeth shut tightly.

"Fucking-_asshole._ The hell's _wrong_ with you? Fucking _hurt._" Zoro groaned, placing a rough hand on Sanji's forearm.

"Oh, you _liked it_ shithead." Sanji breathed, "You want me to do it again, don't you? Like this."

And Zoro cried out again as Sanji impaled him fiercely, half moaning as the rough assault brushed something that made him weak.

But-

"You _freaking_ retard-"

Sanji placed a restrictive hand on his mouth, sneering, "Shut up. No talking unless you're moaning or you're crying out _my_ name? You know why? 'Coz you're my _bitch._"

Zoro was right about to snap the shit cook's arm off; but before he could, the hand on his mouth slackened and Sanji's blue eyes dazed over. More shudders wracked the blond's body.

"S-Sanji?" Okay, maybe Sanji was experiencing some side-effects from the Ru-

"Zoro? Zoro?" Sanji murmured, blue eyes peering down at him shyly, "I'm not sure I'm doing this right..."

_What the fuuuuuck?_

"Uh…doing what right Sanji?" Zoro said, deciding to play along. After all, it was most likely his fault that the cook was acting like this.

"This…" Sanji blushed, "This is my first time…maybe you should take me instead…" He withdrew, looking awkward.

_What the fuuuuuck?_

"Er…okay…" Zoro got up and took Sanji into his arms and Sanji placed a soft hand on his chest, looking into his eyes imploringly. "Just, lay back on the bed-"

Sanji did, rearranging his limbs delicately and looking up fearfully. "Like this?"

"Yeah…" Zoro spread his legs and placed himself between them, feeling slightly turned on by it all despite the fact that he undeniably _knew_ that Sanji was nowhere near pure and unsullied.

Sanji breathed heavily, tears slightly glistening in his eyes, "Zoro…be gentle…_please_."

The cook whimpered softly as Zoro spread the rings of muscle and cried out, blushing and closing his eyes. Moaning softly and piteously and obviously with great pleasure. Zoro began to rock his hips, pushing in and out, enjoying the way Sanji looked half-drunk. Now, he could get used to-

Sanji's eyes drooped and he shuddered again, one strong, corkscrewing shudder and then-

"Oh god, Zoro, just like that, hmmm, fuck yeah baby, fuck me _hard_."

Zoro's eyes widened and his mouth went slack. "S-Sanji?"

The blond's eyes fluttered flirtatiously, "I love how big and hot your cock feels inside of me, just fuck me Zoro, fuck me harder than you _ever_ wanted to fuck me. Make me _moan_." The cook finished with a heavy groan and unashamedly seized himself in his own hand and began pumping.

The swordsman really couldn't do anything but obey. All the while Sanji moaned and cried out outrageously. Screaming like a banshee every time Zoro hit his prostate and doing all his best to make an obscene show of reveling pleasure.

"_Oh, yes, more! More! Harder! Faster! Just give it to me!" _

Zoro was so close that he didn't even realize that Sanji had changed again. Big, blue eyes looked adorably up at him and Zoro took their look with him over the brink.

He collapsed next to Sanji who immediately cuddled with him and kissed him gently on the brow.

"I love you so much sweetheart."

"….I love you too Sanji?"

"I'm so glad we're getting married."

"…So am I?"

"Let me count the ways I love you." Sanji said sweetly, and happily rearranged the bedsheets around his musky body.

Zoro was dazedly peering up at his smiling face when the whites rolled up in Sanji's face and he finally passed out.

Zoro sighed, relieved. He got up and shifted the inert body more comfortably on the bed before heading off towards the shower. That was the fucking last time he ever snuck Chopper's Rumble Balls into Sanji's food.

~0~


	8. Breaking Taboo

_**Pairing: **_Zoro x Robin x Sanji

**Dedication: **This story was written for the awesome **Brick-a-brack**, for being a cool guy and supporting my crazy writings all the way. And he bribed me with a Gecko Moria fic, but I haven't talked to him in a while…so I don't know about that. Lol. Well, It was fun writing this. xD Here ya go, Brick-a-brack!

**Note: **This is more het than yaoi, but there's yaoi so it goes here!

_**Breaking Taboo**_

My look defends itself, but it's dying of the want

And, already, you know it, all the day and all the night

Your remembrance isn't lost, now going up, now going down

Thirty more degrees Fahrenheit, your perfume, it burns

-_"Perverso", Tiziano Ferro_

~0~

The women of the Strawhat crew were strictly taboo.

It was a maxim which was set in stone. More, it was set in stone, written in eternal flames, and tattooed on the buttocks of each male Strawhat crew member.

Nevertheless, that did not mean that the men of the Strawhat Crew were as stringent as following this command as law decreed. They were free to fantasize, to want, and to have mind-sex with Nami or with Robin or with _both _of them, in any kind of position, in any type of way, and as many times as desired so long as these wishes remained insubstantial and unfulfilled.

There was to be no flirtatious cajoling to coax either the orange haired navigator or the black haired archeologist into bed or into some other act of shameless debauchery. The cook's immodest and blatantly ostentatious form of flirting was quietly disregarded as the rest of the Strawhats did not consider it a feasible form of seduction.

These were the unspoken laws of the Strawhat men.

~0~

It happened at dinner.

Zoro had been digging into something the cook had placed in front of him, wondering if Sanji would be okay with having a quick release after everyone had gone to sleep. It was hard to read the cook. At times he would seem willing, even eager; but it would inevitably turn out that it had all been a mirage. At other times-whatever, the point was that he was trying the decipher Sanji's body language.

It's a normal dinner, strawhat style. That meant Sanji's in the kitchen, Luffy's eating everything except the table itself; and Usopp was making food sculptures from the food. Nami's pummeling Luffy when she gets the chance; Brooke's clashing his utensils together to make a tune, which sounds pretty good actually, and Franky's smashing his arms together and chugging coca-cola mixed with rum. Chopper's playing with a basket and has chopsticks up his nose, much to their captain's delight.

"Like this Luffy? Like this?", the doctor squeaked, his voice sounding oddly muffled with the wooden sticks jammed up his nostrils, he waved the basket in his hands like a lunatic.

"Shishishishishsi! Just like that! Here, stick them up your nose more-", and amazingly, _incredibly_, the captain manages to make the wooden sticks disappear another full inch inside the doctor's tiny little blue nose. It's a miracle.

"Can't you idiots act civilized for once in your pathetic lives?", Nami's looking absolutely disgusted with the way her crewmates are entertaining themselves. It'll be a freezing day in hell when she lets one of these buffoons even_ near_ her thirty eight inch chest.

Brooke yodels his obscene laughter, bushy afro bouncing with the weight of his joy, "Even if I wished to do the chopstick dance, I wouldn't be able to…_as I have_ _no nose-Skull joke~"_

This prompted a series of _Skull_ _Jokes~_ from the less intelligent members of the crew. With Franky doing _Supa _and _Ow_ vocals in the background. It could have been a hit song on some crazy, fucked up musical that involved the skeleton system, a great amount of pain, and acts of greatness.

"_Skull joke~ Skull joke~Ow! Skull joke~ Skull joke~ Suuuper! Ow~ Super Skull joke~" _It was enough to drive a sane man mad, which is precisely why Zoro wasn't paying attention to the right side of the table.

"Would you pass me the salt, Zoro-san?"

He's just not _not_ paying attention, he's too caught up in trying to decide if sucking up to the cook is worth getting laid. It's been a while, maybe too long for the sake of his sexual health. Maybe if he washed dishes…? Would putting the dishes away count as something 'nice'?

"Would you pass me the salt, _Zoro_-_san_?", and this time he hears it because there's a hand tapping him on the shoulder. There's nothing wrong with that, except the hand seems to be growing out of the table. He looks up and sure enough, the archeologist is staring at him, a small, superior smile lingering at the corners of her mouth.

"Oh, sorry-But I don't see why you even need to ask me Robin.", Zoro remarked, reaching over and passing the salt, "You can just pass it from arm to arm."

"Give the lady some respect, shit-marimo.", Sanji immediately said, fresh come from the kitchen and on time to catch his last words, as he placed new dishes on the table, and sat down with a thump next to him. "Robin-chan is too polite to blossom her lovely arms across the table. Though I would never have a problem with that Robin-chan." His lips all but puckered.

"Why thank you cook-san.", Robin murmured, "Though I'm much ruder than you imagine."

"I can believe that.", Zoro immediately said, lifting his fork in agreement, and promptly got a boot rammed into the delicate bones of his foot for the trouble.

"_Fucking Sanji_-"

"If you two lunkheads fight again, then I swear to God I'll raise your interest rates." The hand that was two inches away from slamming into the cook's annoying rabbit-face, twitched. And the leg which was half-way up, stalled momentarily as the navigator's ultimatum sunk in.

They sullenly, if a bit fearfully, returned their limbs to their proper places. Though if they had been wearing mood rings, the poor things would have shattered with the electricity between them.

"I could cook mushrooms with the heat between you two.", Usopp remarked, from where he judged to be a safe place next to Nami.

A tight, furious silence greeted this observation and Usopp said no more.

"I think it's great!", Luffy piped up, "It kind of reminds me of when me and Ace fought all the time! Did you know that he beat me up all the time? Of course, I was going easy on him…"

"Liar.", Nami drawled, lifting her chin in a superior manner, "He said that you never beat him, and that you _still_ can't."

"Wha-I don't remember that-", Luffy said, mouth sticking out in a pooch, and light beads of sweat collecting on his forehead as he tried to go _a la Usopp._

Zoro turned away from Sanji to snicker behind his hand, making sure not to incur the wrath of the Almighty Navigator again. And that's when it happened. It was the moment when he felt _something_ drag its palm across his crotch. _Oh, hell no, who the fuck did the cook think he was? _Did he think that Zoro would come panting after him with just one stroke of his dick? Did Sanji seriously think he was that desperate?

"Hey, I'm not going to lay you if you _begged_ me to, _cook_.", he said under his breath, turning slightly so that only the cook can hear him.

Sanji's face made a weird quirk, "What? Who said _I _was trying to get into_ your_ pants? It's the other way around, _marimo_."

"Oh, don't give me that innocent _shit_. I felt you gripping my balls underneath the table, and I _doubt_ you were just trying to shake their hand."

"You're _insane_.", Sanji hissed back, "You want it so bad, you're_ imagining_ it. Roronoa Zoro, you have reached an all time low." The cook jabbed the piece of meat on his plate with his fork in disgust was if to say, '_I actually slept with this douche?'_

"Don't feed me that crap cook; I know_ your_ hand on _my_ balls when I feel it. You have that weird kink where you trace up my dick from the tip to the base with your middle finger-you know I _love _that-"

"You _fucking moron_.", Sanji said in a wondrous tone, "That was too fucking _detailed. _Is your dick _that_ sensitive?" They were still carrying their heated debate in whispers, mindful of the ears and of the testy navigator.

"Zoro! Sanji! You have to see this!", Luffy shouted, flapping his hands ostentatiously, as if screaming their names wasn't enough; and the pair swiveled to see what the hell their captain had gotten up to this time.

The great spectacle, probably one of the seven wonders of the world to Luffy, was the fact that Chopper had managed to fit in _two_ chopsticks in _each_ nostril. Simply amazing.

As Zoro gawked, Sanji's meddling fingers temporarily forgotten by the level of stupidity he is suddenly confronted with.

And then-three quick pumps on his length, hard and fierce, like he likes it; trying their best to fully tug his dick through cloth of his pants, and in Zoro's humble opinion, succeeding magnificently. Zoro tried not to just melt into the table like heated chocolate. "Okay, cook, I change my mind-", Zoro muttered, turning, fully intending to let the cook have his dirty way with him. So much for self-resolve. He crumbles like a cookie.

He actually continued talking for a second after he realized that Sanji was most definitely not there. The cook must have gotten up as soon as Luffy had cried out, because the blond was happily humming around the kitchen.

_Holy shit. The Sunny Go is haunted and whatever or whoever it is that haunts it is_ groping_ me. _

And then, that's when he looked up, and somehow, his eyes found Robin's. And the _knowing _in them determines the fate of the night. Her blue eyes are hungry, and the most delicious food that Sanji could ever hope to concoct will not suffice her appetite. And something in his body responds eagerly. More, it jumps to the mere idea with a willingness too strong for comfort.

Zoro opened his mouth to say something, _anything_. But shut up instead. He nodded. A small, serious gesture of acknowledgement. An invitation had been sent out and been accepted. He's at a loss, slightly surprised at the turn of events. There's only room enough to heat the warmth in his belly with wondering whether she's as tight and hot as she looks.

And from across the table, Robin smiled.

~0~

They find each other in the lower galley.

It's dark, and there's sex in between the very atoms of the air. It's taboo. It's not allowed. They shouldn't be doing this, it'll just end bad. Platonic is the way to go when there are others and a confined space involved. But they're pirates, and they don't play by the rules. They're dirty, the ones born without a virginity.

But that just makes it sweeter.

No, his mind's too clouded, that's not the right description. There's nothing sweet here. Not when he can taste the night on her skin, and the greedy luster of sweat shines unashamedly over their voluptuous bodies, turned equally sensual with the shadows. Liquid vice. There is something erotically piratical about the way her spine curves up, outward. It curves in need.

Her nipples are hard, enticing. Zoro lathers them up with his tongue, thinking that if Robin arched her back any more, her spine's going to snap. But the thought's in the back of his mind. Unimportant and unnecessary. Anything beyond the joining of their bodies has faded, no-it has burned away from the heat erupting in their very veins. Oh, yes, has he mentioned that their bodies have melted together? That he can't tell exactly when this happened?

"_Hmm_-ah-ah_-yes_, Zoro-_yes_-"

Butterscotch voice so usually refined, reposed and calm; is now erratic, intermixed with the moans and thrusts of sex. But she muffles her own desires, a habit no doubt, ingrained within her own body. To be forever hidden, she must silence her own cries of lust.

He has her laid out on the carpet, completely naked. Their clothes have abdicated for the time being and their nudity is completely wonderful. It allows them to rut like animals, without shame, without inhibition. Complete nudity either invites very loving or very rough sex, and they are of advocates of the latter variety. Zoro doesn't even remember if he had wrenched and slid them off her burning body, or if it had been more of a mutual effort. He knows that his clothes have fallen long since to Robin's greedy hands. It is total war.

Zoro hasn't entered her yet, he's too caught up in the body that has presented itself to him like a gift from fate. No, he's going to take his time, it wouldn't be fair to either of them if he ended it now, so soon. Zoro flicked his tongue out and licked at the upturned nipple, knowing it was just what Robin wanted, why else would she be thrusting her breasts up so pleadingly? They taste delicious, Zoro licks and sucks, feeling the hardness in them, and rejoicing giddily at the tortured cries from the woman underneath him. It doesn't matter that it is taboo, that their sex is drifting in the regions of _this shouldn't be_.

_Why shouldn't it?_

The dark areoles that crown her breast are wet with his saliva. Wet and hard. He can't seem to get enough of them, of their bitter sensitivity. They are small bits of erection, while his own is large, digging pretentiously into her long thigh. Zoro closed his mouth around the tip of the nipple and tugs harshly, needing to. Needing to hear the low, muted moans which spiral up in the air with everything he does. They tease his egoism.

They really haven't made eye contact, Zoro has a ridiculous belief that if his eyes find Robin's light blue ones, he's going to come viciously. He doesn't want that. He wants it to last. And he's going to make it last. Zoro knows that Robin can handle it, it's a possibility which excites. Women can handle it. All women can. But Robin's different. She's powerful and ruthless. How long can she last? How long will he be able to make her last? Three, four, five times? Forever and ever?

He sweetly tortures himself, Robin's as ready for penetration as he is, and he should have been in as soon as her skirt had riled up and allowed him access. But Zoro didn't want that; they know each other too well for it to be a mindless rutting in the shameful dark. At least both have the dignity to delve into the realms of uncontrolled lust without excuses or half-whispered pleas of '_this is only for tonight'._ They go down with all flags blazing, exhibiting themselves utterly to the other.

That's why what they're doing on the floor of the lower galley has turned into a long, intricate, exploration of bodies and of the explosive dynamics that burst forth when they mold together.

Zoro kissed the tip of her nipple again; it's not an apology, but a warning, and Robin murmurs her consent in the form of his name. His other hand restlessly massages her other breast, cupping it, pinching the nipple, squeezing the flesh until it turns dusky pink. Why so needy, dark one?

Robin's doing what she wants, she's being forceful, as is her nature. Her hands aren't roaming his body or pleasuring herself as he runs the flat of his tongue across the underside of her breast. They're pinned to her side of her own volition. And her mind must be on fire with the self-imposed submission that she's restricting herself to.

Zoro can see how her hands twist and turn in silent pleasure as he licks a trail up her chest and neck. Robin can already see where he wants to go, and she twists her a little, angling it so their mouths clash, lips sucking, teeth nipping, tongues everywhere except within their own mouths.

His lungs burn, but his mind and blood burn hotter; cock feeling larger and vital than in any masturbation fantasy he could have ever imagined. Zoro plunged his hands freely into her hair, and now Robin can no longer restrain herself, she runs her hands all over his body, feeling him up with a greed equal, if not surpassing, his own.

And somewhere in the between, she opens and he enters, hard. Slamming, brutal force which she clenches around eagerly, receiving him with only an aroused groan. He slammed in hard, but she sucked him in deep. It's cataclysmic.

The first thrust enflames the skin, Robin is so filled with heat, so preciously tight, so infinitely dark. Zoro gasped out her name between gritted teeth, the muscles in his forearms standing out in bas relief as he struggled to keep himself from melting, from coming. From straining himself to feel every minute sensation, to enjoy every single second. To drink directly from the jugular.

Robin's blue eyes are glazed, yet utterly aware; the sweat on her face making her more than beautiful. Zoro grinned at her suddenly, and plunged his hand in between them, squirming his fingers in between the moist layers of her sex.

"_Hmmm…_interesting.", Robin hummed, her voice calm, like she just read an intriguing explanation on the lifestyle of an ancient civilization. Her voice trailed off into a little groan as Zoro slipped his fingers through, and grazed the sweetest, most silkiest part of her. And then that groan turned into a full-throated moan as he thrust again, not daring to forget that he was still inside, and simultaneously rubbed his fingers against the slick bud, that part that felt so much like the inside of his mouth. So hidden from view, the prostate of women.

"Ahhh_, Zoro_-", Robin let her control slip just a little at the dual sensations, the fire from the cock inside of her, pulsating piece of flesh, and the electricity which Zoro's fingers were producing. It was too much, and that was perfect because she was a glutton. Ravenous for the strong touch of a man, and for the thing which was filling her up, feeling large and powerful and pure delight inside. Was bucking her hips up all she could do?

Zoro grunted again, exhaling air harshly out of his mouth when Robin rose her hips to meet him again, and his fingers squeezed a little too hard from the sudden movement. Robin cried out gutturally, sounding both pained and aroused, and her legs around his waist locked tight for a second.

"_Shit-_Sorr-"

"Don't apologize.", Robin interrupted, breathlessly, "It was good. I came. Please continue."

"Don't need to tell me twice.", Zoro laughed, relieved, and started to pull his fingers back, before Robin sprouted a hand on the nearby floor and put a restraining hand on his.

"No, keep them there. Do what you were doing.", she looked at him silkily, "And don't stop fucking me-is that too much for you to handle? Can you not multi-task?" Was that real consideration he heard in her voice? Gold Roger _wept._

Zoro laughed again, starting the low and slow movements of his hips again so that they both turned red with the repression, "You know what Robin? You're starting to sound like the cook. He says the exact same things, except about ten times more sarcastic. And a hundred times more bitchier."

"I'm glad to know you're thinking about the cook during this.", Robin answered bluntly enough, except Zoro couldn't tell whether she was joking or serious. Ambiguity was her middle name. What wasn't ambiguous was the way he slid in languidly and dragged himself back out so that she could feel every inch come out and move back in. The pace was pure, pleasurable torture. Boiled alive in poisonous honey. Zoro could see their death certificates already, 'Died from a slow and terrible fuck. May their souls rest in peace.'

"Would that turn you on?", Robin asked, her very voice was a struggle, and Zoro wasn't sure how the hell the woman could still retain the vestiges of formality, "If you want to imagine that, I would not be offended."

"No, I'm good.", Zoro replied, amiably enough; not to perturbed with the absurdity of it all, "You're hotter than Sanji." And as if to prove his statement, Zoro picked up the pace, sliding in a little bit faster, the sweat which had just been glistening on their skins, now began to run freely.

"I wouldn't mind being taken the way Sanji-san's taken.", Robin murmured back, and then opening her cornflower blue eyes a little wider, "In fact I insist…" _Safer that way…I do not wish for green haired historians…_

There is a split second in which man and woman stare at each other; in which the inner sanctums of all things pleasurable are consulted and found wanting, and then they're scrambling and rearranging limbs and getting ready. Fingers still wet from other excursions, and well learned by this time in stretching skin, busied themselves in the dark-haired woman.

Robin shuddered prettily, her back arched out once again as she bent her proud head a little, in acquiescence of the feelings which were wracking her body. Forward and backward, every hidden crevice and secretive layer of Robin's body was absolutely divine. His cock was one lucky dog. He envied the bastard. What he would give to spirit his entire self spiraling into her tight, heated entrances and to be able to come from every single pore of his body.

Zoro gripped Robin's shoulders as she settled deeply into his lap. Their sweaty nudity making it so much easier to grip and slide in, push and push out. Zoro could just have sat their holding her, because Robin was moving in ways which could make the most hardiest, the most experienced lover come like a virgin.

Rocking herself, small thrusts of her hips and slight twists of the pelvis, each movement was a band of heat throbbing itself around the length of his cock. It seemed that her very skin inside had hands which were pumping his dick dry.

And the noises she was making were enough to give an impotent man an erection. They would make Chopper a wild animal, turn his cute, docile nature into a sex-deprived beast with fucking the only thing on the mind. The way Robin moaned could turn Usopp brave, could force Luffy to look away from the stack of barbeque ribs on the table. Hell, all of Brooke's bones would stand to attention and Franky's thong would stretch until it tore to shreds.

Moans, needy groans, whimpers, prolonged sighs of ecstasy. Robin panted and cursed and demanded more, digging her nails into his thighs to show him how much she desired it. He obeyed, delirious, drunk on sex.

Zoro could feel himself beginning to teeter, and he pushed Robin half-gently, half-roughly forward, encouraging her to support herself, and when her knees hit the carpet, he was on top of her.

"Comfortable?", he asked, pausing.

"Lovely."

It was the signal, the go-ahead. Zoro lost no time in fucking her, his movements fast and greedy. They were finally losing it, after playing with each other for so long, they had finally gotten serious and were fucking, fucking each other numb.

Robin clawed at the floor, throatily moaning with each relief period he gave her when he pulled out, and crying out when he pushed all the way in, gripping her hips fiercely.

"_Haaa_-Zo-ro, _haaa_, mnng!", he would have given anything to have had the energy to flip her over again and fuck her face right side up so that he could stare her in the face and watch the coming in those gorgeous eyes, and better yet, watch orgasm claim her body.

But he-he

he was going-

hot, so hot-too much to handle, blurring velvet-oh, she was-

_goingtogoingtogoingto-oh, imgoingto-_

And everything was rushing towards one spot in the universe, yet it was frozen as it moved and it was so slow, so poignant, yet so fast, it was-

_Itthisisit-thisisit-there!_

Zoro slid down from wherever climax had kidnapped him to, sliding himself out of her body tiredly; and lifting himself up for a second in which Robin languidly turned over again, pillowed himself on Robin's naked belly, cradling his head to her ample chest and closing his eyes in sleepy satisfaction.

Hard work always made him sleepy. But then, everything made him sleepy.

"Absolutely delightful.", Robin murmured, her voice, both tired and amused drifted in his ear. The woman was always going to be amused at something; the world was her own private entertainment center.

Zoro smiled into her comforting nudity, "I can't feel the tip of my dick. I think it broke off inside somewhere."

Robin chuckled and ran a hand through his sweaty green hair, "Maybe your dick can go look for it later."

They laughed together, and then lay together for a while, adrift in dual comfort. But Zoro knew that the joke was just a joke, a dirty witticism. They had broken a seal without repercussion and had reveled in it. But what had been, was now over. Their bodies had dictated that night, but their minds would not fall into that trap again.

But it had been beautiful. Perversely so.

~0~

Sanji looked at him oddly as he settled heavily into his bunker and tucked his arms behind his head as a makeshift pillow. The cook had been busily scribbling in a notebook at the small table in the men's room when Zoro had lugged his sated self away from the lower galley.

"You okay?"

"Fine. Why do you ask?", Zoro closed his eyes and stretched out.

"You'd usually be here thirty minutes ago, your mouth all over my dick. Trying to get me to bend them and spread them.", Sanji remarked, putting a bookmark in his book and getting up, pausing to pop his back.

"I'm tired, is all." Sanji would dispatch him to the here-after if the cook ever found out. Revenge for assaulting a beautiful lady the cook called it; pure, unadulterated jealousy Zoro called it. "I'ma sleep. Night, cook."

He didn't feel Sanji slip to his side until he felt the cool hand at his brow, "You want me to sleep in my own cot tonight?"

Zoro smiled, but didn't open his eyes. "Just because I don't want to fuck you doesn't mean I'm sick Sanji."

"Oh, right.", Sanji said, and Zoro heard the smirk, loud and clear in his words. "Okay, sorry. But you want to sleep solo tonight, or what?"

"Nah, it's okay. You can hop in later."

"All right. Let me just make some dough for tomorrow, then I'll call it a night." Zoro heard the cook's heavy footsteps fade away and the door close.

He slept. Better yet, dreamt.

~0~

It was pitch black when he woke up again, disturbed by movement as someone settled in his personal space.

He cracked open an eye fuzzily, "Sanji?"

"Yeah, go to sleep. Dough took longer than expected. It wouldn't-nevermind, sorry for waking you. Go to sleep.", the cook whispered, and patted around the region on his head.

"Night, then."

He slept

~0~

He woke again, what seemed ten minutes later. This time it was because the cook was all over him, _sniffing._

"Whatthefuck-Sanji?" Zoro whispered fiercely, trying to shove the cook off.

"You smell like Robin-chwan!" Sanji accused him, sounding utterly offended, "I myself bought her that perfume! _Eau de Amazonia! _You _reek _of it! Fucking explain yourself!"

"Shut up cook. She was spraying it around and accidently caught me. That's all. Now _go to sleep._ What-No, stop-_Hey!"_ Zoro twisted and squirmed futilely in the cot as Sanji's hands peeled down his pants, raked his _haramaki_ up, and seized his sleeping dick in condemning hands. Fingers wrapping around and feeling every fucking square _inch_ in a geographical inspection. It was a motherfucking _safari _of his penis, complete with tour guides and helpful brochures.

"This dick," Sanji hissed between his teeth, fuming, "It's been _used_."

"Go to sleep _you idiot_."

~0~


	9. Red Light

**Pairing: **Sanji x Zoro, IU, NC-17

Author's Note: This story is written for **AllBlueChaser** for her Contest, in which the theme was 'gratitude'. And it is AU in some strange universe whose likes I know not. Enjoy the story! It's a kind of strange thing.

_**Red Light**_

Sitting in a corner all alone, staring from the bottom of his soul,  
Watching the night come in from the window window  
It'll all collapse tonight, fullmoon is here again  
In sickness and in health, understanding so demanding  
It has no name, there's one for every season  
Makes him insane to know, Running away from it all  
"I'll be safe in the cornfields", he thinks  
Hunted by his own, again he feels the moon rising on the sky  
Find a barn which to sleep in, but can he hide anymore  
Someone's at the door, understanding too demanding  
Can this be wrong, it's love that is not ending  
Run away, run away, run away!  
Full moon is on the sky and He's not a man anymore  
Swimming across the bay, the night is gray, so calm today  
She doesn't wanna wait.  
"We've gotta make the love complete tonight..."  
In the mist of the morning he cannot fight anymore  
Hundred moons or more, he's been howling  
Knock on the door, and scream that is soon ending  
Mess on the floor again.

_-"Fullmoon", Sonata Artica_

~0~

After it was over and the man had unpeeled his body away from his own and dressed with quick, jerky movements and exited, he got up. But while the customer was still in the room, he was but a sweet, sticky mess in rumpled bedsheets. They liked that. They liked to think that their performance had left him exhausted, quivering, empty, shocked.

But then these men of the long and heat filled night liked to think many things. They were strange creatures. These men wanted him to be a virgin, a whore, a submissive bitch, a male dominatrix. He had played them all and countless varieties.

But he was neither of those. So why they came to him was a wonder. Or perhaps it wasn't. Simple carnality.

He flipped slowly over onto his back, feeling the characteristic slow flare of warmth rolling up his ass and through his spinal cord. Now with no heated frontside humping his back in imitation of sex, with no hairy, muscular hand wrapped around his cock, senselessly pumping the length because the owner thought that that was the correct thing to do, there was cold.

A glance at the grandfather clock informed him that he still had time. The bosses usually gave him an hour or so to recuperate before they announced his availability. So he lay there amiably enough, to comfortable with the semen drying sadly on his lower belly and sticking between the sheets and himself to mind it, or bother washing up. He'd do that later.

For now he would concentrate on recollecting his thought, scattered astray by climax. Today had been busy. Too many men. Too many roles to play. Too many orgasms. Too many that he had forgotten who he was and what he should do.

Too many.

Too.

~0~

The quiet shaking of one of the house's servants woke him.

"Mister Sanji. Mister Sanji. Your patron is calling you, Mister Sanji. Please wake and do get up."

He nodded, eyes half mast, wondering where his time had gone. The servant, one he knew well and who was used to his occasional nudity bustled about the bed, throwing a fresh set of evening clothes at him and rearranging the bed. Though to why and wherefore Sanji knew not. Only knew that it was a pointless, senseless, foolish ritual. The clothes he would part with in few minute's time; and the bed was not going to be used again this night.

But he got up and taking the little satin towel the servant kindly offered him, scrubbed away at the marks of previous ownership, leaving himself clean and unused.

Another man. Hadn't there been enough this night? Yes, he exchanged his body for money, and for good reasons too, but there were times in which he grew tired. He was but a man. And human at that.

"Where? Who?" Sanji asked of the little servant, shrugging into the loose fitting clothes and rousing himself. The lighted cigarette, courtesy of the servant's wise forethought, filled him in ways all the men had been unable to.

"Second bedroom to the left Sanji, dear. And it's _him_. Your _patron."_ the servant repeated, eyes childishly wide, trying his best to inform him without directly saying anything. He had no patron. Really, there was no need for such caution. But Sanji appreciated it. And it was welcome news.

At least the night was still salvageable.

Gratitude was something he felt rarely in his career, but he felt it now. His patron was not his patron, but simply a man who treated him right. Who sometimes came in and asked for him. Who asked him to be himself, who didn't look past and through his body, but at his flesh and rejoiced of it.

~0~

"Are you tired tonight?"

At the voice, both sincerely kind and strangely awkward, Sanji rolled his head back on the man's shoulder, curving his back out to do it and sending a welcome white dribble over the curve of the man's hand, wrapped around his throbbing erection.

"Busy tonight." he answered, closing his eyes as his nose ghosted over the brown skin of the man's neck, kissing it softly when the man traced a warm hand over his hip.

"You should have said so, idiot." the man grunted from behind him, and made to withdraw, "I wouldn't have come."

Sanji stopped him, not wanting to lose the reassuring feeling of completion, of sated need, but he said, "No, I need the money. I'm not that tired."

The man stopped halfway, the hand stroking his arousal trailed up the hard length, unsure, "I don't want to push you." The strange half-in, half-out feeling caused a stir of annoyance in Sanji's usually fiery temper. A temper which had been unusually subdued that night, an event which had prompted the man's question.

Sanji let his body response, spreading his legs wider, the hand which had been lying languidly on the man's thigh, joined the other man's hand in pleasuring himself. His white fingers interlinked with the man's brown ones around his reddened flesh, encouraging them to move up along the swollen length.

And was rewarded at once with the slow pushing of entrance, refilling him gently. The neck underneath his mouth dipped forward and his lips lost contact, but it was not too great of a loss, as the man kissed the base of his white neck, soft, whispering his kisses.

And still the part of the other inside of him was slow, pulsing piece of flesh. The man kissed his neck and shoulder while his erection was inside, not thrusting. Mindful of the abuse the part of his body had suffered for the majority of the day. Kissing him gently, as if in apology for whatever had happened earlier.

The hand at his cock also was still, simply gripping him in a calm and reassuring hand. Sanji shuddered again as he became mindful of the sensations. Otherwise, if he concentrated and focused on the small, chaste kisses he could last in this womb forever.

The kisses turned wet. Lips turned to tongue. And then he really couldn't pinpoint the movement when the hips he rested on started to move, to roll, to slide in and out, and the hand around his cock squeezed and smoothed.

The tongue at his neck stroked in sensual rhythm with the hand between his legs, and the cock inside him went in slow, aching lunges. So slow it was killing them both. Gentle, reassuring, unspoken words which said, '_You are you, I am I, and there is order and stability in what we create.'_

It was only this man which could kiss him and murmur his given name into his ear. His real name. Who could enter him and yet, not take him. Who licked him, and tasted Sanji.

His lower stomach began to clench, the muscles contracting in response to the sensations as he reached his threshold.

It was too late, but Sanji threw his head back and began to rock his hips, the inevitable actions of a man who, knowing he will never catch it, runs after his fast departing train.

Too late.

Too.

The man inside him, sensing his coming, grew bolder, a hand stroked and pinched at his nipple, went lower and twisted strong fingers in the thatch of dark yellow hair which crowned his sex. Sanji felt it through a blurring veneer.

Whisking him away, it was. And Sanji closed his eyes and murmured against the neck beside him, "Zoro, oh Zoro…"

Then he came for the last time that night. Those few seconds which everyone looks for and which are so highly treasured, those few seconds which duels are fought over and which lives are ruined forever.

It opens his eyes. And the world's colors seep in again, brighter, the shine which had been lost because of too many seconds came back. And he opened his eyes and was Sanji again.

Zoro nuzzled his neck affectionately, and as Sanji let out a small groan, his brown hand, smeared with lukewarm white, rose up and Sanji bent forward and cleaned it. Pink tongue running over tanned flesh, lathering himself up.

The shift in bodies as well as the heady sigh which escaped him, revealed Zoro's secret. And immediately, Sanji was embarrassed and slightly ashamed. And irritated.

He twisted back and pushed the other man down so his knees hooked on the edge of the bed, with a small grunt of exasperation. Zoro compiled at first, eyes wary, and then as Sanji slid down his naked form, he said, "No, don't."

"No. I'm not the client here." He didn't close his mouth after he said it, and erection slid into his mouth easily enough. Sucking wasn't enough, be backed off and kissed up the length, and once reaching the slit, licked down. And then again, inside his mouth.

It didn't take long. Most of the initial come was inside of him. And he swallowed when the seconds again creeped up.

Then the resting. And that awkward, strange moment in which Zoro took out his moneybag and placed the appropriate amount on the pillow.

"Next time tell me, numbskull."

"Next time I'll kick your head down all the way to your anus."

Zoro paused at the door, "See you next time then Sanji."

"Good bye. Take care."

~0~

Zoro really was not sure why he kept coming back to that man's bed. It wasn't healthy to fixate on someone like that. Especially someone who sold themselves. The hips he grabbed while he made love to the man had been handled by others. Countless hands had wrapped themselves around Sanji's erection. He belonged to no one and to everyone.

Was it natural to feel hurt and slightly jealous when he saw bite marks on the man's white shoulders?

He was an idiot. He kept coming back because there was a small inkling of hope that there was something more, something more than money between them. There was that idiotic, foolish, naïve, hope that Sanji preferred _him_ above all others, liked _him_ above all others, and enjoyed _him _above all others.

Now at home, feeling oddly happy and empty at the same time, he settled down in a large easy chair. And dreamt. Of when he had-

When he had lost his mind.

When he had-

~0~

"A feisty one." He had said, waving away the small, unobtrusive catalogues.

"Sir?"

"Feisty." He repeated, "Fiery. Tough. Rough. Fighter."

The servant had looked at him. Looked at his muscular arms, broad shoulders, and three swords slung low at the hip. Then had retreated to a hurried, whispered conference with a similar servant

Zoro had waited patiently, then said, "Well _if _you have one. Though if you don't, it doesn't matter to me."

The servant returned and nodded his head energetically, if a bit fearfully, "Oh no Sir. I was just seeing if the man in question was available. And he is. Please proceed to the second bedroom on the right. Though please leave your weapons with my friend."

Zoro nodded and unclipped them from his belt.

~0~

After Zoro had left, Sanji had finally been able to walk home. And thanks to Zoro and the others he was able to buy a rather generous amount of food at the market. His family would be happy, ecstatic. Not blood, but close enough. They all lived together and barely managed to squeak by on Sanji's earnings.

It started to rain halfway there and Sanji threw up the collar of his coat in defense. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was Zoro's appearance, most likely it was the combination of these two elements which transported him back in time to a night in which he had first met the other man.

Rainy, stormy night.

Nostalgic of a time in which he had met Zoro.

The rain beat in time as he remembered.

~0~

"Fighter? Rough? Tough?" Sanji repeated, a small smile playing around his mouth.

"I assumed you'd be able to take this one Mister Sanji." The servant said, glancing at him nervously.

"Sure. Why not?" And inside he had laughed. Why had he accepted? He could have gone home, his quota completed. What had driven him to accept another client when he had not needed to? Perhaps because the last man had wanted him submissive, had wanted him to moan and cry and scream even though the man's actions were nothing extraordinary.

He could already picture this new man in his mind. Small, rabbitty, with more skin then muscle, too afraid of his own desires, driven to a paid whore to satisfy his own needs.

"What room?" he asked, belting a soft terrycloth robe around his lean and lithe frame.

~0~

Zoro's eyes ran over the figure as the other man stepped into the room. Tall, blond, and handsome. The muscles in the man's forearms nicely shaped. The white robe he was wearing covered everything else.

There was no smooth, silky gliding up to him. No seductive smiles and tilting of necks. It had been surprising.

"Heard you want a fighter." The guy had said, watching him in a way Zoro couldn't help reacting to.

"And I assume you're one?" The slight note of disbelief he attached to the question was more playful than anything really, but the mood suddenly between them called for it.

The blond had smirked, "Let's see you try to take this robe off of me and fuck me."

~0~

The challenge issued was just this guy's form of foreplay. The fact that Sanji was actually interested to see how this round of work panned out had nothing to do with it. But it had been a while since he'd actually been this interested in a client. The guy was nothing like the frail little dandy that Sanji had imagined. The guy was a good looking devil. He couldn't help adding, "Otherwise, I'm going to rip those clothes off of you and rip your ass in half."

And then he was moving forward. Feeling slightly excited and a bit turned on in spite of himself. There had been a strange reversal of roles in his head, brought on by the strange request. He was no longer the prostitute, he was the client.

And then-

~0~

-the blond man was arrowing towards him like a feathered shaft shot from a nice, wooden bow and Zoro found himself backing up before he even thought of it. But catching himself, he reversed his movements with a smooth oiliness and met the man head on, hands struggling at the white terrycloth which covered hips he suddenly desperately wanted to see.

The other man kneed him high in the gut, shoving off his hands with a slap, and as Zoro bent a little with a stifled grunt of pain, the blond's hands shot forth and clawed up his simple white shirt, yanking it up all the way to his neck.

Zoro would have resisted, _started_ to resist, but before he could even _think_ of doing such, Zoro saw the yellow head jerk down and felt a moist tongue slurp at his nipple, and the fist which had been ready to slam into the other man's chest, sagged as the warmth fastened and sucked.

But just as a small shudder twisted up his spine and before he registered anything-

~0~

-his green pants slid down under Sanji's hands and the smile lurking at the corners of his mouth, shone out. Shirt up, pants down, just who was the whore in this room?

"Shit! Bastard!" the other man yanked down his shirt and tried to recuperate his fallen dignity, but Sanji viciously held them down, the sounds of fabric tearing was loud, and dropping to his knees, swallowed the man's rising cock. Feeling both highly amused and more turned on then ever at the fact that the man now had suddenly changed his mind on where his pants should or should not be.

A firm hand settled on his blond head, the fingers gripping the strands tightly and Sanji, hastily abandoning the cock, snatched his chance, in a split second his hands wrapped around the other's man's shins and yanked them back, successfully-

~0~

-toppling Zoro. He really didn't know what the hell was happening anymore. One second he was getting attacked, next his nipples were being sucked, then he was getting his cock sucked, then he was crashing to the ground, his butt hit the floor with bruising floor, his half-naked legs straight in front of him.

And before he could even curse, or struggle back up, or fly at the man who had dealt him this humility, Zoro saw that the smiling blond was in a perfect position to snatch the rest of his lower body apparel off.

Which is what he did.

"I think I'm winning." The guy said, sounding both insufferably pompous and slightly aroused.

"The _hell _you are!" Zoro lunged forward, catching the blond by surprise, and his hand managed to seize the white material at the guy's shoulder and pull down. It only served to turn him on more, the skin so revealed was a healthy peach, rippling with lean muscle, and the nipple was taut and dark, crowning a curving pectoral. His hold actually slackened as he stared at the exposed region like the idiot he obviously was. And the blond, seeing the direction of his gaze, laughed and scrambled up, easily reclaiming his robe.

"See something you-

~0~

-like?" Sanji asked playfully. It had been sort of amusing to see the other's reaction to his body. As if the other man had been surprised to see that he too, had nipples.

"Something which I'm going to see again in a minute-" and the man, stealing Sanji's own trick, lunged forward and, seizing his legs in a firm grip, brought him crashing down to the floor. He felt himself falling, but amazingly, instead of anger he realized that he had never been so intrigued in his life.

And so he didn't complain or even resist when the other man crawled on top of him and easily unbelted the white terrycloth robe. He only rolled up his eyes and moaned when the other man grinded their erections together and only pausing to spread something cold and viscous on his length, lowered himself agonizingly on his reddened cock.

Sanji felt a flitter of-

~0~

-surprise even in his own heart as he felt the arousal slowly push into him. Zoro had fully intended to end the night with a man bent under him, one hand holding the curve of his hips, and the other playing with the other's erection.

But this blond. Stomach and chest looking chiseled out of some organic stone, biceps and triceps flexing, blond haired and blue eyed, looking at him with such strange, detached adoration.

In a minute, Zoro was rocking his lower body, feeling the shuddering sensations as the other man's length dug deep and hit him where it was best, trying with all his might to keep on riding and not dissolve and last so little, not to cut short this time which-

~0~

-seemed like the hottest, most intriguing sex he'd had in weeks. _Years._ What the hell was this man made out of? Surely not things of this world. Sanji was helpless to do anything but stare back, breathing heavily, grunting when the man settled weightily on him, choking out something unintelligible when the heat was ready to kill him, giving a low-pitched cry whenever-

~0~

-he sat just right that there was something in his spine which gave out eye-watering sparks, and made him feel like he was leaking ridiculously copious amounts of semen onto the muscular stomach beneath him, the white liquid pooling in the dents of muscle, filling the adorable dark spot of his naval. Zoro felt the subtle clenching begin in his abs and stomach and there was nothing left to do but-

~0~

-hold on tight, the sensations gripping him from his head to his toes, as the greenhaired man on top of him, began the last stages of their act. His palms flat on the carpet, supporting his weight, his black eyes boring into Sanji's, the only thing making that gaze supportable was the thick veneer of arousal which covered them. And there really wasn't anything else to notice, not even that scar, when the man-

~0~

-beneath him tried to grind his hips back and create more of that, more of that-

~0~

-motion was slicker than anything he had imagined before. And Sanji, suddenly remembering, and a little shocked at his own idiocy, reached up and grabbed the other man's-

~0~

-cock inside of him was large and leaking, he knew it. Not much to go, and then when the hand wrapped around his-

~0~

-erection was hot, pumping, ready for release. He was a bit exhilarated-

~0~

-at the way the blond handled him. Hard. Rough. Pumped him like the bastard he no doubt was. But these two things, inside out, made him-

~0~

-peak. Rushing, filling, roaring of his ears as there was nothing else but lying on the floor and having this suction pression tension tightness all over him, all through him, taking him away and throwing him through the clouds and skies and right through the sun, and oh, oh, _oh_.

The seconds passed, the climax and the relapse period passed. And the other man passed as well. After, alone and quite naked, Sanji lit up a smoke, feeling ashamed and slightly flustered.

The gold piece on his pillow gleamed.

~0~

Sanji knew he had seen the last of that man. Men like that simply did not need to pay for sex often. He had probably been a traveler, a foreigner needy for a little release.

The man was probably halfway to the otherside of the globe by now.

But then, of course. Feeling like it couldn't have been otherwise, two weeks later, there he had been. Sitting in an armchair, waiting for him. Eyes locked on his own as if accusing him of something, of what Sanji had no idea.

And again it had happened.

And again.

And again.

Sanji had grown used to him, learned his name, felt attached in some strange, unfair way. Grew thankful of his visits and looked forward to them. Though they usually followed the same, comfortable pattern; insult, belittle, fight, and sex.

Surprising, but there it was. He had never thought he'd live to see the day he was grateful to someone with green hair.

~0~


	10. Castles Made of Sand and Sex

**Pairing: **Zoro x Sanji, NC-17, AU

_**Castles Made of Sand and Sex**_

**I**

_Tracks in the Sand_

Who says that they don't hurt, those tracks in the sand?

The ocean has taken them, but the moon is there.

I keep seeing your face in the face of the moon

I keep hearing your voice in between the waves and the foam

I have to change the radio station because each song reminds me of you.

-_"Caraluna", Bacilos_

~0~

Middle July or so.

It was one of those days in which the date is never known, clocks go unheeded, and where the sun and the heat seem to be eternal. Winter is distant, a dream within a dream.

The beach is enjoying a lively popularity today, as it always does during these lazy, muggy days when the heat is so thick and the ocean is so refreshing that there is little option except to pack the cooler, the beach towels, the sunscreen, and the large, colorful umbrellas which remind one so nostalgically of the ocean's side.

Already the pristine white sand has been veritably transformed into a colorful quilt of beach towels and near-naked bodies; and it is only nine in the morning or so, judging roughly from the celestial position of the blazing sun, since, as we said before, the more happy-go-lucky folks of the populace have abandoned the limitations of time. Us included.

There is an unusual and amusing assortment of beachgoers enjoying the serene and fabulously exhilarating blue of the ocean. Drifting among them, as ephemeral as the ocean breeze itself, we can pick out the more fantastic and decidedly baroque figures enjoying this small slice of paradise.

We see a red haired man, resplendent for both the flaming fire spiked arrogantly up and for the dangerous, rough physique he owns. His abdominal muscles strain and flex as he laughs loudly and rather harshly at the antics of his friends, one who sports grayish dreadlocks and who is currently lighting matches in his mouth.

We notice that the redhaired man keeps glancing around, as if looking for someone, and we wonder who would have business with such a fellow. The man with the matches takes a swig of alcohol before he lights up the next flame. Dangerous. But then again, they look like a dangerous group. Best we leave them alone.

Moving on, inconspicuous as always, we see another raucous group a little further down. They, too, are playing with fire. However, their laughter is light and carefree. Boyish, almost. A man, who seems to be the leader of the group, has extraordinary long blue hair hooked into a ponytail. His swimming trunks are decorated with Ronald McDonald's cheerful face. With a start, that is not really surprise, we notice that the fast food iconoclastic star strongly resembles the owner of the shorts. We should move on, for these fools are jokers.

Next on our beach safari we see a large man, as pale as death, stretched out underneath an umbrella which looks like it covers the entire state of Massachusetts. He looks happy enough to be here, though we cannot see a single ray of sunlight that is hitting his body. The man is huge and has strange stitches running up his pale and strangely long neck, as if he had just recently undergone surgery in his throat. Though we silently applaud his fashion, as his mustard yellow, plaid swimming thong is rather charming. It is a transfixing sight, yet we know our manners and we do not stare. Instead we turn in the direction his gaze is headed.

A young woman, wearing a small, two-piece, pink bikini, and looking almost as pale as- who we assume- is her father is splashing around in the shallows and waving towards the area of the large umbrella. Her own umbrella, which is an arrogant magenta and which is decorated with two pink horns, covers her own ghostly white body. Her heavy eyeliner and mascara are slowly dripping down her admittedly cute face, and we wonder why she bothered to apply the cosmetics in the first place. We also note a man standing near her, looking awkward and unsure in the water; noticeable for his leopard skin shorts, the long blonde hair which goes down to his back, and his rugged and harsh features; before we move on.

Another redhead catches our eye, and we approach, eager to discern more of the anatomical imbalance that we see. Though he seems to have lost an arm, the redhead goes around in a red thong and black sandles cheerfully enough. His shoulder length hair is a dark auburn which contrasts nicely with his cocoa complexion, though it makes the white-grey scar tissue slashes across his eye even more evident. He is drinking happily with a couple mates, one who is rather fat, though nowhere near the league of the man we just left behind. Another who looks like a Spaniard, looking good in his maroon thong, and who has sharp yellow-ringed eyes which are so piercing that they seem to see even us. They are talking of old days. It'd be best to leave before the yellow-eyed man discovers us.

There is a nice piece of eye candy at the peripheral of our vision, and we hurry, the better to enjoy the view. He has short cropped black hair, sideburns raking down the sides of face, and a tiny piece of hair on his chin that would be called a beard if it was bigger. Tattoos adorn his body; they look ceremonial. Taking a closer look, we realize that the word DEATH is tattooed on the flats of his fingers. Despite the badboy look, he has brought along a teddy bear. We see it sitting next to his black towel. We can tell by its condition, that it is battered and much-loved. His friends are playing a game of volleyball while he looks on in amusement.

Blonde hair distracts us-we turn to observe. Here is another magnificent set of abdominal muscles and pectorals. A large red X is tattooed over them, the ink curving over the muscles deliciously. A navy blue thong, so shiny it looks like vinyl, cups his admirable package. He would be an extraordinarily handsome man if his chin wasn't so strong and his countenance so serious.

There are many others, just as colorful and exciting, whom will undoubtedly make their eventful introduction later on as the day unwinds. But we have spotted the group which we have been looking for, ever since we came down to watch. They are loud and we can hear their yelling, their laughter, and their conversation from the other side of the beach. We can also see the strawhat, the bright blue hairdo, the book, the crate of tangerines, the green hair, the cigarette, the violin, the pink hat, and the nose.

They are here and there is no need to describe them for we know them well enough. Let's go see what tomfoolery they are up to.

~0~

"GUH!" Sanji choked on the puff of smoke he had just inhaled before Nami had stripped off her shirt and shorts to reveal a bright orange bikini which he barely saw, and magnificent cleavage, which was _all_ he saw.

Nami smiled lazily at him and tossed her articles of clothing at his head, "Sanji dear…can you set up the towels and umbrellas for us? And make us some cocktails? And bring out the coolers from the car? I _would _help you because you know I _love _you…but me and Robin wanted to go take a little dip in the ocean…So why don't you help a lady in distress…Hmmm?" There was a sugary purr in her words as she casually placed a hand on her hip, dragging the side string of the bikini down a few inches down her thigh.

"GUH! UGH Uh Blurgh! Nami~", the rest of the group watched in bemused amusement as Sanji spun around in a virtual tornado, racing to do the bidding of his orange haired princess, spouting out unintelligible material with Nami's and Robin's names mixed in worshipfully.

"Sanji~ Can you fire up the barbeque while you're at it?", Luffy was hopping from foot to foot, excited. His lanky body is snuggled into red beach shorts and his trademark sits jauntily atop his head, "I'm _dying_ for some meat _this minute_."

"No. Meat comes later, at lunch." The whirlwind stops, probably because the magnificent cleavages have wandered down to the water, out of sight. Sanji glances around at the remaining guys and jerks his head at the pile of stuff that they have dragged from their cars, "Help me idiots. I got better things to do them make your damn beds." The grumbles immediately ensue, just as he expected.

"Whaaaat? I thought you told Nami that you'd do it all.", Usopp whines, scratching his nose, "I was planning on going down with Nami and Robin and finally teaching Luffy, Chopper, and Brooke to swim." The trio look at him with doe eyes, the pleading in them undeniable.

"I'm thinking of going down and doing a little dance down by the beach, pick up some girls…", Franky shifts his sunglasses on and pokes a large hand in his thong to scratch his balls, his tone is wheedling as he says, "Come on cook bro… the _Frrrranky _family is over there-I wanna go see the boys…" He rolls the r's in 'Franky' ostentatiously.

Sanji glowers at them, and then, deciding he does not have the heart to hold them here with the menial tasks which will not take him more than twenty minutes, he melts, "_Fine_. You three-you'll probably mess things up even more, so get lost. Franky-you'd just disturb me." Sanji makes shooing gestures toward his friends. "Get out of here 'for I change my mind…"

They all cheer and run off, excited at the endless possibilities that the beach offers them. Sanji snorts with laughter, his cigarette tucked in the corner of his mouth, as he sees Luffy, Chopper, and Brooke immediately start floundering and screaming as they struggle to not drown in three inches of water. He can hear Usopp screaming at them to snap out of it.

Sanji hums to himself as he starts the laborious task of setting up all the beachware; a few minutes pass before he realizes that someone is missing. Sanji pauses in stretching out Nami's and Robin's blankets to glance back at the parking lot with a mixture of annoyance and amusement.

_Ah well…I need to go get the coolers anyway…that idiot…how come no one woke him up?_

Sanji dug the handles of two umbrellas next to the girl's blankets before he got up and wiped his sandy hands on his shorts. At least if they come back, they would find their places ready. The cocktails would have to wait until he had acquired the coolers with the ingredients to make them from the back of the car. And until he had woken up a sleepy, grumpy, green-headed, _adorable_ idiot.

_God, he's such a stoner…how the hell can Zoro sleep through the racket?_ Sanji jogged over to where they had parked his car, the coolers were in his backseat because he had trusted no one except himself to transport his ready-to-be-cooked food. Luffy had ridden shotgun with him, the strawhat, too, refusing to be separated from the meat for even a second.

Zoro had opted to travel in the back with the cooler, even though there had been plenty more room for him in any of the other cars. Sanji had been surprised, speculative, but not wanting to read things more deeply than they were, but it was a tad hard, considering certain events which had happened not too long ago. It was all rather bemusing, and he momentarily blessed the fact that it hadn't mattered. At least, not to him.

Sanji cupped his hands around his eyes and peered into the dark-tinted windows of his backseat, and was not surprised to see the familiar green hair lolling on the car seats, one tanned leg thrown over the cooler, another tanned arm curled beneath the serene body. Sanji stayed there, with his hands cupped around his eyes, a little longer than necessary, before he jammed his key into the keyhole and pulled open the car door, calling out, "Rise and shine, sleepyhead, for the sheep have all left and the larks are singing merrily in the sky…!"

"Whazzat…?", Zoro stirred restlessly, not coming out of his sleep easily, his eyes squinted against the sudden invasion, and his legs and arms made feeble swimming motions to crawl away from the distraction and go back to sleep, "Sanshi?"

"It's me all right.", Sanji seized the handle of the long blue cooler and pulled it out from underneath Zoro easily, "How the _hell_ did you recognize me?" He chuckled at his own joke and hummed some snatch of song he didn't remember the name of. He hadn't been alone with Zoro….since _that time._ It brought back good memories.

"We there yet?", Zoro yawned loudly and scratched at his bedhead, and Sanji nearly dropped the cooler as he realized that Zoro had done the exact same thing after they had woken up together. Woken up only after an effort on his part, scratched his messy green hair… and had asked a stupid question. The fact that Zoro wasn't wearing a shirt-neither was Sanji-wasn't helping any.

"Idiot. We _are_ there. You slept right through it.", Sanji chuckled and seized one of Zoro's hands, pulling him out and up. "Come on, everyone's already started having fun."

Zoro yawned again, "Mebbe I should just sleep in the car…I'm freaking sleepy as hell."

"No. You'll asphyxiate."

"Too strong for that."

"Yeah, okay, Mr. Strong, help me take this cooler to our place.", Sanji grabbed one of the handles and Zoro grabbed the other one, amiably enough. They headed back, Sanji leading.

"Where we at?"

"Near the shoreline, it's a good spot.", Sanji stopped and pointed at the two umbrellas that were already up and the pile of junk next to them, "Over there." He started moving again, already feeling the sun baking him since he had foolishly neglected to apply sunscreen; but something held him back. Or more precisely, _someone_.

"What? I'm frying here-let's get a move on.", Sanji glanced back, annoyed. He definitely did not want to start the day off by peeling skin.

"Hey…", Zoro wasn't looking at him, and Sanji's hackles immediately went up at the tone of voice; it was embarrassed, subtly eager, shy. Everything that Zoro was not, and he did not like that. Not at all. The swinger inside of him perked it's ears up in alarm at the way this shit was heading.

"What.", Sanji stared hard at him, his flat monotone making his intentions clear, throwing up barriers that needed to be thrown up. Not for his sake, but for Zoro's.

Zoro glanced at him, a quick peek, as if to check his emotional weather and turned away again to survey the view, "Nothing…just wanted to ask why you've been avoiding me ever since." Ever since. A sentence which wasn't grammatically correct, but which was understood instantly between the two men. Sanji stiffened.

"What are you talking about Zoro? I haven't been avoiding you, where the hell did you get that idea?",

Sanji's gaze never faltered as he surveyed the man beside him. He was surprised and slightly disturbed at Zoro's observation, it _wasn't _true, he had no more avoided Zoro _since then,_ then he had shaved his head and stopped smoking. What he _had_ done was make sure that they were never _alone _together again. He always managed to bring Usopp with him if Zoro invited him over. The longnose had turned into a living condom, strangely. But what was wrong with a little precaution? Sanji was sure Zoro would have appreciated it as much as he did.

"You know what I mean." The voice is quiet, insistent, full of dignity. And Sanji knows that Zoro is right. He _does_ know what the other man means, no matter how much he wishes he didn't. And Sanji is frustrated and a little dumbfounded at just how exactly things have turned out. It was only a minute ago that he had been a happy, cheerful twenty-three year old at a beach party with his closet friends.

Sanji opens his mouth, unsure of what to say, anything can come out this minute, but when he finally says something, it is stupid, "Let's get out of the sun."

Zoro complies, and they move on.

~0~

"You haven't answered me.", the voice is at his elbow, tickling his neck. There are hands where they shouldn't be and Sanji is a little scared with what he must say. Zoro is his friend, and he would not hurt him for the world.

"I wasn't aware that you asked a question.", Sanji answers, twisting out of the grip, and moving to fix something that doesn't need fixing. He squats by Usopp's blanket and attempts to straighten the umbrella, but manages to knock it over instead. Luckily, brown hands cover his own and help. They linger, even after the longnose's umbrella is up and good.

Sanji finally looks up into his one-time lover's dark eyes, he cannot avoid this any longer; there is a fine line between avoiding something and protecting someone, and he believes he has crossed it a while ago.

"Zoro…you're an amazing guy-", Sanji begins, feeling lost and small. Like someone who has to euthanize a helpless creature.

"Don't coddle me.", Zoro's eyes are locked on his face and Sanji can see the sadness in them clearly. Everything has been settled between them in those eight words and he wishes that he could stop there and put an end to this whole sordid ordeal, but Zoro deserves to hear what he thinks.

Sanji takes a deep breath, "We had sex one time, Zoro. You need to get over it." His words are not malicious, just blunt. Like everything else which is said between them. Zoro has said that he does not want Sanji's pity or flattery, and Sanji respects that. He understands, also, that Zoro wants his trust and respect, as well as his physical love. The first two, Sanji provides blindly, but the latter is something he is not willing to concede.

Zoro nods and he takes his hands back, "Was is it that bad?" His tone isn't offended, just blunt. And Sanji is reluctantly reminded of how much alike they are.

"No, no of course not.", Sanji is quick to reassure, taking a miserable joy in at least having the chance to praise the other man, "You know I've had…other affairs with members of the same sex. So _that_ I don't mind."

"So it's just me?", Zoro is looking at him, his face is unreadable, but his eyes have never seemed so dark. Or sad.

"_No._ No. Zoro, we're _friends_. It shouldn't have happened. What would have happened if we 'broke up'? The same thing that happens with any other old flame-we would have stopped talking to each other!", Sanji runs his hands through his hair, willing Zoro to understand. "I don't want that."

"That's not the reason.", Zoro looks annoyed now and Sanji has to sympathize, he hasn't told so many half-truths to this man in such a short time, for a while. But he is also rather annoyed at the interrogation.

"What! Am I supposed to write you a damn essay of how I feel or not feel?", Sanji's sarcasm is notorious when his back is up against a wall. He looks around angrily, his eyes resting at the shoreline where Usopp is busy teaching the three anchors how to swim. Zoro snaps his fingers in front of Sanji's eyes to get his attention.

"No. But I know damn well that you don't hold our friendship that lightly. That, 'we would stop talking to each other…' is bullshit and you know it's bullshit. Nothing, _nothing _can get in the way of our friendship, and you know it, so don't feed me that _crap_. What the hell are you scared of Sanji?"

_You. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of falling in love again. I'm scared of losing the person who matters most to me in life. I'm scared of experiencing that pain again. I can't go through that again. Not again. _

"Nothing.", he says instead, " I'm just not used to having lasting relationships with people. It has nothing to do with you. It's me." That, at least, is true.

"You went out with Drake for a couple months and before that you went out with Vivi for a couple _more _months, then before _that _you dated Ace, and before _that_ you went with that one hat dude for nearly _three years_. Why the fuck are you lying to me so much?", now there is anger and hurt in his voice.

Sanji's fingers twitch at the mention of who Zoro has dubbed the 'hat dude'. The other names do not matter. Drake was for the sex only; Vivi for companionship and sex, Ace for the entertainment and sex; but the hat dude was different. He had been like Zoro, a close friendship which had progressed to love. It had been a disaster he was not willing to repeat, not for anyone. But what was he supposed to say, _Sorry Zoro, I meant that I'm not used to lasting relationships which might end up in love? _

Before he can think of saying anything, confessional or otherwise, Zoro speaks again, softly, "Why am I any different?"

Sanji is dumbfounded, "What?"

"Why am I any different? If you just want a sexual relationship, with nothing attached, I wouldn't have a problem with that.", Zoro is watching him, gauging his reaction.

"But I don't love you." It is out before he can take it back and smooth over the jagged edges.

Zoro doesn't seem to be hurt, "I know. Love doesn't have anything to do with it."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because….I love someone else.", It is out and it is both true and the root of the problem, and Sanji feels like a bag of shit for saying it finally. But it is the truth that Zoro needs to hear. And he hates himself for still loving the man who had hurt him and left him with a gap too large to fill. The hat dude.

This time Zoro looks shaken, his eyes drop and shift along the sand, as if searching for something to hang on to, he takes a deep breath and lets it out shakily and even laughs a little. Finally he murmurs, more to himself than Sanji, "That explains a lot."

"Doesn't it."

"You…", the tone is wistful, longing, _bitter._ "Back then…you told me that you loved me…I was someone else…wasn't I?"

"Yes." The agreement was rotten and stank in his mouth.

Zoro barks a short laugh, "I'm an idiot. I believed you."

"Sorry.", it is the only thing he knows to say. Zoro has just revealed something had not in the least suspected with those few words and he is lost with the implications. When had everything happened?

"Was I the hat guy?"

Sanji doesn't want to agree, but Zoro deserves to know who he had been unknowingly standing in for.

"Yes."

Zoro nods again and gets up, popping his knee joints in the process, "All right…Look Sanji-I didn't mean to stick my nose in things that you'd rather not talk about…but I thought that you had a problem with me, with what we did. So I had to ask."

Sanji just shakes his head.

Zoro looks down at him for a few seconds, "I would have never said anything if we hadn't done anything."

Sanji looks up at him, "I don't have a problem with it…I'm just sorry that it was me."

"Don't be an idiot." With that last, Zoro cracks his neck and walks off, pausing to pick out a beer from the beer cooler, he calls over his shoulder at Sanji, who is still sitting dazed by Usopp's blanket, "I'm gonna go down with Usopp-help him teach the kids how to swim."

Sanji nods and flaps his hand in a goodbye. He needs to finish setting everything up and finish making the girl's cocktails.

He is glad that things have been cleared up with Zoro, though he understands there will be differences now. Things that have been hidden have been revealed. But now he cannot stop thinking about the hat dude though he had made it a skill honed to perfection to not think of him.

As for Zoro, he regrets that his friend is falling for him, because Sanji knows that he is not the best person to fall in love with and Sanji hopes that Zoro will move on before he sinks in any deeper. Though he knows the green haired man will not move on, simply because he himself hasn't either.

Sanji pulls out the ingredients to make the drinks and tries to regain the sense of happiness he had before he had went to go get the cooler. He does not want to ruin the day for the others.

While he is busy mixing the margaritas, a short, plump, decidedly jolly man who has been making his way down the beach hands him a flyer, there is a whole bundle of the sheaths under his arm, and Sanji accepts it with a polite smile. He glances down at what it says.

_Angel Beach Annual Sandcastle Competition!_

_Summer isn't summer until YOU take place in Angel Beach's famous Sandcastle Competition. The Sandcastle Competition is annually held to celebrate Angel Beach's unique pirate heritage, as it used to be the disembarkation point for many a jolly pirate back in the 1500s. Many of the pirates would build sandcastles as a way to pass the time as they restocked supplies or fixed their ship. There even was sandcastle competitions, with the pirate captain being the judge of the various castles. It was a great carnival of fun back then as well, though the competitions usually were bloody affairs which claimed more than their share of human lives! Of course, no such sabotages will be allowed here. So hurry up and pick your spot and your partner so that YOU can make your summer a REAL summer! _

_Rules: Will begin at noon. Sandcastles must be made mostly out of sand; other items can be used, but at least 90% of it must be sand. Teams must have no more than two members; singletons MAY join. A pirate flag, must be flown from the castle. The competition ends at 4 PM. There will only be ONE winner who will receive $1000 dollars and will be named King of the Pirates!_

_Sign up at the registration table! _

Sanji snorted with laughter. Who the hell would want to be named King of the Pirates?

~0~

**II**

_Past Perspectives_

Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?

Will it make it easier, now you got someone to blame?

You say, one love, one life

Did I disappoint you, or leave a bad place in your mouth?

You act like you never had love, and you want me to go without

Well, it's too late tonight, to drag the past into the light

Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come here to raise the dead?

Have you come here to play Jesus, to the lepers in your head?

Well, did I ask too much? You gave me nothing, that's all I got

You said 'Love is a temple' You ask for me to enter, then ask for me to crawl.

-_"One", Mary J. Blige, and U2_

~0~

"_King of the Pirates!_", Luffy held up the crumpled flier in triumph, "We are _joining. _Captain's orders!"

"Captain? Who says _you're_ captain?", Usopp snatches the flier from the strawhat and gives it a critical looksie, "You're too dumb to be captain, _I'm _captain."

"What! No, _I'm_ captain! The guy named _me _captain."

"Liar! He just _gave _you the paper!"

"Idiots! We are _joining_.", Nami's hand descends on the pair of miscreants' heads much to their dismay. "That one thousand will be in my pocket before the day ends!" Her eyes are shiny. No one is surprised.

They are sitting underneath their prospective umbrellas, all grouped in a small, tight bunch, discussing the flier which has been quite the sensation across the beach.

Franky rubs his hands together gleefully, "I don't know about you guys, but I like the idea of building something with nothing but spit, sand, and sweat."

"I call Franky as my partner.", Nami immediately says, casting eyes of approval over Franky for his engineering savvy.

"Ow! Me and girly will win those dollars!", Franky poses on his blanket.

"What! _I _was going to call Franky-I want to be King of the Pirates!", Luffy shoots Nami a death glare.

"Too bad, kiddo.", Nami snickers back.

"Hmph. I hope your sandcastle sucks.", Luffy says and sticks out his tongue at the bathing suit beauty, which promptly earns him a hard kick to the head from a hard foot which, minus the boot, still packs a powerful hurt.

"Robin~ I see you have no partner…Me and you make two and baby makes three…", the wheedling blond womanizer is already inching his way to the black-haired lady, who has been reading a book quietly, while she listens to her rather eccentric friends. At the chef's words, she marks her place and closes it, setting it aside with a smile.

"Oh no, Sanji. Me and Usopp have already joined forces, you see."

"What! Longnose…", Sanji turns to glare at that unfortunate man, who looks as surprised as any.

"Uh, really Robin? Okay…Sorry Sanji." Usopp starts to sweat as he sees Sanji's scary eyes, and Robin's even scarier smile. He believes he is coming down with his Can't-Build-Sandcastles-disease. Maybe he should just sit this one out.

Robin smiles prettily at him, and Usopp decides that that would be classified as a leer if Robin wasn't so pretty, "Let's stick our noses together, what do you say longnose?"

"I don't want to stick my nose anywhere…", Usopp mutters, trying to decide if Robin is trying to suggest something sexually explicit. It is unlikely, but he can always hope.

"Chopper's my partner then!", Luffy calls out meanwhile, hurriedly scooting to the young man's side before anybody else can claim him.

Said young man, looking adorable and not a day over fifteen, but then again, neither does Luffy; grins widely at his hero, "Luffy, we'll win that sandcastle contest and you'll be king of the pirates!"

"I know, right. I'll win because you're with me!", Luffy throws a friendly hand over the boy's shoulders and they break out lustily into song. Brooke joins in from where he is lying, tanning near Chopper's blanket. His obnoxious yo-ho-ho's filling the air around, and Nami grimaces at the racket.

"I'll go with Sanji.", a quiet voice says, and Sanji flushes at the blatant way it is phrased. He shoots Zoro an annoyed look. He does not want to have forced time together so soon after their conversation just a few hours ago. He needs to step back and breath fresh air, to reorient his compass, find his north again.

But Nami nods immediately and he is trapped, "I was just going to suggest that, you two work _great _as a team…so give everyone a run for their money. Okay Sanji?"

"Of course Nami."

Nami takes a quick glance at him, surprised at the lack of trilling of her name, "Are you all right, dear?"

"Yes. I'm fine, Nami.", Sanji can feel Zoro watching him, and he feels naked somehow. Unclothed and exposed.

Nami gives him another glance, but nods and turns back to the group, "Brooke-since there's only nine people here, you'll be flying solo, that okay?"

"Yo-ho-ho-ho, I'll tag along with Luffy and Chopper, I just won't help them, instead I'll serenade them as they work!.", Brooke gestures with his violin happily. Luffy and Chopper break into more cheers.

The orange head is not pleased, "_You will build a sandcastle Brooke."_

"Y-Yes Nami."

"Ahh, just let him go with strawhat, sister.", Franky comments, already drawing mathematical diagrams in the sand at his feet, Sanji is amused to note that it includes a drawbridge, a moat, and a system of canals already.

"No!", Nami snaps, "The more teams we have, the more chances that one of us can win the contest. It's all in the plan you guys. We'll all go register at noon. What time is it?"

No one knows. Zoro cranes his head up at the sun and shrugs, "I'd say it's 11: 45, roughly."

"I have a better idea.", Franky grabs Usopp and pushes him to the ground, drawing from the longnose a squawk of outrage, "Lie down." Usopp, understanding, grumbles, but lies still. The engineer gauges the long nose and the shadow it casts.

"Yup, more like 11: 49 though.", Franky agrees, and hauls Usopp back up.

"I can't believe you just used my sacred self for a sundial.", Usopp mutters, dignity hurt. And Robin pats him on the back sympathetically. Usopp feels her hand linger playfully over his spinal cord, a finger trailing up the row of jutting bones. He shivers and wonders if he is going to be molested before the day is out. Knowing Robin, he fears that the answer is yes.

"Let's go get registered then.", Nami gets up and stretches out, and the rest follow suit, "Don't forget to put on sunscreen." She turns, smiling lazily, and holds out a bottle to Sanji, "Help me?"

Sanji forgets about Zoro immediately, "Guh!"

~0~

The sun is baking.

In the heat of rubbing lotion all over Nami's sun-kissed body, and next, Robin's cocoa complexion, Sanji has forgotten to give himself the same treatment.

The line is long at the register, amazingly long. It seems that everyone wants that $1000, because he can't think that anyone is after the title except for Luffy. He sees a lot of friendly faces, and a lot of familiar ones. There's Shanks, looking admittedly hot in a red thong; Mihawk, matching the redhead with his maroon speedo. Gecko Moria and his lovely daughter, Perona and her fiancé Absalom.

There are many others that he knows. He greets them all happily enough, they are good friends. His group slowly moves up the line and they line up in pairs to register, except for Brooke, who flies solo, by mandate of Nami.

Zoro knows most of the contestants too, and they talk quietly of the various people amongst each other. Sanji notices that Zoro has tucked something away underneath his arm, but Zoro does not tell what it is, and so Sanji does not ask. There is an awkwardness that he cannot seem to dispel between them, but they are talking; and for that Sanji is grateful.

They register easily enough, and are given a black flag and a white paint pen. Walking back to the beachside, behind Usopp and Robin who were ahead of them, Sanji waves at those he knows and who are still standing in line. As he has said before, he knows most of these faces.

But then there is a face he knows too well and the world crashes around his ears as he recognizes him.

The hat dude. Here at last. The monster who has haunted his dreams standing as real as life, there, on the beach and under the sun, it is surreal.

He does not even feel as Zoro runs into him, he stopped so suddenly.

It has been a while since he has last seen him, but the man's features are hard to forget, Sanji believes he will remember those eyes until his dying day. The hat dude, ironically, is not wearing the trademark for which Zoro has dubbed him. His black hair is free, cut short as always, contrasting nicely with his tanned skin.

He is only wearing a pair of grey beach shorts so Sanji can see the tattoos which he is familiar with. Of course he is familiar, he has kissed them hundreds of times, he has licked them until he could taste the ink on his tongue, he has seen his own semen splashed over the black designs. He knows them well.

The hat dude feels the eyes on him and turns, their eyes lock. The sparks fly, flint chipping steel, Sanji is unaware that there are other human beings on Earth than this man and himself. And he hates himself for wanting to rush forward and kiss the man until they both pass out from the lack of oxygen.

Somewhere, far off, he can hear a distant roaring in his ears, cannot tell if it is the blood rushing through his heart, or the ocean crashing through his soul.

~0~

"Hello Sanji.", the hat dude is looking at him, his voice as low and seductive as always, "It's been a long time, hasn't it? Why haven't you called me?" He raises his hand and runs it through his hair, "I've missed you."

Sanji wants to kill him, wants to drag him in the ocean and plunge his struggling head underneath the waves, wants to snatch up one of the swords that Zoro loves to carry around, unsheathe it, and run it through the man's intestines. Sanji wants to hurt him until the other man finally falls in love with him.

Not saying a word, he walks away instead.

~0~

He is nearly running by the time he nears the ocean, and nearly falls as hands seize his shoulders and spin him around. For a brief, stupid, euphoric moment, Sanji thinks it's Law, coming to apologize and make up, make love.

But no, it's only Zoro. Looking mad, confused, jealous, "Sanji-calm down-just calm the fuck down!"

"No! What the fuck-how can you ask me to calm down-how the hell-"

"Get a hold of yourself you idiot! You want Nami and Robin to see you like this?", Zoro's hands are gripping his shoulders hard, Sanji flings him off, pissed.

"Don't bring them in this-they have nothing to do with this-why don't you leave me the fuck alone, eh?"

Zoro looks at him helplessly, "I can't, Sanji."

Sanji stares at him, wanting to yell, to scream, to kill someone, anyone-Law, Zoro, himself. He does not do anything. He does not do anything.

"I can't Sanji," Zoro repeats. "I can't."

~0~

"I love him."

The statement is simply expressed. It rings with a sort of bitter nostalgia which is painful to hear.

Sanji is sitting on the sand, his back to Zoro, who has, mindful of their obligations, begun to gather sand together to form the basis of an enormous sandcastle. Sanji faces the ocean, needing to feel its stability, that sense of eternity.

Zoro doesn't say anything, he knows that Sanji needs to talk, needs to lance the boils inside of his soul before they consume him. Like Sanji, he had recognized Law right away, had suffered from jealously because of him for three years when Sanji and Law had been going steady, Zoro's tongue had been bloody from his constant biting. The repression had been agonizing.

Sanji had never told him why they had broken up, Zoro had just woken up one day and Sanji had been single, albeit, a depressed single. But the blond had never mentioned what or why. Now it seemed that the story that had been bottled up the man could hold still no longer, it was threatening to be vomited up. For better or worse.

"I _still_ love him. Can you believe that? Can you see what an idiot I am? After all he did, the hell he put me through-I still love him.", Sanji laughs. It is not healthy laughter, and Zoro wishes that he didn't have to hear it.

"It's hard to fall out of love with someone.", Zoro comments, and he pauses a moment to see if Sanji understands the hidden meaning. But the cook gives no sign that he does, or if he cares.

Sanji opens his mouth and begins to speak. Words of anger, words of hurt, words of love. The tale has been hoarded greedily in his heart for years, and Sanji understands that it must be told, for his own sake.

Zoro does not interrupt, he only listens, for that is all he can do at the moment, maybe later, he will have the opportunity to help Sanji in other ways, but for now, listening is all he can do. All he must do. This is Sanji's task, it is his right and duty to vomit up the hate and love he has unwisely meshed.

As Sanji speaks, Zoro builds the castle, the sand sifting through his fingers sensually as the words sift through Sanji's mind. The castle begins slowly, matching Sanji's pace, then speeds up as the words flow faster and faster from Sanji's mouth. Ramparts and turrets are built as the story is built up, the layers added with every sentence that the cook speaks.

Sanji will not so much as touch the sand which creates the castle, but there is no doubt that he has helped build it.

~0~

It is the Spring of love. He knows nothing of Trafalgar Law, Eustass Kidd, or of the pleasure that anal sex can bring. He is straight, with not a shadow of doubt over his orientation bothering him.

He has signed up for a culinary class at the local college. One day, he decides to stop by the gym, to see if there are martial art classes which he can take as well.

Law is there.

They are introduced, and similar interests establish a tentative bond between the two.

Months later, they are inseparable. Law's cool, casual attitude fits well with Sanji's suaveness. They are the pair that everyone aspires to be like. Men want to be them, women want them, and children worship them. Life is good.

It is the Summer of Friendship.

They are walking towards Law's house, happy, Sanji knows that much. As for the rest, he is not sure of what happens, but it is raining and they are kissing. Sanji can feel the warmth of his hands grasping the sides of his head, contrasting with the cold of the water falling from the sky. Law's hat is askew on his head and it is wonderful.

Lips are lips are lips. But Law is something else. His beard tickles, the tattoos are arousing. And Sanji learns that a tough body is sensual, the same body, exciting.

Then they are inside of the house, Sanji knows because the rain has stopped, and they are inside each other, he knows because the stars have appeared.

This is where Sanji first runs his tongue across a man's body, over a man's cock.

This is where he learns to submit, to bend and spread them wide, and to abandon principles, so that he will like it.

He does not lose his virginity that day, he gains it. The love that has been born between them is something so pure and ethereal, so beautiful that he feels cleaner than he has ever felt. There is no sex, there is love, this is what he believes. The pleasure brings heat which seems to bathe him and boil him alive in an exotic elixir.

It is two years of sublimity.

It is the Fall of Betrayal, the fall of love and the fall of a friend into the depths of treachery. Sanji is confused and humiliated, cheated of his prize. He does not know where the love has gone. They are not even having sex, not even fucking. At least that would involves mutual benefits.

Law is using him. He would like to say otherwise, but he cannot lie to himself. They never kiss anymore, Law finds it unexciting. He doesn't remember what hugging meant. Their sexual relations consist of Sanji dropping to his knees whenever Law wants and spreading himself open whenever Law is in the mood. And then, Law makes sure to leave him with semen smeared over his ass, and an erection throbbing greedily. If he wants release, then he must masturbate. Sometimes Law watches, mostly he leaves.

Sanji hates it, there are arguments, fights, anger, tears, blood, and come. But always there is love. It would have been so much easier if their wasn't. Sanji forgives perpetually, gives chances and chances until he is sick of it. And still, no matter what, he knows he has feelings for Law.

The end comes rather anti-climatically. Sanji sees Law with Kidd, a red head who also takes classes at the local university. They are not doing anything, but Sanji has loved Law for nearly three years and he knows. Everything else he has been able to take, but he cannot stand the sight of someone else.

They end up nearly killing each other, the night is spent in the county prison. And the night after that. And the night after that.

And he is still an idiot. He hopes. There are embarrassing fantasies in his head which he would play out painstakingly in his mind after the lights have been turned out.

When he gets out, it is the Winter of Dissolution. Luckily his friends are there, and even though he does not mention anything, they support him blindly.

Exactly three years after he has met Law, it is the Spring of Recovery.

Spring lasts two years.

~0~

Sanji stops talking, he has been speaking for hours. We, again floating around in our elemental form, have given him privacy to talk without reporting every detail. But Zoro is the one whom Sanji has chosen, and he hears much more than us.

There are tear tracks running down Zoro's face, cutting clean path through the grime. They have been mixed into the sandcastle, and he has cut himself somewhere along the line with a sharp shell, so the castle has claimed his blood as well. And of course, Sanji's story is in there, mixed with the grit and broken shells.

There is silence for a long time.

Finally, Zoro speaks. "Sanji."

"Hmmm."

"What is it now?"

Sanji thinks, racks his brains. But he is tired from the telling, he doesn't know. "The Summer of Revelation? Summer of Idiocy?", none of them sound right, "I don't know…don't ask me…"

"I know.", Zoro says from behind him. Sanji doesn't turn. "The Summer of Sandcastles."

And Sanji knows that he is right.

~0~

**III**

_Sandcastles without the Sand_

I met you, one day in January,

With the moon inside my nose, and as I saw that you were sincere

I lost myself in your eyes, what a stupid distraction

And what a sweet sensation

And now, as we travel the world together like Enes and Benetin

I found on you various scars that they gave you somewhere over there

But my crazy love, is the best doctor, I will heal your spirit, I will leave you like new

And it will happen, before you see the sun rise, you, more than anyone, deserves to be happy

You will soon see how they begin to heal, little by little, your wounds

-_"Dia de Enero', Shakira_

~0~

When he gets up and turns to survey the castle, Sanji's eyes are greeted with the sight of hundreds of castles, sprouting like mushrooms all over the beach. Some are ugly, some beautiful, some bizarre; but all are vulnerable.

His and Zoro's castle is one of the more uglier ones. It is a large, lump which vaguely resembles an architectural establishment. Their flag, with a skull drawn on clumsily, is stuck to a stick and crowns their castle of sand and crushed dreams.

Looking at its ugliness makes Sanji feel like weeping; for he knows that it is his story personified. Not only is the castle ugly, but it is large; and for the first time, far too late for it to be of help, Sanji realizes the depth of his problem and the gravity of his situation.

Zoro is standing next to the castle, watching him, with his hands crossed over his chest, and his eyes guarded.

Sanji turns to him, mouth opening, meaning tell, ask, _demand _that the other man destroy this grotesque creation that they have given birth to together, right this fucking minute. He wants to see it come crashing down; see it disintegrating before his very eyes. He wants to douse it with oil and touch a match to it.

Zoro must see the want in his eye, but his words are final. "Not yet."

"_Why?_" Sanji likes to think that he has dignity, but it is so hard not to beg. So hard to keep the pleading, whining note from out of his voice.

Zoro shakes his head, "I don't know…but I _know_. Trust me."

The long, musical blast of a trumpet echoes across the beach and Sanji has a bitter second in which he knows it is Judgment Day at last, and his last sight on Earth will be of that hideous castle.

But no, it is only the judges, signaling the end of the contest. Sanji doesn't care, he knows that no one sane will pick the monstrosity in front of him as a winner. He turns, and sees people across the beach rushing to put the last touches on their castles. He sees a few of his friends. Franky and Nami's sand_world_ will obviously be the winner. It towers over everyone else's and Sanji can see that Franky has set up electricity and running water inside.

There is no sign of Law.

The judges are making their way through the castles; they are slow, and will take a few more minutes to reach them.

Sanji turns to Zoro, he needs to ask one more time before he gives in. He knows what the answer will be, but he can no more help asking then the waves can help destroying the sandcastles built on the shores.

"Now?"

Zoro shakes his head. And Sanji, despairing, turns his sad eyes to the ocean. He feels that if he stares at the sandcastle too long he will run insane.

~0~

It is nighttime, the bonfire which has been raised throws its fire and light across the sand and waves. There is laughter and talk and friendship; there is beer and good food and games.

The Strawhat's are celebrating.

Franky and Nami have won, just like Sanji had foreseen. Nami is happy because she has a check tucked between her breasts, Franky is happy because he has won a contest because of his engineering ability, Luffy is happy because Nami has presented him with the prize large black pirate cloak and hat, and a certificate presenting the owner as the King of the Pirates. Brooke, Chopper, Usopp, and Robin are happy because they are all together and having fun.

They wish their other comrades are with them, but they all understand that something is happening between those two, something in which they have no right to intrude in. They are not worried, however, because they trust their friends blindly.

They only hope that they will finish and come back before the celebration has ended. Their places are waiting for them.

~0~

Sanji did not understand why Zoro had told him to wait. To wait to destroy the hated thing.

Now he understands.

He stands there, weeping silently, as it dies around him. He has not lifted his finger in any movement to eradicate it, but it is dying all the same.

The waves had waxed with the rising of the moon, they are larger and more powerful. They fight the sandcastle easily.

If he had done what he had wanted, if he had stomped the castle to death will all the rage left smoldering in his broken heart, he would have gained nothing. There would be the shattered remains of a castle and maybe a twisted ankle to reward his wrath.

But the waves are soothing, peaceful. They do not hurt the sand; they smooth it, reshape it, make it beautiful again.

Make it beautiful again.

And that is why he is weeping. They run down his face, he cannot make them stop, does not _want_ them to stop. They are long overdue.

He is finally healing.

~0~

They are sitting together, side by side, Zoro has his arm over Sanji. If it would have been the exact same position if he hadn't loved Sanji.

They are watching the shore being swept clean of all the sandcastle festivities. Their quiet murmurs drift between them.

"They're all fading away….even Franky's…", Sanji rests his head against Zoro's, he has never felt so tired or so empty. The hurt has faded with the acceptance the ocean has taught him that day. But without anger or hate, pain or bitterness or love; he realizes that there is nothing left.

"Of course…they all fade away in the end.", Zoro's voice is low and musing, spoken quietly in his ear. There have been no thank you's passed or your welcome's shared. True friends have no need of those formalities.

"Stupid…why do you think people build them so close if they're just going to disappear…?" Sanji's head is fuzzy with the warmth Zoro brings.

"They're idiots."

"Optimistic."

"Idiots."

"_Optimistic."_

Zoro relents, "Optimistic.", but he cannot help himself, and he adds, "Idiots."

Sanji tilts his head up and laughs outright, it is a good laugh-sincere and sane; and Zoro takes his chance.

Lips are lips are lips. But Sanji is something else. They kiss, and to Zoro, it is like coming home, at last.

~0~

They are building a castle again.

But there is no sand, there are no shells to decorate it; there are no waves to change it, make it not the same.

The heat between their crotches is a bonfire all its own, they are locked together in slow, rich embrace. The pace is deep and sincere; hot, like heated honey. It is both needy and generous.

It is also, oddly quiet. There is no talking, the time for talking has past. It is time to build again. There is only the sound of their exertions, the sighs that trail off in satisfaction, the cries that spiral up and light the sky, the moans which arouse.

They make it last; they prolong, they delay, they extend. Never has sex been so fulfilling, so sweet. For both of them.

Optimistic idiots.

They should have known it wouldn't last. They should have known it is impossible to go on and on, eternally locked in a pleasurable cell.

Their castle is swept away with the tide of orgasm. At least, they come together.

~0~

"Goood morning, Nami~" Sanji wakes the beauty up with his characteristic trill, holding out a plate of waffles that he had cooked, somehow, on the grill.

The strawhats have slept the night on the sand. They were too drunk to drive and, in the case of Luffy, too full to get behind the wheel.

Sanji's mating call is loud and annoying enough to wake the others, there is a loud grumbling, but the nine figures slowly get up to face the new day.

Luffy has slept with his hat and cloak that Nami was kind enough to give him, and they are all crumpled, but the strawhat wears them with a pride that is surprising.

The quick breakfast is loud, as it always it. And it seems as if things are back to normal.

~0~

Sanji is standing at the water's edge again, he wants to say a last goodbye while the others finish packing everything comfortably in the cars.

The footsteps are inaudible, but Sanji feels him when he draws near. It is Zoro. Who else?

"They ready yet?" Sanji doesn't even turn.

"In a few minutes."

Silence.

"You want to go out with me?" Sanji asks suddenly.

Zoro grins. He has been waiting for something, and it has finally come.

"Why the hell not?"

Silence.

"Summer of Sandcastles, eh?", Sanji muses.

"Summer of sex?", Zoro suggests, sounding hopeful.

"Summer of Sex and Sandcastles?", Sanji counters.

"Too long. Summer of Sexy Sandcastles?"

Sanji snorts, "Too stupid."

"Then what?", Zoro is beginning to sound exasperated.

Sanji thinks, smiles, says, "Maybe it doesn't have a name."

Their friends are calling them now, it is time to leave.

As they walk back, Sanji reaches for Zoro's hand, Zoro must have had the exact same idea, for their hands meet, and link in the middle.

~0~

**IV**

_Zephyr _

Fly away on my zephyr, I feel it more than ever

And in this perfect weather, we'll find a place together

"_The Zephyr Song", Red Hot Chili Peppers_

~0~

"Hey~ you guys, your guys, you guys…~ Look at this~" Luffy holds up a colorful flyer that has just come in the mail.

"What Luffy? What is it?" Chopper looks up with sparkly eyes.

They are all sitting huddled together in Luffy's living room. Luffy doesn't feel the cold, though he _is_ oddly sensitive to the heat, and so his friends are cozily wrapped up in sweaters and jackets, guarded against the rather chilly night outside. Robin and Nami are snuggled together, refusing to let anyone else in except Usopp in, much to Sanji's chagrin.

But he can't really complain. Zoro has him tucked into his side, underneath a large and heavy quilt, like some weird puzzle piece. It is both annoying and domestically pleasant.

Luffy holds the brochure up with a wide grin, presenting it with a charming salesman smile to the others, "Check it out!"

Franky, wearing barely anything either, cranes his head to read the small print, "What? It's a flyer for a winter cabin up in the mountains."

Usopp calling from where he is nicely tucked between the girls, complains, "I'm not going to any mountains, Luffy. There's all sorts of weird bears and carnivorous rabbits up there."

"There is no such thing as carnivorous rabbits Usopp", Sanji snorts, "But I hear the women up in the snow countries have absolutely beautiful skin…I wouldn't mind getting laid." And immediately feels Zoro shift his hand and give his crotch a warning squeeze. It both hurts, and feels absolutely fine.

"I wouldn't mind going winter swimming up there, build stamina.", this is Zoro's input, calm, as if he just hadn't groped Sanji underneath the quilt.

"No, no, _no!_", Luffy snaps, looking annoyed, "Look at _this_.". He isn't pointing to the offer to come spend a beautiful winter on Drum Mountain, but at a tiny line at the bottom, which looks like it had been added as an afterthought, if anything.

Usopp has the best eyes, and squinting, he reads aloud to the group, "Don't forget…to join in…our annual….Snow Sculpture Competition."

"Is there a prize?", Nami immediately asks. One can almost hear the cash register chime coming from around her. No one so far has had the guts to ask her what she has done with the one thousand from the Sandcastle Competition last summer, though all have noticed the new clothes, purses, and shoes, which have suddenly appeared.

Franky snatches the paper from Luffy and looks it over, "It doesn't say."

"There probably is…or it wouldn't be a competition.", Nami muses, "What do you think Robin?"

"I agree with you. There must be some sort of reward.", Robin answers, her tone is serious, but her eyes chuckle.

Zoro prods the body next to him, "What do you think Sanji. You up for another competition?"

Now it is Sanji's hand which wanders and grips where it shouldn't, he leans his head in to whisper in Zoro's ear, having the gentlemanly manners to not let his next words drift around the room.

He licks the lobe softly, "As long as we don't fuck in the snow…I don't know 'bout you, but I prefer the term 'blue balls' to be purely _metaphorical._"

Zoro bursts out laughing, and Sanji joins him after a second.

Usopp favors the pair with an _I'm surrounded by idiots _glance, still not happy with walking in on the two going down _on his bed_ yesterday, "I don't even _want _to know what they said…"

"So are we going or not?" , Luffy demands, shaking the paper excitedly in his clenched fist.

Nine voices ring out in agreement.

~0~

_Fin _


	11. The Day and the Time

**Pairing: **Sanji x Zoro, NC-17, IU

_**The Day and the Time**_

**I**

_The Ludicrous Accident_

I'm an unusual case, that they should investigate

I don't know what they gave me or what they did to me

But now I'm no longer normal

Is this an illusion, or maybe a joke?

This isn't my house, this isn't my wife, I'm not even me!

-_"Loca", Aleks Syntek_

~0~

It sat there on the table. Proud and arrogant. As if it ruled the world; as if it commanded the New World with all the strength and pride in its plastic body. As if was King of the Sippy Cups in some fucked up world of an even more fucked up universe, in which such a title was not just possible, but admirable.

The evil and utter malice which seeped out of its curving figure was so tangible, Zoro could feel it; and the fine hairs all over his body shot up in a meager attempt at self-protection. The hackles were sharp and fierce, little lances of fright, and he rubbed a hand at them distractedly, willing them to go down, willing himself to have some courage, damn it all.

Useless.

Useless to put up a fight. His fate had been dictated by whatever madness ruled the universe, his doom had been sealed. That sippy cup, which stood so haughtily there on the table, had just entered into a lifelong relationship with him. A relationship which would culminate in unshed tears, and maybe, with spilled blood.

The clear malevolence which resonated from every single square inch of that horrible bright-colored figure was slowly breaking down all the iron defenses he had ever had the opportunity to build. Zoro could feel his control inexorably slipping, the muscles in his hands and the delicate tendons in his fingers jumped and twitched with the hope of wrapping around the slim cylinder of lunacy and suffocating it slowly in a firm grip which would terminate in its untimely death by asphyxiation.

He could feel the mutuality of the sentiment between the Sippy Cup and himself; could feel, also, the cup's contempt for him, it's cold, bourgeoisie condescending attitude. It seemed as if the two of them had reached an agreement. Perhaps, the only thing they would ever agree on in their bitter association.

They did not like each other.

~0~

_Yesterday…._

It had been a good day. Just one of those lazy days in which all he did was train, eat, and fuck Sanji. In no particular order. And maybe all at the same time. It depended on whatever the cook was wearing that day, and if he was feeling playful or dirty. But in a weird, twisted, _dirty _way, Zoro guessed that whenever sex and the cook were involved, there would always be the acts of _training _and _eating_ involved.

Whatever. That wasn't the point.

The point was that it had been a great, clear, sunny day. The kind of day in which he really could believe that One Piece existed and that Luffy was going to seize it and take up the mantle of King of the Pirates while he was at it. The kind of day he would practice saying, under his breath, 'You were great Mihawk, and I learned much…but today I take your title of the _greatest swordsman in the world."_ And then swooshing his swords in a very cool manner.

The kind of day in which he wondered about his wedding, and if they should just both wear suits and if Luffy would clean up enough to be his best man.

The point was, that it had been an excellent day until everything had happened and the crew had lost their collective minds. Before the Sunny Go had suddenly turned into a den of lunatics with him being the only sane one left aboard.

Zoro had been training, just like always did around this time of day, _sans _Sanji. He was lying out on the grassy deck, his shirt discarded to the side, the noon sun glistening in the sweat beads on his skin, the muscles in his arm and neck standing out in bas relief as he lifted the twenty-five ton weight up and down, up and down.

His eyes are squeezed shut in exertion, small grunts or air escape him every time he manages to push the weight against gravity's force. This one is one of his heavier weights, it's solid iron.

In his mind, he had just pulled off a lethal, but cool looking move which involved the complex interconnecting slashes of all three of his swords and had just brought Mihawk down, had also shattered the black blade, to the stun and awe of the spectators.

_He can hear the roar of the crowd and see the bright pops of light which can only mean that his picture will circulate through the world the next day; Mihawk is looking stunned at the shards of his once great sword. He is standing above Mihawk, looking both magnificent and terrible, both godly and generous-_

"Hey Usopp! Look at this!". The triumphant voice of his idiot-captain breaks through his concentration-fantasy. Zoro's forehead wrinkles in annoyance, but he plods on with his training.

"_Woah!_ That's insane Luffy! Do it again!", Now it's the sharpshooter's voice, sharp and slightly high-pitched, grating on his senses.

"I use Gear Third to do it-", Luffy's voice is both smug and absurdly proud.

"Luffy, I'm not sure if you should do that! It might be unhealthy to-" The doctor's voice breaks in, the seriousness and worry in his voice fighting with the laughter.

"I'll be fine Chopper! Watch me do it again!", then there is a strange noise, much like the noise which happens when a balloon is being blown up, followed by the exclamations and applause from Usopp and the doctor.

Zoro gives up and opens his eyes, his hands and forearms quivering as they hold the immense weight up in the air; and he slightly lifts his head from off the grass to survey the commotion.

He has a second to see, in complete clarity, Luffy's dick blown up to fantastic proportions, it's head sailing off into the clouds, and Usopp and Chopper dressed in nothing but their birthday suits; before his eyes bug out and his mouth drops open and he forgets he's holding something up, and the twenty-five pound weight drops down on him, the pain exploding in bright red flowers throughout his body.

"ARRGH-Motherfucker-Usopp's nose-shit-"

"Agh! Zoro, are you okay?", Usopp's shrill screams joins the chorus.

"Zoro! What happened?", Luffy now, and Zoro can hear his squeaky little voice, and he knows his captain has turned _chibi_, his small form after using his third gear. At least that means that his genitalia is back to normal. Oh, joy.

Then, a door banging open somewhere, and Nami's voice, demanding, "Luffy! Usopp! What's wrong!"

"Doctor! We need a doctor!", Chopper's squeaky hooves running around like a lunatic, doing nothing.

"Marimo! What the hell are you up to now? I told you to keep an eye on them!"

"You're the doctor, idiot!", Usopp.

"Oh, right!" Chopper's breathless realization follows the reminder as surely as day follows night.

The pain's too much, the idiocy's too much. Zoro decides it's a good time to pass out.

~0~

He wakes up in the infirmary, and the first thing he notices is that there's a large thrumming, _throbbing_ pain in his stomach and lower chest. He takes a look, and sees that a large white bandage has been wrapped around him as he slept. Zoro has a brief recollection of the ridiculous series of events which led him to this pass, and he grimaces as struggles out of bed, the goosebumps breaking out on his back as his warm, bare feet hit the cold wood planks.

The high-pitched scream of an alarm suddenly rings out and Zoro looks up stupidly, trying to figure what the hell he did wrong this time.

The squeak-squeak of angry hooves tell him that he'll soon find out though. The infirmary door flies open with a bang, and Zoro finds himself under the triumphant gaze of the ship's doctor.

"A-ha! I knew you were going to try and get up!", Chopper glares at him, one hoof on the door handle, the other pointing at him like a small gun, the sharp edges look very sharp indeed as the lights reflect off the slick edges. "Good thing I had Franky install that motion sensor device." He reaches up near his desk and hits a button, effectively silencing the alarm.

"Why shouldn't I get up?", Zoro grumbles back, standing up and looking around for a shirt, "I just dropped one of my weights on me. It's nothing to get me in bed all day for." He makes to brush past Chopper, but there is a whoosh of sound as the reindeer transforms into his human form, successively blocking the doorway.

"You're not leaving until you're okay, and even then, you're _not training_, until you're absolutely _healed_.", Chopper growls dangerously, his eyes glinting with a hint of madness, "Right now, your intestines are pretty smashed up and walking around will only irritate them. Plus, the wounds in your scar opened up a little and you bled a lot, so you need to lie still so they have a chance to stitch up again."

"I'm telling you, _I'm fine_.", Zoro repeats, feeling more and more annoyed by the second. He has had swords slashing him in two like a fish, he has stabbed himself in his own wounds, he has had all kinds of idiots kicking and headbutting his scars, he has had whirling gizmos slicing into his chest and entire buildings dropped on him, and he has gotten right back up to fight, damn it.

"No buts! You are not fine!", Chopper seizes him, and half carries him back to the bed, "You need quiet and rest."

"Oi, Chopper, what the hell-"

"You need to stay here and rest! Doctor's orders! And if you try to get up and walk around, then I'll know_ immediately_, so don't try it!" With this final ultimatum, the ship doctor shuts the door firmly in the face of his protests. The thump of his man feet recedes down the hall.

Zoro waits a minute, then gets out again, feet hitting the floor in determination, even as the alarm begins its strident call.

The door opens again before he even manages to get in one foot distance from it. Except this time, it's not Chopper, its Luffy.

"Nehh, Zoro…You're not supposed to be getting up. Doctain's orders." He reaches up and picks his nose with a happy solicitude. At least the monkey had put some clothes on, he was sporting a pair of shorts which would have looked happier in Franky's closet.

Zoro looks at him, a tic in his eye starting to warm up, "Doctain's orders? What the hell is that?" This was getting old, and fast. The idea that everyone was out to get him is childish, immature, but highly convincing. But he just _fucking dropped some weights on him! _Nothing big!

"Doctor and Captain. Doctain.", Luffy favored him with a 'we all know you're stupid, but we try to overlook that because we love you'.

"Hmph. Whatever. Lemme out of here. I just dropped a weight on me, because _you_ were blowing your dick to _mythical proportions_."

"Oh you saw that?", Luffy gives him a sheepish grin, "Me and Usopp were going swimming and I had this great idea of using Gear Third-"

Zoro interrupts him, not wanting to relive it, "Yeah, I noticed. Lemme out."

"No can do, first mate of mine. Doctain's orders. _And_ you should be back in bed." And with that, Zoro finds himself pushed back into the room and into the soft comfy bed of the infirmary.

"Oi-Luffy, _I'm not injured_.", Zoro grunts, exasperated to no end; true, his stomach hurts like a bitch, but that's no reason to tie him down all day, especially on a day like this, where the weather's fine and the sun is shining and the cook's looking especially hot in tight jeans and a thin tank top.

"Nope. You need to rest. Don't make me call Sanji to keep you in here." Luffy announces as he backs out the door, "I have to go now, me and Usopp are fishing, and I don't want him to catch the biggest fish while I'm gone."

"Luffy, Usopp couldn't pull out anything bigger than a goldfish-"

But his idiot of a captain is gone. Zoro's left staring bemusedly at the closed door.

Well, it seems like he's not allowed to get out of bed. Doctain's orders.

Whatever. Fuck it. He'll humor the retards.

What the fuck. Nothing else to do then. Zoro stretches out on the bed in surrender. Maybe by tomorrow, Chopper would have gotten laid and not be such a tight-ass. He might as well take a quick nap, now, since he was stuck here.

The bed was pretty soft and comfy, just the thing for an afternoon nap. If Sanji came down here, then maybe they'd be able to have some fun. _All_ the day couldn't have gone to waste. He drifts off, dreaming of Sanji's sweet tightness and his honeyed lips.

After a few seconds, his steady breathing, interlaced with manly snores, fill the small room.

~0~

"Everybody! I have an announcement to make! Listen to me!", Chopper climbs up on the table, his small hooves squeaking all the way, while the Strawhats ate dinner raucously, one of their number is missing, but it is no less noisy.

Franky immediately whistles,, "OW! Reindeer table dance! Get the pole, strawhat!"

Sanji is immediately on the alert, "Chopper, get off the damn table! Your hooves have been God knows where, and we eat on that thing!" The cook decides it's a good time to forget that he has come all over that same table. And that he has had to clean up all his semen afterward with a small towel; most of it usually around where Brooke is sitting right now.

One time, he licked it up to impress Zoro, and to turn the swordsman on. Needless to say, it had worked like a charm.

Whatever. That wasn't the point. The point was the Chopper's hooves were dirty things.

"Everybody! Listen up! I have to talk to you, because I need you guys to help me!", Chopper waves his arms around, his eyes wide and innocent. Sanji sighs and sits back, he'll let Chopper stand on the table just this once. The table's already far past redemption.

"Wha ish shit Chopper?", Luffy asks through an obscene mouthful of Octopus Rolls with Creamy Avocado Sauce, his eyes inquisitive as only Luffy's can be.

"Help for what Doctor-san?", Robin asks, putting a neat bookmark in her book and looking up politely.

"You know my fee for help Chopper.", Nami declares, putting her two cents in.

"Yo-ho-ho-ho! I'll try my very best Chopper-san!"

"Thank you everybody! I'm really going to need your help for this!", Chopper's eyes get a little tearful with the gratitude, "But Zoro's injured pretty bad, and he doesn't think he is, and he wants to get up and walk around and train like nothing's happened! I need you guys to help me to get him to stay in bed for a while so that he properly heals!"

"Ow! I think that this more Cook-bro's area!", Franky crows, posing.

"Hey! I _fuck_ the marimo, I don't _babysit_ him!", Sanji snaps, pointing a cigarette dangerously in Franky's direction.

"I agree with Franky!", Usopp pipes in, "If we put Sanji in the bed with Zoro, Zoro wouldn't _want _to leave! And that way, we wouldn't get involved when Zoro gets angry!"

"Consider your food poisoned for tomorrow, long-nose. You too, _pants_! I don't give a shit whether that idiot pops a nut 'coz he's too stupid to lay down for a while and take it easy!"

"I don't like that idea either!", Luffy yells, slamming his fork down, "This sounds like fun, and I don't want Sanji to be hogging it all!"

"We need a plan to get Zoro to follow my doctor orders for his own good!", Chopper declared, waving his hoof around, "It doesn't matter how, but we have to!"

"I don't see the point.", Nami said, her voice bored, "He's absolutely fine whenever he gets beat up, what's so bad about his dropping his weight on his cavemen self?"

"Exactly, Nami!", Chopper looked indignantly at their navigator, "Zoro _never_ has a time to rest from his injuries because he doesn't have the time, so I think that it should be important for him to have that time, when he can take it!"

"I'm not hearing a number. Give me a number.", Nami sing-songed, closing her eyes tightly in mischief.

Chopper frowned, struggling between efficiency and morality, finally, "Two thousand belli."

"Two thousand _fifty."_

"Fine!"

"Nami, you're evil you know? Chopper's trying to help Zoro!", Usopp said, looking down his nose in disapproval at the orange-haired woman.

"Money talks, bullshit walks.", Nami giggled, and wiggled her fingers in Usopp's direction, "So, how are you planning to do this Chopper? You can count me in! It'll be fun to mess with Zoro anyway."

"Okay. Zoro needs to stay in bed for two more days, and then three more days where he can walk around, with no strenuous activity, and then five more days of no training.", Chopper recited.

"Let's split up the tasks!", Luffy exclaimed, clapping his hands in the air. "I'll make sure he stays in bed for the next two days!"

Chopper smiles in relief, "Okay, you and Usopp can do that."

"When was I signed up for this? I have this disease, Chopper, the 'I can't force strong crewmembers to stay in bed' disease'. I can feel me fever going up already~", Usopp pressed a palm to his forehead and groaned loudly.

"Oh! Should we force Usopp to stay in bed with Zoro?", Luffy said, excitedly, his rubbed hand sneaking over to grab Usopp's collar. "They're both sick!"

"No! I'm fine now, actually!", Usopp exclaimed, laughing, and trying to pry Luffy's finger's off his overalls. "False alarm actually!" Not quite sane laughter from the sharpshooter followed.

"All right! And Nami, you and Robin will stop him from training the first three days when he gets up.", Chopper said, pointing at the two women.

"Aye-Aye Captain!", Nami chirped, and Robin chuckled, and opened her book again.

"The next five days, Brooke and Franky?", the doctor turned hopeful doe eyes on the pair of miscreants.

"Yo-ho-ho-ho! I'll put all my heart into the effort!" Brooke yodeled obnoxiously, his skeleton fingers went up and tweaked his top hat. "Though I don't have-"

"OW! Leave it to me, bro! Swordsman will not lift a weight until the doctor says so!", Franky stroked his hair and then smashed his forearms together to make a star.

"What about Sanji?", Luffy demanded, turning expectant eyes on the figure of the moody cook. "He has to participate too, for this to be a _team effort_."

"I said, before, and I say _now_, that I will not, I repeat, _will not_, be helping that idiot marimo with his tummy ache! I mean, just leave it to that idiot to cause the lovely ladies to work!", Sanji huffed, gnawing at his cigarette. "If you ask me, this whole, 'let's keep Zoro safe' is being blown out of fucking proportion!"

"Sanji~ You know how much we should take care of Zoro…we're _nakama."_, Nami turns on the cook, crossing her arms just beneath her considerable chest and pushing not-so-subtly up. "What do you say, Sanji-kun, help a lady out?"

He'll have to clean up the drool which is dripping from his mouth, Zoro's all right, but Nami's a _goddess._ "I see what you mean Na-chan~ I'll take care of that stupid marimo!"

"But we already split up chores!", Usopp complained, "It's not fair if Sanji doesn't get to anything, if that's his _lover_ who's the person in the middle of this!"

"Sanji will be making sure Zoro eats properly.", Chopper piped in, looking at Sanji. "It's actually going to be pretty challenging."

Sanji scoffed, "What? He's just going to be eating _food_. How is that difficult? Why would he refuse to _eat_?"

Chopper smiled, a trifle deviously, "Well…it's not so much _what_… he'll have to eat juices and soft foods only for a week or so-"

"Which is easy for me to make, _and_ still have it taste phenomenal.", Sanji cut in.

"But he has to eat it in a particular way. It has to sort of medicinal-" The crew looked expectantly at the doctor.

The cook was turning an interesting shade of red, "OI. Just because we fuck, doesn't mean I am _going to _stick food up his-"

"No!", Chopper squeaked, looking slightly embarrassed, "I'll be taking care of his medicine!" Sanji promptly bit his cigarette in half. "But I meant, his food and fluids have to be taken in gradually, not just all at once, that'll hurt his stomach."

"Then what? IV drip him.", Sanji snapped.

"It's not worth all that. IV drip is only for those who can't swallow.", Chopper explained, "Luckily, I came up with a more easy method, that, though rather archaic, is effective!" The little doctor grinned happily with himself.

"Spit it out.", the cook said, unimpressed.

"Well, just administer his food through a infant's bottle. That way, the fluid goes slower.", Chopper announced. Nami immediately started to giggle.

"Infant's bottle.", Sanji repeated, feeling lost. He knew what that was of course, but he just couldn't seem to picture one in his mind.

"Sippy cup?", Usopp demanded, and then, receiving Chopper's nod, burst out laughing. "Sippy cup! Zoro drinking out of a sippy cup!" Robin snickered behind her hand, her blue eyes dancing in mirth.

Now it clicked. And Sanji's face lit up in cunning guile, "Ah, I can do this actually. I can do this. Zoro will be drinking out of a sippy cup twenty four/ seven. Leave it to Sanji, Chopper."

"Thank you Sanji~", Chopper claps his hooves together and wiggles his furry body in happiness, "Now, everybody has everything covered, and we can get Zoro to rest and actually heal for a while."

"Ehhh…I guess it wouldn't hurt the marimo to sit down for a second.", Sanji admitted, running a hand through his blond hair in surrender. "Dumb guy is always working too hard."

"Yeah.", Usopp muttered, "Zoro does everything hard.", then looking up nervously at Sanji, "Not that way…! I wouldn't know anything about _that_." Sanji just waved a disdainful hand at the sharpshooter.

"I just want my money.", Nami interrupted, "Let's not get all sentimental and shit here, guys." There is a general burst of laughter at the navigator's words, and the Strawhat's scrape back their chairs back as they finished their dinner and their plans. The guys and girls high-fived, and Luffy and Usopp bumped chests and grunted man-like.

"All right peoples! I'm glad we sorted everything out!", Chopper yelled, over the hub-bub, "Together, we can do this!" He hopped off the table, to Sanji's infinite relief.

"Hey, Chopper! ", he suddenly called, as an idea struck him, "Does Zoro need to eat right now? I mean, should make him his soft food slush thingy right now?"

"That would be great Sanji! I'll bring you the cup since I have it in the infirmary.", Chopper called out, "I'm going to go check on him right now, just bring it in when you're ready."

"Yessir!", Sanji chirps dutifully, and snaps out a sharp salute. This _was_ going to be fun actually. He can almost see Zoro's look of offended outrage as Sanji presented him with his own personal sippy cup. He'd hold Zoro's head and force the cup in his mouth, if that was what it took. The guy needed to heal after all.

"Me and Usopp will keep watch just outside his door!", Luffy called out, heading to the dining room door with the long nose.

"I have a disease, Luffy, the 'I can't sit outside my sick cremates' door-"

~0~

**II**

_Applesauce_

**Dedicated to the Ever Beautiful and Fascinating**

**Vivacious Ringo**

**For her birthday~ September 26, 2010~**

**May you live to enjoy a thousand more!**

~0~

"There's no fucking _way_ I'm going to drink out of that _thing_.", Zoro said, through gritted teeth. His cheeks were a dusky red, hot to the touch, adorable to the amused eye. He said _thing_ like the object was currently covered in slime, reeking of freshly laid shit, and looking like the shriveled balls of some atrociously grotesque species, now extinct.

"It's Chopper's orders. And Luffy's too.", Sanji said, attempting to keep the sadistic delight from out of his voice, but failing miserably. "They only want the best for you _Marimo-kun_." Evil. Pure evil. That was all that could be said about the Strawhat crew's cook.

"Why do I not believe you?", Zoro asked suspiciously, his eyes narrowing as he took in the leaning figure of the blond, one casual arm hooked over the table and encircling the sippy cup. A perfect model which jarred horrendously with his product. All his marimo senses were tingling like mad. The Marimo Senses were a set of special instincts which could tell when the cook was up to something less than savory. And right now they were tingling like mad.

"Because you're obscenely paranoid? Because you're defiantly not a trusting creature at heart? Because you're an idiot with a bad case of self esteem? Because-" , Sanji immediately reels off, looking like he can go on and on; expand and analyze, provide references and personal statements.

"You're not helping your case any.", Zoro broke in, shooting a glare at the cook which could have killed puppies in their mother's belly, "If you want me to drink out of that _stupid _thing, you'll have to beg." A brilliant idea suddenly hit him, and the smirk which played at the corners of his lips was poisoned honey.

He paused, letting the silence linger, letting the cook imagine all sort of nasty things he could force him to do. Zoro pretended to think deeply about it before he provided the alternative option.

"Or suck cock."

A pause in which you could hear the sound of one hand clapping, if you really listened for it.

"Whichever you prefer." Zoro even managed to sound magnanimous. Like he was giving Sanji a beautiful and much sought after gift.

He can't help smiling, lifting his eyebrows up and looking down his nose at the cook, the cockiness smeared all over his face like come when Sanji's feeling dominant.

But there's a reason why the cook shares his bed, as well as his crew. There's nothing _close_ to fragility in Blackleg Sanji. There's nothing even _resembling_ delicacy. The softest thing about him is the fabric of his suit jacket, and even that is rough if he rubs against the grain.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?", Sanji asks, there's no reason to be quiet, but the cook's whispering. Dragging out his words like he liked to drag out the climax in their close encounters of the third kind. The sex has begun between them, though they're feet apart and fully clothed. But then, everything about them is otherworldly. It's to be expected.

Suddenly, to Zoro, there's not enough air in the room. They're not close to an island, and the next one on their path, Nami has declared a Spring Island, but suddenly he's back in Arabasta. The heat is suffocatingly intense. There's an inferno in here, and he's melting into something barely resembling himself. The heat has become a tangible entity. Like Sanji, when they haven't fucked in a while. He can almost taste the come in his perspiration.

"You'd like for me to be sucking while you're sucking, wouldn't you Zoro? You just want me to treat your dick like the world's dirtiest sippy cup, and sip all that delicious come from out of you, and just drink it all." Dirty. So dirty. Disgustingly loathsome. Fucking _filthy._ And he likes it. He _likes it._

He swears that Sanji can make him climax with nothing but words. It's one of the cook's many talents. Man, he hadn't been gold digging when he had first started this thing with the cook, but it always surprised him at how great a catch Sanji had turned out to be. A good investment. He cooked, he cleaned, he talked dirty, and his ass was tighter then the space between his teeth.

"Hmmm-mmmh.", Zoro hums, letting the words drift through his senses, letting the dirtiest, ugliest, side of his id conjure up pictures which would never be printed in the dirtiest sex book. "Come here, Sanji. The bed's a _hell_ of a lot more comfortable then it looks." He's already working his pants down, cock lengthening, hands quivering, in anticipation of a sweaty, needy, grinding mouth up, down, and all around his dick. His mind's pure lava.

Sanji's rolling up his sleeves, a sign which Zoro takes to mean that he means business, he watches as the cook snakes out a hand and grabs the plastic sippy cup, and slinks over to his side, lanky body moving like the ocean they're in. Serpentine.

"As you wish…But the deal is…", Sanji pauses over him, the hand not holding the plastic monster, slipping over Zoro's bared thigh and entangling itself playfully in his coarse thatch of hair, "That _you_ suck while I suck. Are we in agreement?"

"Yeah, whatever. Just wrap your fucking lips around me Sanji. I've been stuck in this damn bed for a day, with nothing except Chopper's stethoscopes to keep me company. I need _some_ release.", Zoro reaches up for the Sippy Cup. He doesn't relish placing his lips on the _thing_, feels the urgent recoiling in his stomach as the mere thought of the Sippy Cup approaching his mouth, but there are some things in this world too beautiful to miss. One of them is nakama. Another is Sanji's oral capabilities with male genitalia.

But Sanji dances the Sippy cup just out of his reach, his smile everything that Zoro wanted, "Why don't you just drink it first? That way I can hear you cry my name as I cocktease you." He could not have said it more languidly, more arousing.

"Whatever. Give it here then.", Zoro reaches up again, hand open for the plastic bottle, "Hurry up, my dick is killing me-" It is, its singing Sanji's praises as they speak.

"Uh-uh.", Sanji says, shaking his head from side to side, smirking "Let _mama _help." Blood rushes to where its rapidly collecting.

The jingle of his belt as it slides down his thighs is like the opening bars to their musical rendition of sex. The thump of his black shoes hitting the wood plank floors are like the beats of a congo drum, and the rustling of his clothes are the quiet, insidious tambourines.

All that's missing to make this a masterpiece are the vocals.

Zoro watches in approval and a cloud of blood-filled arousal, as Sanji clambers onto the bed. Wearing nothing but his shirt and tie. And even his long-sleeved shirt is unbuttoned all the way, leaving nothing to the imagination, leaving everything to his fantasies.

Zoro lets out a small grunt as Sanji shoves himself forward, his knees parting magically, to allow his crotch to mold with Zoro's.

Pants. Sighs.

Sanji reaches around with his hand to grip the short hairs of his head, and Zoro gives a small gasp as the cook jerks his head back _hard_, stretching his neck muscles, and putting pressure on his Adam's apple.

He tries not to flat out moan like he can't hold back, when he feels Sanji's dick pressing into his own, and then dragging slowly up as the cook looms over him, rising up on his knees and letting all the heat of his skin slide across his own clothes.

Zoro pants, his eyes looking up into Sanji's own secretive ones, and slides his fingers inside the crack of Sanji's ass, prying greedily.

Sanji's pants turn hoarse and shuddery as Zoro fits his first finger in the opened bud, the muscles in his ass quiver and jump, as Zoro adds a second, simultaneously grasping the erect head of his penis, which had been silently aching for attention all this while. Sanji gives little gasps and jerks as Zoro traces a finger down his length, the tips of his nails ghosting gently over the darker recesses of his groin.

Zoro parts his lips softly, ready to mesh his lips with the cooks, he can almost taste the cook's mouth, the only pair of lips where heat is a flavor and he can feel the texture of the cigarette smoke. The only mouth where he's had sex in.

That approaching warmness, Zoro closes his eyes, relishing the sensations of sweet expectancy, puckering his lips slightly, getting ready, and his fingers, the one's in the heat that is Sanji, curl slightly, forcing a sharp hiss from the cook. And he pulls slightly hard on Sanji's cock, knowing that the cook likes that form of love-abuse.

The ghost of a breath across his lips before –

Cold, hard, plastic.

"Oi-whash da heoll?", Zoro's demands, or at least _tries _to demand, it's kind of hard when one's mouth is filled with Sippy cup. The flat, comfortable hilt of a sword he can handle, a round, circular infant's feeding apparatus, he cannot.

Of course. Sanji's looking down at him as if though he's the biggest idiot on Earth. And maybe he is. He should have known better than to trust a naked Sanji who _willingly_ climbed onto his lap. But if the cook thought that he was going to drink from the stupid thing with absolutely no reward for his efforts, the guy had another thing coming.

"Nee'vr teash a guy hoo hash your dicksh in hish hand and fingerhsh in your ash." Zoro curls his fingers roughly and can almost feel Sanji's cock stiffen even more, if that was even biologically possible. The dick gets a warning squeeze, just in case Sanji doesn't understand the danger he's in.

"I'm_ not_ teasing you.", Sanji's smirking openly, he doesn't look very threatened by the hand around his erection, "I'm just_ feeding_ you. Just like a _mother_." Davy Jones himself would have been proud of Sanji's innocently masked evil.

"Thash disgushting, cooksh-", Zoro manages, before Sanji presses the drinking bit deeper into his mouth, "Ugh!" He lets go of Sanji, pulling out his fingers, more out of surprise than anything. The sudden loss of heat is disconcerting, and he fights the urge to creep his fingers back in, just like searching for the warm spot in the bed.

"Come on, _suck _it swordsman. _Suck _it _deep_.",

Maybe it's the fact that the sippy cup is going to choke him like a short, fat, plastic dick; maybe it's the fact that Sanji's voice has bypassed the land of just pure sexy and has sailed into the land of godliness.

Maybe he's just a whore inside, and Sanji knows it and loves to treat him like he wants to be treated.

Whatever. That's not the point.

"Pretend you're sucking me off…", Sanji whispers right in his ear, "It's my dick in your mouth right now." The first drips of whatever Sanji and Chopper have devilishly concocted together has its first acquaintance with his tongue. Nutty, almond flavor. Like smoked mushrooms. A seductive applesauce.

Zoro decides that his dignity can take a short vacation for now. The way Sanji's words cause every hair on his body to stand erect, and every blood cell in his veins to swell and gorge; is a sensation he does _not_ want to miss. Not for anything in this dear world.

And someone slap him if he isn't fantasizing that he is on his knees right now, and just listening to those harsh, steady gasps and blasts for sweet air that seem to be burning the cook's lungs, and just enjoying the fact that he feels so great when's he's covered in dirt like this. Just someone fuck him if his tongue is digging in the significantly wider slit and imagining, imagining.

Sanji's breathing is had and labored, not erratic, like's he's approaching the edge, but deep, like he's so aroused it's _hurting _him. Right in his ear, too. He can almost hear his own sucking, like a baby at the mother's tit. Except he didn't think he possessed a one millionth of the innocence of a new born. One _billionth._

Not the point. _Not the point._

It's without a doubt the wrong time to think about how fucking amazing Sanji is in the kitchen, how everything his talented hand touch, be it moldering leftovers or his dick, turn to instant gold. He's drinking it all down, that nutty, smoky flavor of a queer mixture of hazelnuts, mushrooms, smoked apples, and good wheat bread. The furthest flavor from come that he can get, but what's going down his throat, is undeniably Sanji's semen.

He half comes. So does Sanji. It's what they jokingly call it when they come, with minimal touching. Release that is not release, that is half-release. They don't head into euphoria, but just skirt around the edges, it's tantalizingly close, but that's the charm of it.

But it's not what he wants right now. It's not what he _wanted._

He doesn't even realize that the sippy cup has stopped its insistent digging into the warmth of his mouth, and he's left feeling absurdly empty. It makes him want more.

Zoro wants Sanji's tongue, talented from tasting so many different concoctions in the kitchen, experienced in all the possible flavors in the world, knowledgeable in every single nuance and manifestation of all things culinary; he wants that tongue degrading itself, licking up something which shouldn't even have made its acquaintance.

Sanji just shakes his head when Zoro tells him, the beads of sweat on his forehead are merging together and trickling slowly down his cheeks. It seems that everything has got their come on it.

"Get off me then.", Zoro mutters, annoyed, he's too tired and burnt out to be full-out royally pissed at the cook on his lap, but he soon will. He soon will.

Sanji, it seems, doesn't have the energy to complain either, and he slides off the bed in a little boneless heap.

Zoro really can't think. It's all very fuzzy. He has this deep grained instinct inside that is telling him that he should be. He damn well should be. He should be fucking _furious_ with the betraying, conniving cook. Well, not really furious, not even mad exactly. But he has to act like it. He just can't let the cook go like that, thinking that he had pulled one over Zoro Roronoa. That's just plain _wrong_.

Sanji's actually crawling to the door on his hands and knees, looking dazed, even though they hadn't had full hard-on, muscle-wrenching, sweat-dripping, hair-raising, earth-quaking, heart-pounding, devastating, vicious, _other world _sex, like they always did.

His pants have found their way back on the cook's long legs somehow; the black fabric is barely clinging halfway to his long thighs, and lacking his traditional blue-collared shirt, the cook's bare ass is showing, as naked as the day he was born. It's both tantalizing and absurdly annoying. Zoro just wants to shout, _'Hey, Cook, over that up!' _even as his eyes are crawling all over every single fucking square inch.

As if his hands haven't done that already. Whatever.

After he sees the last bare twinkle of Sanji's ass saying goodbye, Zoro slumpsback in the bed, and then feeling a hard lump amongst the coverlets, seeks t it out, and proceeds to throw the sippy cup at the door, as hard as he can.

Damn thing. He knew things were never going to work out between him and it.

~0~

"-and then I killed it with just _one blink of my eye_. Oh, Luffy, I think it's our turn to-_Holy shit-"_, Usopp's voice nearly three thousand octaves as his fear meter rocketed into the stratosphere.

"What is it, Usopp-_Oh_.", Luffy gave a truly delighted laugh.

It seemed impossible that Usopp could open his eyes any further watch their half-naked cook crawl out of the infirmary with his head down, and his blond bangs obscuring his face. They both watched from where they were leaning on the banisters as the cook crawled off to his kitchen.

Time froze for a few minutes for the sharpshooter as his head creaked like the door of a haunted house as he turned to look at the door of the infirmary. Half expecting to see Zoro, naked and bloody, probably still hard, with a jagged, stainless steel dildo in one hand, and a clump of Sanji's blonde hair in the other.

Slowly beckoning to the long-nosed sharpshooter with a crooked finger.

Usopp actually _saw_ the swordsman before he realized that no one was there. But still, there was no fucking way that he, the _great Usopp_ was going to enter that room. He liked his ass to stay pure and unsullied, thank you very much.

"Luffy, did you _see_ that? What the hell did Zoro _do _to Sanji?", Usopp squeaked, snatching the front of the Strawhat's shirt and shaking him viciously, "He probably forced Sanji to do _you-know-what_. When Sanji walked in there to try to give him food with the Sippy Cup, Zoro probably got mad and threw him down, _ripped off his pants, bent him over the bed, and did the XXX to him, even though Sanji cried out for him to stop."_

"Sounds like fun.", Luffy chirped, looking oblivious and heading in the direction of the infirmary with all the carelessness of a truly happy person.

"_No! Luffy!_", Usopp screeched, attempting to drag him back, and only succeeding in stretching out Luffy's arm, "Zoro is very dangerously _lustful_ at the moment, and if we don't want to be _horribly raped_ like _Sanji was_, then we have to avoid him at all _costs." _

But Luffy was dragging him inexorably into Zoro's den of sexual predation, "Don't worry Usopp! I'll make sure he doesn't do anything to you."

"Noooooo~"

~0~

Zoro cocked an eyebrow when Luffy and Usopp stormed inside, with wails, tears, and begging screams on Usopp's part. He had cleaned up after cook left, Zoro definitely did _not _want Chopper or any of the crew to see him post-sex. They were _nakama, _they were _friends. _But there were limits.

"Luffy~No~", Usopp wailed, flailing his body around, and then, seeing Zoro staring at him, the sharpshooter collapsed on the plank floor, screaming like a banshee.

"Usopp-what the hell-", Zoro said, and then to his bemused surprise, a large blood puddle spurted from beneath the still-twitching form of the long nose.

"_Sure-kill Ketchup Star…"_, came the whisper from the floor, and then the sound of Usopp taking his last breath.

"How can you expect me to believe that you died if you say your move's name, Usopp?" , Zoro said, rolling his eyes, and throwing a pillow at the body on the floor. "Get up, I'm not going to attack you-why the hell do you think I would?"

"We saw Sanji crawling out of here naked.", Luffy explained, already rummaging through Chopper's secret stash of sweet candies and pastries. "We thought you made him have sex with you in exchange from drinking from the Baby Cup."

"Sippy Cup.", the supposedly dead Usopp automatically corrected from the floor, and then remembering that he should be lifeless, he whispered, "_This is the last knowledge which I impart into you young ones." _Zoro threw another pillow at him.

"Wait-you guys think I _raped_ him?", Zoro said, trying hard not to laugh at the misunderstanding, though he could see how the pair of buffoons had come to that conclusion. It was perfect actually.

Wait.

He could use this.

"No, Usopp thought you did-", Luffy began.

"Well I _did._", Zoro cut him off, his eyes glittering maliciously, as he tilted his head to stare down at Usopp, "The cook wanted me to drink my medicine from that damn sippy cup."

Luffy's eyebrows rose, and the stink of fear rising from Usopp was nearly palatable. The noise of his bones clacking together as they trembled in fright sounded like a drawer filled with castanets.

"But I told him…", Zoro said, dropping his voice down into a husky baritone. "…_you know my price Sanji." _

Usopp whimpered from where he lay, and Luffy stifled his laughter as Zoro motioned to him that it was all a joke.

"What did you make him do Zoro?", Luffy asked, making his voice deadpan, to play along. His black eyes twinkled.

"I told him to take off his pants and to bend over, and to take what I had to give him.", Zoro said softly, viciously, "And when he did, I fucked him until he _cried." _

Luffy was slowly creeping up on the prone figure of the sharpshooter, slipping off his sandals, the better to surprise Usopp, who had his eyes fiercely closed, as if that would protect him.

Zoro continued, though it was taking all his energy not to burst into an explosion of mirth, "The cook was begging me to stop, to go slowly, because I was tearing him apart…_but I didn't listen."_

Luffy was three feet away. His face split into a huge grin.

"He was crying out my name, because deep down, he knew he _liked it_. He wanted me to hurt him like that. And then he started to _beg _me to fuck him _harder. And who was I to say no?" _

Usopp's trembling like he has the hangman's noose strapped around his neck.

"He came, but I didn't stop until he came again. And _again._ And _again._ And _again. And again. And again_." Zoro was wondering how thick or _inexperienced_ Usopp had to be to believe the crap that was spilling out of his bunghole, but the sharpshooter had to be thick indeed.

That's when Luffy pounced. The Strawhat jumped on Usopp and gave a rather vigorous clutch and grope to Usopp's poor ass.

Usopp screeched louder than all the hounds of hell, and managed to squeak, "_Sure Kill Smoke Star!"_ , before the room was filled with grey smoke, blinding everything except the obvious fact that Usopp was escaping from Zoro's sexual clutches.

After the sharpshooter left, and the smoke had dispersed so that Captain and First Mate could look each other in the eye, they burst into laughter.

"Sanji's going to kill me.", Zoro muttered, but feeling vindicated.

"Sanji's going to kill you.", Luffy agreed, "That didn't happen, neh?"

Zoro shrugged, "Actually, it was the other way around, if anything. Goddamn cook-"

Luffy put up one hand, grinning, "Wait, wait for it."

"What-", and then Zoro heard it.

Faint and distant, sounding like the beautiful call of a swan or bull moose, the horrified scream of their sharpshooter, running to where it is most safest.

"Naaaaaami! Zoro raped Sanji….!"~

~0~

**III**

_Literally_

_Holy shitake mushrooms. That has got to be…_

_The hottest thing we've done at this point in our relationship thus far. _

And they had done _much_.

Sanji collapsed as soon as he had gained the privacy of his culinary habitation, his own private rendition of holy sanctuary. Maybe he'd regret crawling out like that later; crawling out of there like a whipped puppy with its tail tucked between its legs. He'll_ probably_ regret it. Zoro won't let him live it down, if he lived to be three hundred years old.

But then, Zoro hadn't exactly come out of this mess covered in glory himself. That was_ exactly_ the point. Sure, they were equal. They switched positions every fucking _hour._ They weren't too idiotic to try to dominate the other without their silent permission.

But this…it had been _domination. _Blatant, obscene, primal, _glorious. _

He had been so utterly overcome that his mind had been wiped clean, he had been unable to function in the simplest, least complex ways. It had been like riding a fireball, swallowing the come of a volcano, tension like steel cords. Everything.

Sanji had always been of the silent opinion that Zoro would start bitching the very second he started getting forceful about topping. Not because Zoro _minded_ being taken, but because his spirit interpreted it as Sanji's attempt to dominate their relationship.

Whatever. Who really gave a fuck about what either of them thought? Their strange, childish, at times idiotic views and theories about why and what their relationship was the fuck about were no more meaningful then so much dust in the wind. Trying to explain whatever was between him and the green-haired first mate with mere human words and hypothesis was sort of like trying to navigate in the Grand Line with a normal compass.

What their relationship was all about, when they threw away all the frilly bowties, and stripped off all the glittery fluff, was the thick, heated pleasures that being hard and being buried inside each other's bodies gave them.

That was it.

But…

_He had liked it. _It felt so absolutely wonderful to be riding Zoro hard, with a whip in his hand, and booted spurs on his black boots; in the master's seat. And Zoro had _submitted._ It was the weirdest thing, kind of like seeing Luffy pushing a plate of food away, or Nami giving out free money.

It was fucking exhilarating, once you thought about it. It made Sanji feel like he was on top of the world, or like he had found All Blue in Zoro's ass. Weird as that sounded. Weird as that _was. _Who gives a fuck? They're private confessions which only he will now.

He's only sure of the fact that he's gotten a taste of submissiveness in his lover, and being the cook he is, he has to taste it multiple times before he can be satisfied with it.

After all, Zoro has to continue his slow, liquid diet, right? If he doesn't, then his stomach will get even more ripped up than it already is.

Chopper's depending on him. The crew's depending on him. _Nami and Robin_ are depending on him. And Sanji considers himself the type that doesn't let others down. Or at least that's what he tells himself so he can sleep at night.

~0~

"Nami! Nami! Nami! Nami! Nami!", Usopp screeched, as he came flying into the room aquarium room where he had last seen Nami and Robin looking at clothing catalogues, picking out all the clothes and accessories that they're going to buy with the money they managed to rip off from the small reindeer doctor.

"Isn't this top cute Robin? Look how the blue matches with-_what the fuck do you want, you bastard? Can't you see that I am discussing a very important matter with Robin?"_, Nami's screeching can be heard to the four corners of the Grand Line. Flowers wilt and small children tremble if they are in earshot.

Usopp immediately stops screaming, and collapses at Nami and Robin's feet, trembling all over. Nami raises one of her heels and digs it into the sharpshooter's back, grinding mercilessly. Robin gets the idea, and her own black heeled boot follows. Abuse of their male crewmembers is a given.

"Well, Usopp? What is it?", Nami demanded, "I don't have all day you know. Every minute you waste is one hundred belli." She actually pulls out a small hourglass from inside her cleavage and places it next to her. It looks oddly familiar. Of course it does, she stole it from Crocodile, back in Arabasta.

The long nosed man is too scared to complain about the heels that are digging into his back, "Nami~ Sanji was raped by Zoro, while he was trying to give him his food! And now _Zoro is looking for fresh meat to eat."_, Usopp finished dramatically, and then, thinking that some nice embellishments would enhance his heroism, "I bravely entered the infirmary to see if I could subdue Zoro…Luffy was too scared to enter, at first, but then he realized that I was there to protect him…"

Nami was looking unimpressed, trying to sort out the bullshit from the truth is a prerequisite in dealing with Usopp. Robin snickered, trying to stifle her snorts of laughter with the back of her hand.

"…But as soon as we entered, Zoro snatched Luffy in a fierce grip and ripped off the blue capris from him! Luffy was screaming-"

"Wait, I thought Zoro raped _Sanji,_ Usopp.", Nami interrupted, rolling her eyes. Her eye is on the hourglass, calculating.

"Luffy too!", Usopp squeaked.

"I see. Continue." the orange haired navigator said, adopting a tone of sagacious understanding.

"So Luffy was screaming as Zoro loomed over him, but thankfully I kept my cool-", Usopp finally lost his fear and he struggled out from under Nami's foot, the better to animate his story, "I ripped Zoro off with one hand, thereby saving Luffy from further mishandling-and I threw him to the other side of the room with a gentle push of my extraordinary muscles."

The sharpshooter flexed his small biceps, the bumps the size of grapes. Small, wrinkled grapes. Usopp flipped his hair back and tucked it behind his ear, "And I told him_, 'Zoro, don't make me get serious_.'" Usopp slowly bent his head, and kissed his right bicep, looking deeply into Nami's eyes. One thick, fluttery eyelash dipped slowly down in a wink that reeked of sexual abandonment.

Nami leaned close to Robin, whispering, "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."

Robin laughed softly, "If we had been pregnant, then our babies would have just died in the wombs."

"-and he still wanted to mess with me, so I just cracked my neck and showed him _this_ baby-", Usopp flexed again, "And he knew he was beat. I said, _'Don't fuck with Usopp, baby, because Usopp will fuck with you."_

"Wow, Usopp.", Nami said, the sarcasm so thick it could be cut, "You should get that tattooed on your left nut. I am not kidding."

"I don't think it'll fit Nami-", Usopp said, prying the top of his overalls off and peering down, "Though maybe, if it was really _small-" _

"I think you have to have your balls dropped before you plan to do _anything _with them, long-nose.", Robin chimed in, lifting one perfectly arched eyebrow, her eyes boring into Usopp's crotch region.

"Just what exactly are you insinuating-"

"The lovely Robin means that you have to hit puberty first long nose if you want to play with the big boys." The cook's voice wafted in with the scent of cool cucumbers engaging in sexual intercourse with tangerines and ginseng. Only the pirate king's cook could make that a flavor.

Sanji's dressed up again, looking decidedly normal, if a little flushed around the cheek area, with his hair straight, and his shirt tucked in, and his cigarette in place. He's carrying a large crystal tray with matching cocktail glasses filled with a tealish liquid and garnished with tangerine slices.

Usopp's voice immediately adopts a sympathizing tone, and he hurries to the cook's side, "Here, Sanji, let me carry that for you."

"What? No! I'm handing this to the lovely ladies.", Sanji says, bewildered as Usopp tries to snatch the tray from out of his hands.

"You need to sit down Sanji, rest a while…", Usopp says, determined. "Not many have gone through what you have gone through today."

"What the hell? Talk sense man!", Sanji looks at Nami and Robin for help, but the women are giggling madly, their knuckles stuffed into their mouths.

"Sanji.", Usopp murmured consolingly, "What Zoro did to you was horrible, but you can get over it. You're a strong man…"

"_What the fuck?"_

"Here, I think I have the Grand Line Rape Hotline den-den mushi number somewhere on me-", Usopp digs through his pockets, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"Will you fucking tell me-_oh._", Sanji's likes to think he's a smart guy, and the pieces fly together once he allows his brain to think in terms of lunatics and madness. "_Oh." _He doesn't even notice as Usopp takes the tray with the ladies glasses on it and hand it to them.

"_Oh, that bastard."_

"I hear Zoro had his evil way with you Sanji-kun.", Nami remarked, watching with clear amusement as Sanji turned from magenta pink, to a fiery red, to a ghostly white, before turning to pink _again_. Her voice dripped with bogus sympathy, "I'm sure it was a traumatizing experience. Chopper must have some sort of creams to deal with the pain."

"If you need help, I don't know, with anything, if it hurts too much…just let me help you, okay Sanji?", Usopp said, and soothingly patted the frozen cook on the back, and immediately drew his hand back, as if burned, "Oh, that didn't hurt you, did it?"

Robin added the final_ coup de gras_, "I have a good book which you can read Sanji-san; it helps survivors cope with violent incidents of trauma. I'm sure you'll _love_ it." And his humiliation is complete.

"Nami-san, Robin-chwan, I assure you that it is all the marimo's ludicrous spewing, indeed, the rantings of a mad man!", Sanji assures, placing an injured hand on his heart, "I'm not exactly sure where exactly you came up with this ridiculous piece of _mis_information…", Here, Sanji shot a murderous look at the long nose, which could easily be interpreted as, '_You've got a couple hours to live, I suggest you start writing your last will.' _

"…But there's exactly_ zero_ shreds of truth in it.", he finished, leaning over Nami, the better to leer at the exposed tops of her breasts.

"Oh? Did you hear that Usopp?", Nami said loftily, shooting a '_there, see?' _at the sharpshooter, "_Now…_will you two get the hell out of here? Me and Robin were busy looking at these Grand Line Catalogues, until you idiots came."

"Quite.", Robin added, picking up on the magazines and snapping it open dramatically to signal the end of the conversation.

Usopp was scratching the long side of his nose, looking confused, "What? You didn't…But we saw you crawl naked from the room, your pants were around your _ankles-_"

"_Shut the fuck up longnose_.", Sanji snarled, cutting him off before something even more humiliating was brought up, though, he morbidly thought, that the worse had already been told. But it'd be best that Usopp shut up lest something _else _be brought up, further besmirching him in the eyes of the beautiful, refined women. They didn't need to know what had been happening _inside _that room.

"But-"

"That has a _reasonable explanation_."

"I don't see how that can have _reasonable-"_

"Do you _want_ me kick your ass?"

"T-Try it! Me and my army of eight thousand men-"

"_Get the fuck out idiots!" _

They land in a little heap of limbs and black afroish hair in front of the door, as it slams behind them. Sanji just sees a flash of goggles, and a snatch of brown overalls before Usopp's flying off, no doubt fearing his time has come. Vicious reprisal at the hands of the cook he was just trying to help out.

Whatever. He'll get Usopp sooner or later. Maybe. If he remembers. But more important business must be taken care of. It's urgent, _necessary._

Sanji's already halfway to Chopper's infirmary, his right leg already beginning to heat up with friction, and the cigarette reduced to a sorry little heap in the corner of his mouth, before he stops suddenly, his head cocking up.

_Wait a minute…wait a minute..let's think here Sanji, shall we?_

If he goes in right now, then all he'll end up doing is breaking things in Chopper's precious infirmary, and incurring the reindeer's immortal wrath for daring to fuck with an injured patient. And, if that didn't further complicate things, Sanji _knew_ that Zoro would declare his injury a handicap and that just wouldn't _do._ Hell no.

Better to wait. Wait and see. _And meanwhile_, Zoro would have to continue his romantic rendezvous with the Sippy Cup. Via Sanji. That meant more Sippy Sex. Woah, he had not just thought that. But yes, it fit. It _fit,_ goddamn it. But this time, he wouldn't be so generous with marimo. Or gentle.

He'll wait, and continue to feed the green-haired invalid.

It's because he doesn't want to fight an injured man. It's because he doesn't want Chopper getting pissed. It's because he has things to do at the moment. It's because all of these reasons and millions more.

Sanji turned abruptly to his kitchen again; he needed the cool tiled confines and shiny counters around him to think clearly, to plan this properly. Sanji decided to generously let Zoro have a few more hours of sleep before hell breaks loose around his poor, befuddled head.

After all, revenge was a dish best served cold.

~0~

"So are you okay with staying in bed for these next two days?", Luffy again asks, playing with the Vivre card in his hat, "Ya know Zoro. You have to follow Chopper's orders, it's good for you."

"Tell me the truth Luffy.", Zoro mutters, he's feeling nasty. Fucking with Sanji is hilarious, but now Usopp's gone and so is the cook, and things are flat out monotonous again. He can't even sleep anymore, he already has a couple hours of shut-eye beneath his belt. There's nothing to do. He's already missing the feel of his weight's solid, slicked surface. He misses them.

"Me and Usopp want to have an Octopus Fishing Contest, but we can't do it if we have to watch you to make sure you stay in bed.", Luffy immediately admits. "Man, I thought watching you would be _fun_. But it's not really."

"Thanks Luffy. Why don't you just let me out of here? I'm going to be _fine."_

"I can't. I promised Chopper.", Luffy sighs, and slumps in a chair. "But I want to _fish_."

"Fine. Get out of here. I promise not to get up.", Zoro sighs and burrows into his quilts. He doesn't want to drag Luffy down into the funk with him.

"Just put in a good word for me with-" Maybe Luffy'll manage to convince Chopper to let him out. His stomach's still aching, but the pain has lessened considerably. It's amazing actually how fast it did. But then this the first time he's rested after an injury. "that doctor-"

No use. Luffy's already gone.

Zoro blinks, shrugs. Whatever. He should go to sleep. He'll need it later, dealing with an angry Sanji is strictly heavyweight stuff. And he has a sneaking suspicion that this time, there's going to be an apocalypse.

Usopp had no doubt told some murky version of the truth to Nami and Robin, in which the details had evolved into the longnose actually _witnessing _the supposed rape and maybe his own intervention to save Sanji.

He has a funny dream.

In it, Nami has painted the Sunny Go a vibrant shade of orange and Chopper has become Luffy's lover. Franky is wearing pants and Robin's making out with Usopp's goggles.

Sanji's cooking something in the kitchen, it's some sort of soup with large bones in it, and when he asks Sanji why they're in there, Sanji tells him that it's for the unique flavor these particular bones give the soup. They're so old that they have the spice of a hundred years stored in their marrow. Then the rest of the crew pours in to eat, and they all sit down, except for some weird reason, Brooke isn't there. Everybody has a bowl of soup in front of them, except him. When he asks Sanji for his share, Sanji hands him the Sippy Cup_. "What the hell Cook?",_ he looks up accusingly at him, his hand already circling the Sippy Cup, wanting to crush it.

Sanji has large, beautiful eyes. And Zoro realizes something he never noticed before, the cook's eyes are _brown_. A nice chocolate shade with flecks of gold and green, his skin is tanner, too. Why the hell hadn't he noticed before? And there's brown _things_ sticking out from either side of the cook's head.

"_You really have to stop having sex when you're in here Zoro.", _Sanji says, and shakes his head sadly from side to side.

"_What the hell do you mean?" I want my soup in a bowl!"_

"_You need to drink out of the Sippy Cup, Zoro. It's good for you."_

"_Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you? Well, you won't get me to do it even if you suck, swallow, lip your lips, and order more!" _

Sanji recoiled from him, his hands flying up, and for some weird reason his fingers look razor sharp and shiny, "_That's disgusting, Zoro!"_

"_Heh. I think it's a little late in the game to change your preferences cook."_ He's not surprised by the large pink hat that has appeared on Sanji's brunette head, because it seems like it's been there all this time.

"_Wake up idiot! You're scaring me!", _Sanji squeaks, recoiling backward. _"Wake-"_

"-up! Wake up idiot!", Chopper's looking at him like he's grown forty testacies and thirteen dicks in the vicinity of his forehead.

"Chopper?", Zoro says fuzzily, groggily.

"_Yes!_ Who else is it!", Chopper has retreated all the way to the other side of the room, and behind a bookcase filled with medical textbooks and a small model of the human body. Its Chopper's copyrighted attempt at occultation. His small, fuzzy body is out, in full view, while his head is stuck behind the furniture.

"I can still see you.", Zoro says automatically, still feeling a little disoriented from the transformation of dream to reality. _Weird-ass dream._

"Are-Are you awake now?", Chopper demanded, his eyes large with fright as he peeped out from under his arm. Zoro noticed with amusement, and with a faint species of alarm that Chopper's other hoof was slowly winding its way down to one of the pockets where Zoro knew the little reindeer kept his syringes filled with the heavy stuff.

"Yeah, yeah I am. Sorry, I was dreaming…I was talking to Sanji. In my dream." _As if that wasn't obscenely obvious._ He rolled his fists up and screwed them into his droopy eyesockets in an attempt to rub away the sleep.

"Ah-_hah!_", Chopper accused, dropping his frightened stance and advancing on Zoro. It was wondrous what the reindeer could do when he thought his medical safety rules were being infringed on. "Which brings me back to _that_."

"That?"

Chopper hopped on a nearby stool and glared at him, hooves on hips, looking amazingly maternal, "_No sex while you are injured!"_ He recited it as if it was engraved on stone tablets somewhere.

"I…I didn't have sex.", Zoro said, a little uncomfortable in spite of himself. It wasn't because he was a social fucktard who couldn't say penis without blushing wildly, but it was _Chopper_ he was talking to. It made him feel like he was breaking a law somewhere. A little pedophilia, anyone?

"Zoro, reindeer's have _much_ better olfactory capabilities than humans!", Chopper said, frowning, "I can smell the scent of a reindeer who's ready to mate miles away!"

"Are you comparing me to a reindeer who's ready to mate?", Zoro repeated, flabbergasted and revolted. No offense, Chopper.

"What I'm trying to say is that sexual activity releases a unique set of endorphins, actually released from glands atop your kidneys, that are similar throughout the kingdom Animalia! I smelt them as soon as I walked in the room. It's an odor identifiable by its musky scent!", the reindeer declared, not without a strange species of pride.

"You lost me at 'sexual activity', reindeer."

"No sexual activity while you're injured!", Chopper repeated, his ultimatum ringing out flat and clear.

"But-", he has to protest. It's automatic. Even if Sanji doesn't want anything to do with him for the next thirty years, the need is ingrained. Even Usopp would have protested. Hell, even _Brooke._

"Zoro, I don't want your stomach to come under any more stress. And it is a _well_ _established medical fact_ that ejaculation and orgasm strain the abdominal muscles, the internal abdominal oblique, the external abdominal oblique, as well as the transversus abdominis!", Chopper piped, reeling out a small map of the muscoskeletal system and pointing at the different muscles with the tip of his hoof.

Zoro can't believe he's _hearing _this. "Chopper, it _does not strain my muscles_. Shit! The day a guy can't bust a nut in freedom is the day I give up swords!"

"I don't care!", Chopper snapped, his eyes bright with the doctor-high that comes from ordering innocent patients around. And Zoro had a split second in which he wondered if Chopper had been meddling in his own prescription drugs lately. "Obey me!" The doctor is already walking towards the door, even the squeaks his feet make sound authoritarian.

"But-",

"No buts!", Chopper snaps out firmly, and before he slams the door shut, "Literally!"

~0~

**IV**

_In Lunatic Conclusion_

**Dedicated to:**

**The Great Eiichiro Oda.**

**After reading the Chapter "Two Years Later"**

**I realized how much One Piece was an inspiring force in my life.**

**Here's to many more years of adventure!**

_**Kampai!**_

~0~

"Hey fuckwad."

It's like the ultimate judgment call. A clear, sonorous blast from some kind celestial trumpet which somehow resembled the cook's voice. Except this time, it's a Judgment call from hell itself. As soon as the first nuances of the cook's grating voice had cut through the room, Zoro knew he was in trouble. He wondered if he'd get away if he pretended to be sleeping. Maybe Sanji would have a shred of humanitarianism in whatever passed for his heart, and he'd think better of it.

But as soon as the thought had formed in his head, Zoro discards it immediately. Simply because he knows, that if their positions were reversed, and Sanji was lying here in this bed, and if he was the one, slinked over the bed posts, glaring down at the prostate form in the bed which had fucked with him behind his back, he'd have no mercy.

Zoro decided to throw his 'oblivious, and thus innocent' defensive out the window. Sanji knew _exactly _why he was here, knew _exactly what_ had happened, and exactly what was going to happen. The best plan would be to throw himself into the offensive. Amazing how their fights had developed to the point where they handled them like military maneuvers.

"What? Usopp blew the whole thing out of fucking proportion, if you have problems, take it up with him and don't look at me like you're wondering whether you can slip poison into my food and get away with it.", he holds up his hands in defense.

"Do you know how much embarrassment you made me pass in front of Nami and Robin?", Sanji snarled back, "They think you actually had the strength to take me _against my will_. Which we both know, isn't going to happen in_ this_ world."

"Who knows-", Zoro pretends to look studiously ponderous.

"_It's not." _The cook spat, looking like he tasted something in his mouth.

"Well, whatever. I told you it wasn't me. I didn't say shit. Take it up with Usopp", he shrugged nonchalantly.

"Lying, conniving bastard. I smell your stink all over Usopp.", Sanji held up a finger, "And don't even _try_ to deny it. You'd be insulting my intelligence."

"Which isn't hard, considering what it is."

"You're pushing it marimo. One more smart-ass comment and I don't care that you're invalid."

"Thought you came down here to kick my ass, or something absolutely and equally farfetched."

"Why in the world would I do that? I came to feed you." The sudden change from spitting anger to a caring concern is obvious, and Zoro's immediately wary, every hackle on his body dagger-like.

"You fucking get that fucking thing the fucking fuck away from me."

"What's wrong? Scared of a little plastic baby bottle? It even has little cows dancing on it. Look." , Sanji points out the dancing mammals with a joy just short of euphoria.

"I wouldn't give a fuck if had Gold Roger's balls playing the bagpipes adorned on it. I want that thing out of this room right about _now._ Get out and throw that thing in the ocean. And take yourself along with it for good measure, just to be safe."

"Come on.." "You need to take your food as Chopper dictates."

"What Chopper doesn't see won't hurt him."

"You won't do it for me? You know...I can find something good for you later."

"Denied. You're like the kid who cried 'blowjob'. I don't believe you anymore."

"Oh, don't tell me you didn't like it…" Sanji's coddling voice is suddenly erupted by the door opening to admit a highly suspicious doctor.

"Sanji! What are you doing here! No sex means no sex!"

"Chopper! How the hell can you tell?", Zoro yells, freaked out. Did Chopper actively sniff the air for these so-called sex chemicals?

"I'm just trying to feed the man! Pure innocence. Shut up marimo!", Sanji snaps as Zoro nearly chokes on his own saliva at the blatant lie.

"_Out _Sanji! I can't risk getting Zoro aroused.", Chopper cries, transforming into his man-shape, and both men wince at the words coming out of the reindeer's mouth, though Sanji starts snickering like mad at the order.

"Shut up cook!", he's trying not to turn red.

"What! You're not allowed to play with yourself? Naw!"

"Zoro is not allowed to be erect." Chopper confirmed, looking weirdly proud.

"Holy shit! It's not a joke!", Sanji's face is stretched into an unbelieving grin.

"Chopper, why the hell did you have to tell him that?"

"Sorry!"

"Zoro, I seriously came down here to make your life hell, but now, I'm feeling sorry for you. Is there nothing I can do?", the cook has the gall to place his hand over his heart.

"You can get-"

"No there isn't! There isn't anything here I can do because you can't jack off! Skull Joke!", Sanji bursts into wild cackles.

"Skull Joke!", Chopper cries, happy.

"Skull Joke! Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho~", Brooke pops in for a second and then leaves again.

"That was nowhere near a skull joke retards!", Zoro yells, slightly scared at the levels of idiocy floating around here.

"Human joke?" , Sanji muses.

"Have you been cooking with wine?"

"Sanji, get out. Zoro's trying to rest."

"But, Chopper-",

But Chopper's had enough, and the blonde cook is promptly dragged out. Much to Zoro's relief.

~0~

It's been a couple days or so since Zoro had been able to walk like a free man again.

He had spent the next two days after Sanji had been exiled from the infirmary in anguished torpor, only saved from the dull monotony when Usopp and Luffy came to visit. Usopp had apparently gotten over the fright of being sexually molested and had come in to chat comfortably enough. Their amusing, slightly annoying antics which he had just ignored before, now provided the sole form of entertainment; and if that wasn't torture, he didn't know what was.

As for cook-he hadn't seen him for days. Sanji had been forbidden the infirmary on Chopper's orders since the doctor had walked in on them. Well, it saved them the temptation of disobeying the doctor's orders. Because whether they were pissed or not, whether they covered in blood-each;-the other's or not-whether they were bone-tired and feeling like the dry yellow stain around the toilet; they were always to get down to do the dirty.

Thankfully Franky and Brooke came once in a while to gloat and sing and strike poses. But Franky always seemed to be rushing from one project to another, and frankly, Brooke's laugh held great and disturbing similarities to carbon monoxide, it was something that, when concentrated, should never be allowed to accumulate indoors, in a closed surrounding. Zoro's ears had begun to ring with the sound after a few minutes with the eight-foot skeleton in proximal vicinity.

All the other hours that he was forced to spend relaxed in the comfy bed, with absolutely nothing to do. It got so bad that he even flipper through Chopper's medical books and read up on how to inject himself with a syringe and how to splint a broken bone.

Nami and Robin didn't even deign to come visit him. He'd remember that next time some saw-nosed freak or some secret government agency all in black tried to kill them.

So, as soon as Chopper had given him the okay to actually get up and fucking _walk_, Zoro had nearly broken the door down in his euphoria to get the hell outside, to switch these four, drab, medical walls for the sight of the ocean, and the view of the sun.

Once outside, and standing on his own two feet on the green grass of the Sunny Go's upper deck, Zoro had to fight the ridiculous urge to drop to his knees and kiss the ground.

Luffy and Usopp had waved to him amiably, calling out greetings and congratulations for his return to the land of the living. Zoro had grinned back, and pumped a fist in the air back at them, oblivious.

The first thing he went to go do after Chopper had released him was to go see what he had missed the most in those handful of days.

He hadn't seen his great love in a few days, and that absence brought his affection a keener, sharper edge. It was disconcerting how much he had taken this love for granted, he had never thought about how much they had actually meant to him, now that he hadn't seen them in days.

What he most loved in the mortal, material world.

Zoro had missed the touch of the hard body. It's touch, soft and silky when he handled it right. Missed most of all, moving with it, his body sweaty and hot to the touch as they moved together, a unit of love and passion, reaching their dreams together.

Whenever they were together, it seemed like all he did was pant and grunt in exertion, and he was left feeling lightheaded with the rushing endorphins. Ah, how he had dreamt of seeing them beside them as he slept, how he had dreamt of taking them in his hands and lifting.

"Ah, good boys.", Zoro murmured protectively, as he ran his hands over his silent weights in the privacy of his room. "I've been gone a while and abandoned you, but all that changes now." He lifted up his small ten ton weight made of solid iron and balanced it on his pinky. It had been so long.

He put it down again and reached for another one, smiling gently as he slowly reacquainted himself with their hard texture. Zoro looked at them lovingly, before reaching for them, ready to continue his love affair once again, and train once more.

And they were looking back at him.

"Gah!", Zoro recoils, his weights are covered in black and blue eyes with long eyelashes, it looks absolutely _disgusting_, there are dozens of them all over the formerly perfect grey surfaces. "Woman! Will you stop that?", he yells at the eyes, since he has no idea where Robin is.

The eyes just blink at him, and after a while, Zoro hears the approaching bootheels of the blackhaired archeologist. The eyes blink once more and then disappear in a flutter of white petals which smell vaguely of pale pink chrysanthemums before the door opens.

"Doctor-san gave you explicit instructions to not exert yourself swordsman.", Robin announces loftily, looking down her square-arched nose at him.

"Come on Robin, I've been stuck in bed all freaking week! I need to train every single day if I want to become the greatest swordsman in –", he protests, his hands already itching to pick up the weights, now that Robin's eyes have abandoned territory.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Nami wanted me to tell you that if you trained and lost her the Two thousand five hundred belli that Chopper promised her, then she would never lend you money again _and _she would charge you for the loss."

"What? How the hell am I ever supposed to get new clothes or sword-polishing rocks?", Zoro yells, slapping a hand to his forehead, stunned at the depths the navigator would go to gold dig.

"All you have to do is wait three more days, until the time Chopper had allotted is past.", Robin said, already moving to the door, "But if you try to touch those weights until then…I won't take responsibility for what happens." Before she leaves, Robin makes a savage clutching motion with her fists, her hands clenching so tightly that the muscles in her forearms stand out. It's an obscene gesticulation, and his balls _hurt_ at the mere thought.

Zoro thinks to himself that he would do best to remember that Nico Robin had spent the majority of her life as an assassin or some other kind of unsavory criminal, before he thinks of fucking with her.

That means his weights are out.

_Fuck my life. _

~0~

He has been reduced to fishing with Usopp and Luffy. But it is the hardest, most grueling task in the world trying to follow their conversation. They have seven kinds of attention deficiency disorders between them.

Zoro had tried to go see what Sanji was up to, but the cook had just been fawning over Nami and Robin, picking up the trash up from their rooms and taking it to the garbage cans below deck. Though Zoro strongly suspected that he was looking through it first to see if there was any discarded lingerie or some other paraphernalia.

It's hard even to keep track of the day and the time, since it seems the minutes pass by slower than the Calm Belt when there's nothing to keep him occupied.

"And so that's when the Giant Beetle Man took me under his wing to help me become a great warrior of the seas-", Usopp was saying, leaning against Luffy's shoulder.

"And he lived on a plant that had a huge mouth in the middle and every time it was hungry it would tilt it's leaves and pull everything towards its center!', Luffy added.

Zoro rolled his eyes, _this was the kind of lunacy he had to deal with._ There wasn't even a tug on the edge of his fishing rod so that he could wrestle a bit to bring it up. With a grunt of disgust, Zoro tosses his pole at Usopp, hops off the edge, and settles himself down on the floor near them, with his back to the warm planks of the Sunny Go's sides. Maybe he'll catch a few winks. At least maybe in his dreams, he'll be able to train.

"Yes, exactly Luffy.", Usopp confessed, "But what was more amazing was the large number of man-eating plants that licked you if you tried to eat their fruit!"

"Having fun swordsman?" Zoro turns to see Sanji walking out from Nami and Robin's room, wiping his hands on a small towel, presumably just finished slaving away to the women.

"Oh yeah, Usopp's telling a real nice story about beetle-men.", he mutters, not feeling particularly happy to see Sanji. The guy has been treating him like he's had his dick removed in emergency surgery. Amusement mixed with sympathy as real as Nami's Climatact mirages.

"Beetle-men eh? I envy you.", Sanji's already walking past him, laughing. Too lordly to mind the poor street bums on the corner.

Zoro sticks his foot out before he even thinks about it and Sanji trips, as neat as anything, landing in a nice splat on the floor, as graceful as a King Bull Yagara in an antique shop. His face _eats _shit.

"_Fuck-"_

That's when several things happen all at once and chaos erupts for the second time that long-live week. Zoro's trying not to laugh, and failing miserably, at the cook's outraged expression and the thin trickle of blood which is steadily oozing from out of his left nostril. The cook is advancing on him, the malevolence more than palatable, nearly visible flames threatening to spit out of every orifice in his body, hissing like a snake.

Usopp suddenly lets out a screech as something _huge _bites onto his fishing pole and nearly drags him into a watery grave. Luffy, excited as fuck that something has fallen into the range of their limited fishing capability, snatched Usopp's around the waist and hauls him back fiercely.

Except Luffy's too strong for whatever lurks at the bottom of the ocean, and right before Sanji and Zoro tear each other's throats out, a huge Octopus Sea King shoots out of the ocean towards the four men.

Usopp's screaming like a siren somewhere far off, as he attempts to shoot the massive aqarian, and Luffy's laughing like a lunatic, his eyes have turned into _takoyaki balls_, steaming and dripping with soysauce, and Sanji has a moment to see Zoro's wide-eyed gape, and the huge pulsating body of the gigantic mollusk, lined with what seems to be millions of glaring suckers, before it descends on them like the end of the world and everything turns fiery crimson.

~0~

He wakes up with a splitting headache, drawn to life by the cool compresses pressed onto his forehead. He's in the infirmary, in the very bed Zoro had so recently occupied until a few days ago. What bitter irony. Sanji can still feel the curves the swordsman's body had outlined on the mattress beneath him. But, otherwise, the room is empty.

_What…the…hell…was…that?_

It even hurts to think. Each word thrums in his head like an angry wasp or like the beat of a heavy stone drum. What the hell has happened to him? Sanji reached up gingerly to touch with tented finger at his temples, which seemed to be worshipping the gods of pain and headache at the moment.

The slightest motion hurts. His entire face feels smashed up, aching with what Sanji suspects are octopus sucker marks. Massive ones. Oh, joy and delight. All he can remember is getting tripped, and then the oncoming horror.

_Luffy…Luffy pulled it up. _The analysis comes slowly, but inexorably.

And it had _hit _them.

Ridiculous. Knocked out by an octopus. Attacked by something he usually cleaned and cooked. Beaten by an invertebrate. Score for Blackleg Sanji.

_But if I hadn't been tripped…I would have been far away from this entire shitty thing. _

Pause in which his brain cells reorganize and reboot.

_Zoro's going to pay dearly for this. _

Sanji ghosts his fingers across his face, reading the damage like a blind person. Feels like his whole face is going to turn purple with the bruises. The tender flesh of his lips seems to have been sliced open twice. And his body feels like it's been slammed with a couple times with islands the size of Arabasta. Nothing he can't handle of course. This is small stuff, easy peas. Small potatoes.

He doesn't realize the pain's drifted him off again until wakes up for the second time. This time it's because the creak of the door opening is loud in the near-stillness. Sanji looks up, expecting the reindeer doctor, coming in with his large pink hat resplendent and his hooves waving in righteous admonishment.

What comes in is decidedly uglier and greener.

"You.", Sanji mutters groggily.

"Do _you _look like a sorry sack of shit, Sanji." Zoro whistles in what can only be termed as honest admiration.

"_Yeah, and whose fucking fault is it, ehhh?"_, it's not worth the pain in his head to even try to get up and pummel the idiot into something resembling the Grand Line.

"Luffy and Usopp wanted say they're sorry.", Zoro said, shrugging, "They wanted to throw the monster into the aquarium tank, but Franky freaked out and said no, so they killed it instead."

"You fucking tripped me!"

"You fucking provoked me!"

"Because you-"

"Whatever! I don't care. Chopper just sent me down here to see if you're awake so you can eat."

"Eat? Who's cooking here? I'm this ship's cook, goddamn it!" He can just picture Franky and Usopp rifling through his kitchen, playing with the precious pots and pans, maybe even filching some for their kinky little engineering projects.

"Nami is.", Zoro says, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, that's fine then.", the cook's expression immediately changes from royally pissed to dreamy servitude.

"Though she _is_ charging everyone a thousand belli per dish.", Zoro muttered, looking outraged, "Anyway, Chopper made your food and sent me to give it to you." There's something not quite right with the way Zoro kept skirting the issue, emphasizing certain words and looking oddly excited. Eager.

"Well?", his head is hurting, that's why he can't figure this shit out. Sanji racks his brains, trying to put the pieces together-something's not quite right, it stinks like the carcass of a dead fish left out in the sun. What-

He realizes even before Zoro pulls it out, realizes before the smile that has been creeping around the corners of Zoro's mouth develops into a wide grin, engaging and handsome, declaring Sanji's ultimate doom.

Sanji had never realized how horrid the thing is until it's held up before his eyes, has never seen the different disgusting nuances and lines of the objet in question until they are shaken under his very nose.

Zoro's grinning, looking like he's finally become the greatest swordsman in the world.

It seemed to gloat from the swordsman's hand, its plastic skin peeping through the cracks of Zoro's fingers, seeming to greet him in the most gothic way possible. The last time he had seen that particular piece of nutritional apparatus, it had been in his own hand, a soldier beneath his royal command. Now, it had betrayed him. It was in the hands of the enemy.

Sanji softly closed his eyes and cursed.

~0~

_Fin_


	12. Forbidden

Pairing: Zoro x Luffy, M, IU

**Forbidden **

He was first mate. He shouldn't be doing this with the Captain. It wasn't right. It was forbidden.

Lithe body. Muscles which were lean and predatory. Wrists that were insanely powerful, but so thin he could swallow them up with his hands. Ridiculously delicate waist that the first time he gripped and bent the Captain over, Zoro had been scared that his assault would snap it in two. Even if the man was made out of rubber. Luffy could take him and much more. His body, though enticing, deceiving, was a powerhouse of energy and heat. They were gamboling in bed, the crew asleep in the heat of the day or seeking the cool reserves of the aquarium room. But they—the soaring temperature of the upcoming desert Island were not enough.

Luffy's muscles clenching and pulling him in tighter, deeper.

"Luffy—"

He breathed out the captain's name, letting it slide from his tongue.

Small grunts of sensation, heady pants.

"You must like doing this Zoro, neh?" Luffy said, a small gleam of mirth in his words. He turned and Zoro felt his lower belly and groin throb with the sight of the Captain's handsome face; sweaty and pink, hair plastered to the sides of his face, a red blush across his tanned cheeks. The black hair was a mess, a tangle of onyx.

It's enough to rush the blood through his flesh and make him thrust all the way in, letting his heavy sack slam into Luffy's flawless ass. Luffy grunted and slammed a fist into the bed.

"You're rubber, it's not supposed to hurt," he said, chuckling, but letting Luffy take a breath.

"It hurts if I care about you," Luffy managed, and squeezed his eyes shut for a second, "Fist of love, you know?"


	13. Taking

Pairing: Zoro x Sanji, M.

_**Taking **_

It's been a while since they've made love.

And that's a sad and confusing thing to think when he's just now slipping from the other's side, nude and slightly sweaty and feeling that ache of emptiness. Feeling hollow in more ways than one.

The swordsman doesn't even turn to watch him go and the cook feels himself minimalized even more. He feels like the unwanted brussel sprout sitting on the edge of the plate. Like the sodden mushroom hiding beneath the napkin because the diner did not wish for anyone to witness its demise.

He's too stupid. He can't believe that there is an idiot greater in the world than Blackleg Sanji.

The bed creaks as he leans down to fit on his jeans, his lethally black shoes; and Zoro shifts behind him, moving out of the way.

Sanji doesn't take his time to dress. He's off almost immediately. The separation from the other is fast and painless. A necessary amputation. The scissors have never been so merciful as they cut the umbilical.

Because if he was moping that the other wasn't madly in love with him as he so desperately wished then it was no one's fault but his own. Zoro had come unwillingly, torturously slow into their mutual sessions of sexuality. Sanji had done his very best to make him his, to throw himself into the swordsman's arms and make the other fall hard.

But nothing had happened. And how long had they been stickily peeling each other off each other's bodies and how long would it take his heart to realize, to understand that their relationship was superficial, the lustful needs of two men at sea?

How long would it take him to fall out?


	14. Quench the

**Pairing: Zoro x Sanji **

**Quench the**

Thirst.

A need inside of him. The ache to water the secret crevices of his body with the flavor and scent of blond cook. Never had he felt such a thirst inside his body. It had grown steadily, insidiously, a parasite that sapped the very energy of his spirit, since the day had begun. He lay there on his side, swords laid beside his body, a hand propping up a chin as he watched Sanji twirl around Nami as she lay like a queen on her white lawn chair.

An idea formed in his hazy mind.

He got up and slunk into the kitchen and seconds later, popped his head out lazily, "Hey Cook, Your soup is burning!"

Sanji made it into the kitchen in two seconds flat, flying to the stove like it was a damsel in distress, "_What! The hell out of my way! What'd you do—I left it on a simmer!" _

Zoro's on him before cook can say '_conniving bastard', _hands deftly peeling layers and popping buttons.

Thirst.

Nuzzling the nice, muscled neck; using mouth like he knows the cook likes it. Full lips with just a bit of bite. Spice from the devil's larder.

"You…you tricked me in here for this?" Sanji muttered, seizing his head and forcing them eye-to-eye. "Sick fuck."

There's no more resistance then that.

He thrust a hand in Sanji's shirt and pressed his hand against the hard pec, grinning, "Your heart's beating like a rabbit's."

"Goddamn you," Sanji breathed, red suffusing his cheeks, "I'm leaving now. Na-chan and Ro-swan might be thirsty."

"So am I," he whispered before he stole the cook's mouth, drank up those lips like water. Hands deftly unbuckled the belt which was keeping him from satiation.

Drank him like water. To quench the.

Thirst.


	15. Reversibility

Pairing: Zoro x Sanji, IU, NC-17

This is for **Green-San** for a song-fic exchange! She asked me to write a one-shot/drabble of Zoro x Sanji to the music of "Escape" by Enrique Iglesias. I listened to that song non-stop while writing this but near the end I started to listen to, "Tonight" (you know/ tonight I'm fucking you/ tonight I'm fucking you) So that explains the end.

_**Reversibility **_

~0~

The first sign was the disillusionment of the afterglow. Then came the lugubrious scent of the sweat which covered his opened pores and which clung like a sticky film to his slightly tanned skin. The nostalgia soon followed. A deep, unquestioned feeling which smelled slightly of wisterias at the end of fall.

The need to dress quickly and cover his nakedness, increased daily. Even after the rich and fulfilling love sessions in which they both came out exhausted and rejuvenated, he wished to dress. To end the sweet minutes of intimacy.

The Sunny Go rocked slightly, oh so slightly beneath his black shoes, riding the gemstone waves to the forbidden island of Raftel, stuff of legends.

His shirt, open, a deep-necked V which would drive the local swordsman crazy. His slacks, a precious black, blunt and unforgiving in its complete rejection of color. His ever-present vice safeguarded in his hand; the thin, deadly cylinder just barely peeping out of his talented hands.

Sunset now. The sun died its daily death on the cutting edge of the horizon. The magnificent blood of its regal veins spilled out on the shifting waters; the usual kaleidoscope of warm, bloody colors. Soon, night would fall and he would once again feel that feeling that had snuck insidiously into his body. The scent of forgotten wisterias would overwhelm him, again.

A slight noise to the side caused the Strawhat's cook to turn his head; yet it was only Usopp, the sharpshooter, dragging a large wooden platform after him.

"'Lo, Usopp," he called out, "Setting up _Usopp's Workshop_ out here?" He pitched the dwindling butt of the cigarette out over the railing and made his way to the sharpshooter's side.

Usopp didn't turn his head and Sanji could see his tongue stuck out between his teeth in concentration, "Ahh, Sanji. You're out here, eh? Well, I thought I'd enjoy the view while I perfected my special, upgraded _Tabasco-bombs_. They're a level above the _Tabasco Stars_, you know. They'll strike fear into my enemies' hearts."

"Is that so, long nose?" he asked, tilting his head up and smiling at the fast-darkening sky, "Will they save us from the next Shichibukai that we cross paths with?"

"Sanji," Usopp's voice was pitying, "Sanji, when _will_ you ever have ambition? Tell me again—who am I?"

"You're Usopp. Known in some quarters as 'Liar-boo'"

"Wrong," the sharpshooter puffed out a thin chest and Sanji was briefly, but strongly, reminded of those lizards who fan out their frills to seem more intimidating, "I am _Captain Usopp—ruler of the seas." _

"Ah, forgive me my ignorance."

"These Tabasco-bombs would make an _Emperor _tremble. Even one of the Yonkou." Usopp held up a medium-sized ball which slightly looked like a massive jelly bean. "If this hits your eyes—"

He walked off, cracking his neck, knowing it would be a full five minutes before Usopp even realized he had left. And for that quirk alone, Sanji loved him.

The men's cabin was empty, dark. His heart fluttered and the fright covered him like a second skin.

The day still had sufficient light and minutes for the other guys to make full use of it. They wouldn't come in until later, and by then Sanji hoped to be fast asleep and borrowed under a warm, fuzzy blanket. He walked towards his cot, hands reaching out for the rough material which held it up, and he slid his lithe body inside, tucked his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, surrendered to the blackness.

~0~

He heard the tread of Zoro's boots on the floorboards even before he opened his eyes and Sanji jerked upright in his cot, heart thumping. He dug himself back into the covers of the hammock, and closed his eyes again, throwing a hand over his brow and resuming the steady breathing of his sleep.

The door creaked open and light slid inside, the true orange color of a dying sunset. Zoro's footsteps became louder and Sanji stilled perfectly as he felt the weight of the swordsman's gaze as the man stopped next to his cot.

The seconds ticked by and Zoro turned away. Sanji felt relief flood his senses before he heard the curt words.

"It's no use Sanji. I know you're awake."

He didn't say anything, continuing to sham sleep. Zoro was bluffing.

"Stop that Cook," Zoro said tightly, from across the room, "If you don't want me, then stop being such a damned ass and say it."

His jaw clenched angrily as he gave up and said, "Why the hell are you so defensive? I'm trying to sleep! Can't you stop being so goddamned touchy!"

He felt Zoro moving towards him and he struggled up, not wanting to be caught off guard, but Zoro gripped his chin in his hand and forced their lips to meet. Sanji struggled and only managed to fall out of the cot and knock Zoro to the floor. He scrambled up and fled towards the door, his hand had just gripped the brass handle when a brown hand closed on top of it and forced it back and the warm chest pressed into his back.

"Where the hell do you think you're _going?" _Zoro growled, "We're not leaving this room until you explain yourself."

Sanji jerked at the knob, but his heart was not in it and Zoro knew it. He closed his eyes, "Let me go, Zoro. Please."

Zoro's other hand closed on his and a warm mouth nuzzled his neck.

"Never."

~0~

They stood like that for millennia.

And then Sanji said, jerkily, "I…want to end it."

Zoro stiffened.

"Why?"

"I…don't know." It was a stupid answer, but it was the only one he could manage to say.

Zoro's hand tightened on his until there was pain. "If you're going to finish something which both of us were damn well enjoying for months, you better find a better explanation then that shit. Am I not satisfying you?"

"Zoro, can't I just—"

"Answer my question Sanji," the voice behind him cut him off, "Am I not satisfying you as a lover? You don't like the sex? Is that it?"

He clenched his teeth. "_It's not that."_

"Is there someone…a man? A woman?"

"No."

"Then—"

Sanji threw off Zoro's arms and stormed away, "Will you stop this fucking interrogation already!"

"Run all you want, but you won't be able to escape me," Zoro called after him and Sanji's ears burned even as his heart triphammered across his ribs.

He didn't even know what he was going to do, but Zoro didn't give him a chance to think. The hard, compact body slammed into him and sent him reeling into the cabin's wall. Zoro pinned him there like a moth with a pin in each wing. The hands gripped his wrists and the same back he had grown familiar with pressed into his backside urgently.

"Let me go damnit."

"Stop running from me."

The words tickled the nape of his neck and he shivered as he felt familiar lips press into the skin there.

"Zoro, _stop." _

"You're scared of me."

"_I am not!" _

"You're shaking. You're all red. Tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing wrong asswipe."

"_Tell me." _

"Leave me _be." _Sanji snarled and his heart ached because there was nothing he could say because all he wanted to say was unspeakable. Sure, Zoro was worried. The swordsman was afraid that he had offended his nakama, afraid of losing the only sexual relief he got. That was it. And to act like there was something more, was pure torture.

Zoro sighed behind him and he said slowly, "Sanji…if you feel like leaving then I won't beg you to stay. But _know_ that..." There was a silence, "that you can run from me, that you can hide from me, but you can't escape…"

Sanji felt the pressure slacken in his wrists and he tore himself away. Zoro made no move to stop him and he quickly headed towards the door, heart bursting.

Behind him Zoro finished, almost inaudibly, "…my love."

Sanji froze.

"That's not _funny_, bastard marimo."

"You can act like what we had was nothing," Zoro snapped, not turning, "You can act like we had nothing together, that I didn't fall in love, but even if it was good or bad, it was _real._ You can complain all you want and tell me I'm not good enough all you want. But you're fucking mistaken if you think I'll give up the best thing in my life. You're fucking insane if you think I'm going to let you go Cook."

"You—You're—_in love with me? Stop fucking joking bastard!_" He could never remember being so infuriated. How low would Zoro go to keep his legs spread? Didn't the man realize that Sanji had had enough with tasting something he could never have for real?

Zoro winced, but his face was stoic, determined, "Run, Sanji. Run all you want from it. I know it wasn't supposed to happen and maybe that's why you don't want to be with me anymore. So I'll give you a headstart. Run, but wherever you go, I'm going to chase you down because you can't escape what I feel for you."

This could not be happening. Zoro was supposed to be revolted, furious that Sanji had developed feelings for him. Zoro was supposed to be shouting at him, yelling at him that it had been all about the sex, that they were nakama with benefits, that feelings weren't a part of the deal. Or worse yet, Zoro would be pitying. And worst of all, their relations would not only cease, but Zoro would treat him differently. The way a man with two good legs would treat a man in a wheelchair. And of course he would say that this _love_ would never, ever, be reciprocated.

He froze there, unsure. The whole reason why he had wanted to escape from Zoro was because he knew that it wouldn't be long before he screamed those three forbidden words while he thrummed in the throes of climax. The way Zoro touched him and stroked him and kissed him—the man would bring out those feelings without knowing it and so plummet their relationship into the abyss.

Zoro was staring at him. "Sanji?"

"Zoro," he choked out, "You—You—I didn't mean—"

"Spare me your pity Sanji," Zoro said softly. "I'd prefer it if you told me outright that you're through with me….instead of ignoring me and pretending to be asleep when you know I want to make love to you." His hand went up and ran through his short green hair.

"_Through with you!"_ Sanji exploded forcefully, _"I—oh, you blind dumbass! Can't you see that I'm in love with you!" _

The man's jaw fell to the floor, and then Zoro looked furious, "You're joking. Well fucking stop it because I don't need your idiotic jokes at a time like this."

Sanji felt a giddy rush sweep through him, "Now who's fucking joking? I thought you'd hate it, that'd you'd want to stop everything between us! And now, you!"

Zoro took a step towards him and Sanji matched it.

They nearly tore each other's clothes off once they had collided into each other. Their mouths were desperate, greedy, exhilarated with the nearness that finality had come.

Zoro's hands gripped his ass and then slid down to his thighs. With a grunt, Zoro lifted him clear off the floor, sliding his legs around his waist. Sanji let himself he lifted, lost in the enveloping kiss.

The swordsman broke the kiss, "We don't have a bed."

"Do me on the floor."

"My pleasure."

Zoro lowered him gently and laid him out on the carpet and any last doubts that Sanji might have had vanished.

"Don't move." Zoro unbuttoned his shirt slowly and pulled his pants down tenderly. Sanji flushed and Zoro stripped his shirt off in one quick motion. His jeans bulged in the front.

"Where—"

"Dresser. Lower drawer, behind Usopp's underwear."

They loved on the floor. Twisted together and sweating, the smell of sex, of musk filled the room. The sweet smell of their love.

~0~


	16. Diamonds, Lies, and Cash Money

_Diamonds, Lies, and Cash Money _

He was a diamond, Sleek, elegant, rich, mysterious. Composed of hard edges which could cut anything. Cold to the touch, beautiful. Perhaps that was the reason why he was drawn to the precious gems of so much mystique and glamour. He held up the specimen in his hand to the one ray of light which managed to pierce the barrier of his thick, velvet drapes. His hand exploded into brilliance.

"Exquisite," Antonio murmured, voice full of appreciation, "For such a jewel, you need only name the price, _Don Sanjino_."

"You are generous," Sanji bowed his head, "But some would believe your words those of an amateur. You should look unimpressed and name a price half that what you are willing to pay." He brought the diamond back into the shade and smiled reprovingly at the young man in front of him.

Antonio chuckled, "Maybe I would have with something else…or someone else."

Sanji strolled the length of the dim study, hand caressing the jewel thoughtfully. Finally he came to a halt in front of a statue of a sphinx. Cast iron with gold leaf. 350 B.C. Estimated retail value: $2.3 million.

"26 million," he finally said.

Antonio let out a small gasp, "What a price Don Sanjino…"

"Yes or no, Antonio?" Sanji held up the gem from its chain, "South African, a rare colored diamond, vivid blue in color, valued at $16 million, known as "The Heart of Eternity"…." He paused, smiling softly, "and currently missing from the Smithsonian museum and causing a great uproar. Yes or no Antonio…I have many clients waiting eagerly for your no."

"Sold," Antonio sighed, "How do you want it, check? Card? Order?"

"You know how I do it Antonio, " Sanji said smoothly, "Cash only. No returns."

~0~

"I can't believe the idiot bought it," Zoro snorted laughter, "I trust you as much as I trust Luffy with a turkey drumstick."

"What can I say, I'm a persuasive man," Sanji smirked, putting his arms behind his head and looking up at the ceiling. "He was so nervous and excited, he was peeing his pants in front of me. The only part I hate about this business is that I miss seeing the look on their faces when they realize their diamond is worth about five bucks." He turned his head a little to see the diamond, the one he supposedly sold, sitting on the nightstand. "Did he think I would really sell the Heart of Eternity?"

"You're a demon," Zoro murmured and rolled on top, "But it makes sex with you interesting."

"You're glad I didn't sell it, aren't you?" Sanji asked, lazily unbuckling Zoro's belt.

"Of course, I stole it for you; it reminded me of how deep your eyes are," Zoro grunted. "I would have killed you if you had sold."

A/N: Damn, do I want to create an entire epic about this this little mini-universe. With Sanji the treacherous diamond dealer and Zoro, the thief of precious jewels and relics.


	17. Curly

Wanze x Sanji, T

A/N: I found this in my a jumbled folder of one-shots, drabbles, and short stories that I dare not open without a flashlight, a spear, and three days' worth of provisions. I'm surprised I haven't uploaded it before, but here it is!

**Curly**

The eyebrow.

The _eyebrow._

The blonds' angry face was shadowed by that curly freak overarched on top of the cerulean iris. Wanze could not get it out of his mind.

It had none of that straight rigidity of the beautiful uncooked noodle. It was scrunched up in a spiral. A hairy spiral. Freaky.

Wanze could feel himself growing dizzy as his eyes ran around and around the curved lines.

"_Hey! It's not that curly!" _the blond yelled, and attempted to struggle out of the pasta arm which held up stuck, upside down.

It broke him out of the paralysis and he screamed back, outraged, _"You did that on purpose!" _

"_Like hell I did!" _

Wanze spat to the side and using the brunt of his pasta arm, raised up the blond and sent him slamming into the nearby wall of the wagon. Dishes went flying.

Too bad the eyebrow was curly. It ruined the otherwise handsome face of the Strawhat Crew. Wanze gave an inward sigh of regret as he slammed the other cook into another counter.

He wouldn't have minded showing the other cook his large noodle.


	18. PointCounterpoint

A/N: This story is dedicated to **Saminagg** as it was inspired from her fabulous artwork! This is for you **Saminagg!**

Note: I'm sorry Saminagg, but I think this fic is discontinued until further notice. I just don't know what to do with so many loose threads grasped in my clumsy hands. Readers: this chapter was meant to continue on, but since it won't, it's sort of just a floating-by-itself thing. It still is a fun, quirky thing though, so I hope you'll enjoy and just imagine your own happy ending!

Point/Counterpoint

_**Chapter 1 **_

"That man—has balls of steel."

Sanji murmured it, his breath causing the window panes to fog over momentarily as the warm moisture met the cold resistance of the glass.

The man—or perhaps woman—whom Sanji has just so nicely and aptly described was not even visible at the moment. The blond man settled into one of the cozy armchairs next to the window of the cabin and placing his hot mug of cocoa near at hand, settled down to see if the man—or woman—in the junky little Ford pickup would be able to make it up the snowed in road which led up to some of the other winter cabins.

It didn't look like the person in the truck was going to be able to make it. The snowdrifts were simply too high going up and the truck was simply too junky. It wouldn't be long before the guy realized that it was hopeless and beat a retreat down the road and waited until the snow plow came around sometime in the next couple days.

But the truck kept right on at it—though it was advancing at a snail's pace—and Sanji gave a rueful smile and fistpumped the air. He was always fond of a tenacious bastard. The truck might even have made it, but just then the grey sky opened up with a sprinkle, then a drizzle, and finally a thick blanket of snow. Lady Luck just wasn't with the poor idiot.

The truck skewed dangerously to the left, its nose pointing to the grove of bare trees on the elbow. Sanji cursed and leapt of his seat, already shoving his arms into the holes of his parka and snatched a pair of thick gloves from off the clothes hook near the door. The guy was going to kill himself if he kept up that business of idiocy.

The cook wrenched open the cabin door, letting in a small blizzard of ice and wind, and ran toward the road, slipping only a few times and hitting the ground only once. He was already shouting and pin wheeling his arms like a lunatic.

"_Hey! Hey you! Stop that! You want to fucking kill yourself!?"_

The engine revved uselessly against the piles of snow and stalled. Sanji took the opportunity to reach the driver's side of the truck and slam his fists on the dark-tinted window.

"_Hey you! Stop it! Give up! That road is blocked! It's suicide trying to go up in this weather!"_ He yelled, rapping harshly on the window.

The window creaked down and Sanji found himself staring face to face at the man in the truck. He was a normal looking dude, a little bleak around the eyes and possessed of a fine verdant shade of hair and a deeply tanned skin.

"What?"

A vein in his forehead throbbed, "_What do you mean 'what'?! You can't go up this road-can't you see it's fucking impossible numbfuck?!_"

"That's none of your business," the man said, shifting his hand to the window crank again and making to roll it up, "Now move. I'm busy."

There was a brief moment in which Sanji debated keeping up resistance, but for some reason he shut up and withdrew, stepping back and shoving his gloved hands in his pocket. Maybe it was that strange, brooding light in the other's green eyes. The harsh angles of his face and the muscles which stood out in the neck which proclaimed that the man was fighting and would not give up until the battle was completely lost. And maybe not even then. And Sanji wasn't necessarily thinking of the struggle to drive up the snowed in road.

He stepped back to the side of the road and watched the man attempt to take the truck further. It wasn't happening and all the while the snow fell and fell and fell. The bleak light of the evening would disappear in a few more minutes, too. As ff there wasn't enough on the man's plate already.

The man must have finally seen the light minutes later. The truck stopped and the back lights flashed on as the driver attempted to reverse. But the way back was just as difficult as the way forward and the truck only managed to wade backwards a few feet into a snowbank.

Sanji sighed as the driver stopped again and just stayed put. Engine struggling.

He jogged over again and rapped on the window. This time the man didn't even look at him as he rolled down the window.

"Here, I'm going to plow out the snow in my driveway. Turn into it, okay? You're going to have to wait until the snow plows open up the way in a couple days," Sanji said quietly, not wanting to upset the man anymore than his face suggested he already was, "You can crash at my cabin until then. I have some space. Okay?"

The man muttered a curse under his breath and thumped his hand angrily on the wheel, "I should've been able to make this—this is just a little _snow_."

"That little _snow_ can make you lose your life," Sanji retorted, "What do you say? I can't force you to do anything—but it's either come with me or continue on your suicidal mission to go uphill."

"Agh, whatever. You'd probably be yapping at me all the way there. Nothing better to do," and with that the man promptly rolled his window up again and revved the engine.

Sanji gaped slightly at the tinted window before storming off. The guy was a shit of the finest quality, holy shit. Maybe he should have just let the grade-A asshole alone. But that didn't stop him from racing over to one of the cabin's sheds and securing an old-fashioned hand snow plow and quickly shoveling out the snow which had accumulated in his driveway since he had cleaned it that very afternoon.

It was quick work even with the falling snow and once he had finished, it took only another five minutes to clean the snow from underneath the truck's wheels and beat a rough path from the road to his driveway.

It was quick work, but still Sanji found himself breathing hard by the time the driver pulled his truck slowly into his driveway and parked it behind his own 2009 Dodge Ram.

Then there was an odd, strange silence as the two contemplated the great question of _what now. _

The door of the Toyota swung open and the driver got out, wearing only a thin sweater and dark green sweatpants. Sanji walked over, with the shovel over his shoulder and stuck out his hand, "My name's Sanji Blue."

The man shook it, wincing only slightly when the little bits of ice and snow still stuck to Sanji's gloves hit his warm skin, "I'm Roronoa Zoro."

"Otherwise known as the dickwad who tried to kill himself by going up the Grand Line during a blizzard. Tell me—did you seriously think you were going to make it in that piece of shit?" Sanji gestured to the tiny pickup.

The man bristled, "Hey, look. I don't have a nice truck like yours okay? Some of us weren't born with rich daddies. I make with I got."

"Hey, go to hell man," Sanji snapped back, immediately wishing that he hadn't extended the hand of friendship, "I worked from the bottom of the toilet to where I am now. Don't assume that I floated my way here. Lose the stick up your ass, whydontya? "

At first Sanji thought the man was going to retort and that would probably have lead to more retorts and eventually to blows. But at the last minute the man sort of folded into himself and he let loose a rueful chuckle, "You're a little spitfire, aren't you? Of all the people…"

"Call me that again and say goodbye to your nutsack," Sanji said, but there was no bite to his words, "I'm no little _anything._" He turned around and trudged back to his cabin, "Now come on and get your ass inside before it freezes and that stick up your ass gets wedged in there forever. I make a mean cocoa."


End file.
